Okay so Leslie and I were talking about how we both read articles discussing how so many of your friends will get engaged or married after college, so I decided to review my post on my engaged friends.

UPDATE:

Recently Engaged:
1. Leslie (+Ryan) > Date Set
2. Lindsay F. (+Marc) > Married
3. Caroline (+Daniel)
4. Natalie > Married
5. Brooke > Married
6. Mallory > Married
7. Rachel > Married
8. Nicole > Married
9. Gaby > Married

10. Nadia & John Roy are engaged.

Additionally,

7 - Sorority Sisters are now married.
5 - Sorority Sisters are engaged. 
10 - Friends who got married in college/college age

And 9 more friends are engaged now. So 25 of my friends have gotten married in the past 2 years, and 11 of my friends are engaged right now. Leslie already fits right in with these statistics. I am no where close to this. Not even in the parking lot of the ball park.

Labels: engaged friends, married friends

I am officially a maid of honor!

Depending on the location they choose the wedding might be pushed up as early as May. Good God, when am I going to throw the Bachelorette party? I still need a theme. So if you hear of any good themes and you want to send them my way, I'd love to hear them.

ALSO, I get to choose my dress. My only current instruction is a dark purple. Roman goddess it is then. If you happen by anything gorgeous and dark purple, share a link with me! Please and thank you!

Labels: time to record some Four Weddings

My heart is going to burst. Lord knows I must have some internal head damage by now. I'm not quite sure the synapses in my brain are wired properly any more. More likely they've all rebelled and synced a rerouting of sense and information. I could vomit the little I put into my stomach today, or yesterday, if we're going to be matter of fact. My nail polish is scraping off as my nails grow into talons, ready to cut down the middle and shake this skin I've over worn. There has to be something inside, something left of the person I thought I would be. When did I stop living?

Have you ever listened to a band or song, fallen in love, gone to share it with a friend or significant other and then been dumped on and hated the said band or song? Enter The Quiet Company. I first heard their album Songs For Staying In and fell in love with them from their music down to their album cover. I was like, "Oh man this band is so awesome. I love these songs so much. How do I share it with my boyfriend? Should I make it into the album + a mini mix or should I just straight up give him the album?" And then he broke up with me. So as you can imagine my love for the band was put on hiatus. I still really like them; it just hurts a lot to listen to them, every fucking time. I've never really officially shared this band with anyone. My friend is looking for music to keep her in a happy wedding planning mood and I really want to tell her about this album but it's just like I can't allow the words to come out of my mouth to start that conversation. Maybe she'll eventually come across this and I can be like, "Yeah, I tried to try."

Valentine's Day.

Let's talk about it. Let's not ignore it.

I already washed my sexy lingerie so that it would be clean on all hearts day. My plan is to look really good so that I'll feel really good to try and balance out some of the self hatred that lingers in the air on that day. I have not decided if I will try to make this day corny too with a corny romcom, a giant bottle of wine, and some kind of sweets - cookies or brownies or cake. My alternative is to avoid the world at all costs and drink my bottle of wine downstairs in my room doing who knows what. Either way I will be avoiding Facebook. I encourage this, especially to those of you who, like me, are inclined to the snappy offline comments.

I really, really, really hope my sister has plans so that I can have the house to myself. Plus it would help justify the spite I have towards her for ditching me lately for her events group. I also want to be justified so that my suspicions that she's secretly texting one of those guys will be spot on.

Also if you are single and you want to torture yourself, keep on listening to Quiet Company.

Hide me under a rock already. I feel so insignificant. I have no real stable job with benefits and I'm no where near being ready for grad school. The most creative energy I've had lately was in a dream and it was still not strong enough to provide something worth writing about. I've gone back to having no exciting weekend plans. OR rather, I get back so early on Friday and Saturday nights that I don't feel like I've actually been out for the evening. And I really have not adjusted well to the amount of times I see friends per week or per month. I understand it's an appropriate post-college/adult amount but that still does not cut it for me. I still haven't figured out if this feeling is a result of the medication or the lifestyle. I want to see at least one friend multiple times a week to tell all of my crazy little daily stories to and to fill my days with something bigger than myself. Is that too much to ask for?

It's officially the year of the Dragon, my year, at last. This can only mean good things. After years of despising resolutions, I picked one for this new year, my year. One idea: Embrace the corny.

I've been through so much these past few years. I've given myself to others, spread myself real thin to care for them. This past year especially was extremely shitty. I went through so many phases of hating myself and hating my life, while blocking myself from being truly happy. And as much as I try to fight it or change it, I am a hopeless romantic. I feed off of the corny love stories in books and movies, and every so often a tv show, but I find it hard to embrace the corny kind of happiness in my own life. So that is my goal, to embrace happiness, to not shy from the corny, to let love in when it comes my way.

A wise cat once gave me the squinty face and closed his eyes. He clearly meant calm your thoughts and go to bed, there's always time in the morning for pontificating.

Fell asleep at my parents house last night. I need to go home, take a shower, and prepare myself for this weekend. I need to peer pressure my sister into agreeing to carpool and spend Christmas eve sleeping in our own beds. My Aunt and her fiance (?) are flying up now that he's not feeling sick anymore, but that means they'll stay in my room. I know my mom is going to ask us to spend the night and share the bed in the basement. Last time we did that I didn't sleep much and our third bunk-mate kept changing from her dog to my cat.

I'm really unsure about this weekend. It's just so clear that my childhood is over, especially around the holidays, and times like these are when you should feel more of that childhood familiarity. I really want everyone to have a good time and enjoy the holiday but I don't want things to feel so forced and strange like Thanksgiving. Family shouldn't be strangers to each other.

Being able to sleep at normal times would be nice too.

I'm slipping again. I know I've learned how to fight it, but it all feels wrong. I'm not supposed to fight it. I'm not strong enough to fight it. And my awful doctor won't refill my birth control prescription for another month and the change in my hormones is just fucking with my body and subsequently my mind. Have I become the definition of passive? I've started reading Steve Martin's Shopgirl and I can't find anything in myself to stop the web of connections between Mirabelle and myself. I'm lost inside myself, unable to create those unending what-if possibilities filled with hopeful dreaming that hold the balance in my happiness. I keep writing this dark poetry, nonfiction, fiction - all lacking any semblance of hopeful dreaming. My room is a nest of scraps of paper. I'm a scavenger.