I've been so tired and have so much to do that I forgot to come back here and decompress. 

I have Colorectal Cancer, Stage 3, which means it has spread to a few surrounding lymph nodes.

Radiation will fry my ovaries so the past 2+ weeks I've been doing IVF treatments to freeze some of my eggs before the rest are decimated. 

They found 23 follicles at the start of this cycle, and so far 12 have matured enough to be collected as eggs. We're waiting to do the egg retrieval on Monday, and I have another ultrasound scheduled tomorrow to see how many more have matured. Due to my age, not all of the eggs retrieved will be viable, but hopefully at least 60% will be. 

The eggs have to be frozen for a minimum of two years, and then I can use them.  My doctors have all been so great and have sent me different links for financial assistance programs, but I'm still spending so much money to do this. So I'm not wasting this.  If I don't get the romantic partner I've been waiting for by then, that will just have to be fine and okay.  Because I'm not going to let this experience escape me.  

Meanwhile I've been waiting over two weeks for the results to my genetic testing. If I have any of the genetic mutations linked to colon cancer then my doctors will be adjusting my treatment plan based on previous studies of those mutations. 

Labels: cancer, cats, Fertility Treatment, purr therapy

 I'm putting this here because I don't want to forget this, but I don't want to scare anyone.

I've had digestive issues the past few months, but it takes forever to get in anywhere to get a colonoscopy.  Apparently having an abnormal issue does not give you any seniority over "regular" check-ups.

People all talk about how bad the prep is, but that you're unconscious during the whole procedure, so that part's not as bad.  Maybe it's because my digestive track was already wonky, but the prep wasn't as bad for me.  My number one complaint was that I forgot to pack lotion and my hands were dried out from washing them so much in 24 hours.

In the antheses area we talked about cats and they gave me a cannula and I never realized the oxygen they give you through that has a smell.  I didn't like the smell, but what can you do.

So the part I need to remember in my own words.  The nurses were all nice.  I think I met the doctor briefly before they put me under.  When I came to it was a really smooth transition.  I asked for my glasses and the nurse answered some of my questions (when do I get to put my underwear back on lol), and my mom was there or she was brought in by the time they gave me my glasses.  

The doctor came in and said he was sorry we had to meet like that.  They did find two polyps and removed them, but they also found a tumor and it looks very likely that it's cancerous.  They did a biopsy and he told me that I'll have to go to the hospital to have it removed.  He referred me to a specialist and said that the specialist's office would call me to book my appointment.  The tumor is about the size of a golf ball, and it's near the end so they won't have to get too invasive with the surgery.

My mom was tearing up and so visually upset and I just listened and said thank you and took them as facts I needed to store and process.  I haven't gotten emotional about it, and that's kind of freaked out my mom more. But I didn't fall apart or feel hysterical, and that's not going to help sharing with this doctor who had to be the bearer of bad news.

We stopped at my sister's house on the way home so that I could use the bathroom and my mom told her while I was in the bathroom.  Then we got to my parents house and I had to go again, and again she told my dad while I was in the bathroom.  Honestly, of it all, that really upset me the most, because that's big news and it was my news.  Also my mom immediately started talking about how her friend with breast cancer had to adjust her diet because cancer feeds on sugar and it's just so frustrating when she keeps trying to jump in and tell me what I can and can't eat before my doctors know for sure what I have (she did this the week prior when the lab results hinted I might have colitis).

Okay, so yeah, the best way to finish summing this up is, FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK!

Fall is here.  Not because the calendar ticked into September.  Not because school is back in session.  Not because the stores are selling Fall items now.  It is officially fall because my big floof cat wants to snuggle in bed at night again. September 22nd was far too long for him to wait.

I once dated this guy who was not a cat person.  Or a pet person really.  (A red flag that was hard to ignore.)  He came over one fall day and was hanging out on my couch when the big floof proceeded to cuddle him.  He was shocked and surprised at how soft the floof was.  Was it a red flag for him when I later held up the big floof next to my face and said "Imagine falling asleep next to him"?  

As my fellow office cat owner and I like to say, "The only reason people think cat owners are crazy is because they haven't owned a cat yet."

Labels: cats, Fall

My older cat has had allergies all summer.  It sounds so pathetic.  Once he turned 11, something inside of me turned on.  Sometimes I can dial it down, but there's a steady fear that he's aging quickly and our time is limited. Maybe that's why I felt like I was punched in the gut when the vet told me Tess's test results were abnormal.  Tess was just in for her senior check-up in May and everything came back normal.  Second punch.  How could things change so much in 3 months? We have to wait 3 more weeks for the next round of bloodwork to see if her levels have changed.  To see if it's leukemia.

It seemed like just when all of my shit was working itself out, her health problems started.  An ear infection, a broken tooth, and then this.  I feel really bad, like somehow my bad luck transferred to her.  I wish I could take it back and take all of the bad hits for her.  I feel so fucking guilty.  

When I saw Bully this month they played this song and I could have cried.  It was so...more than nice...to see Bully in concert again.  I felt like I got a little part of myself back.  

But I'm that, nah, nah, I'm this, right?

Labels: Bully, concerts, emotions, live shows, Tess

Unbalanced. Freaked.  Trapped inside myself. 

Tears leaking out of my face. 

Crying for no reason.  Crying with no intention.  Just salty tears and uneven breaths.

I can't explain how it got this bad. A bunch of shitty things happened, and I dealt with them and things were getting better.  One really shitty thing happened and I cracked. Distractions kept me from feeling how wide the crack grew.  And then the crack was deep inside and I couldn't close it up or climb out of it. 

It's been a while since I was this depressed.  It's devastating to be in it again. I can't get out alone, not when it's this bad.  I'm so scared of the damage I'll do in this state - scared of what all it can and will take from me.  I have to adjust my meds.  I have to hope they won't make it worse, because when the others did, I had others who could see too and who I could be honest with.  

Labels: depression, fight, get help, this will not be the end, you are more than this

I’m sitting outside on my patio about to mix soil to add to my potatoes. I have the back patio light on, but I never did turn any lights on inside my house. My house is completely dark, but when I look up I can see Quintus pressed against the window. As soon as he sees me look up he meows and it’s so comical. Sometimes I fake meow with him because it’s so typical of him and it just gives me a good chuckle to see him meow with no sound.

It’s been a crappy week but there was still plenty of good. Like not getting poison ivy again. I’m super thankful for that. And the pain comes to an end eventually. I’m thankful for that too.

I’m seeing a new physical therapist after getting into a car accident and walking away with another whiplash injury. I like their energy and they’ve helped me regain some of my range of motion fairly quickly. I agreed to dry needling today though and it kicked my butt. Dry needling is a form of acupuncture that’s supposed to break up the spasms, but it’s like they knocked the hornets nest down and then just left it there. I’m supposed to be more sore tomorrow, but maybe my body acts differently. It could be worse, and it will pass eventually. 

For now I’m finding solace in playing in the dirt. I finally found seed potatoes this year and I bought a few too many and now my garden is covered in grow bags full of potatoes. Or hopefully full of potatoes soon. 

I planted tomatoes everywhere last year. You need to let the soil rest for 4 years before growing a nightshade (tomatoes, peppers, eggplant) in the same spot. The best thing to do is grow legumes next to add nitrogen to the soil. So by all accounts I should be overwhelmed with potatoes, peas, and beans this year. 

I saved a ton of sunflower seeds from last summer. I gave them out to my coworkers after Christmas. I planted quite a few along my fence. There were some bad shells so I broke them up and added them to my compost piles. Or rather, I thought I did. I have two stray sunflowers growing in one of my raised beds. A very happy accident. I tried to sow sunflower seeds continuously so that they bloom for weeks. Hopefully they’re a success. Hopefully they bring others a little bit of joy too. 

The brain fog lasts a lot longer than the other Covid symptoms. Lack of motivation. Disinterest in going out or being with others. Disconnect in conversation. Fog is the perfect word. Not as heavy as depression, but a blur, a feeling, that makes it harder to get through the drive. 

Last month I barely made it in time for the monthly beekeeping meeting, but I attended both and a conference. I ordered bees. I ordered seed potatoes. My roller skates might be out of stock until May. It’s only been pushed back repeatedly for six months. But I didn’t need to learn in the winter, so maybe it’s fine to wait a little longer. 

I made an “After Covid” playlist. There are so many feelings to put down there, but I’m hoping that hope is the strongest. 

This is my anthem of the new year. Or just the song spilling out as I walk out of the Covid fog. It sounds like the music for a badass entrance, a survivor’s entrance. 

I was really lucky or really just out of time. I fell under a newer strand that appeared in December- the symptoms are much less severe for those without pre-existing conditions, but it spreads even faster. 

With my cats at my side, I was snuggled through the worst of it. Quite literally, they were always by my side. Even now they are affectionate and social and maybe just a little less sassy. My dog was a good girl and bravely guarded the house for me. 

Now that I feel like myself again, health wise, it’s time to feel happy and alive and like my very best self. I painted my nails, dark. On the other side of death dark. I shaved my legs to feel sexy again. I used my foam roller to loosen up my muscles again. I moved a few bookcases in preparation for my home office renovation. I think all that’s left to get into the new year groove is to order a few more seeds and put my name on the book of bees. 

Labels: Covid

Bridgerton felt like an Austen dream fantasy escape. Those clothes, the scenery, that actor...fantasy. I loved so much about it. Especially when a string quartet performed modern pop covers over crucial scenes. The realization of the scene with this song is so fitting. And the theme is so fitting for this year. 

I was so cautious. Painfully cautious. Rightfully cautious. And the enemy still caught me. Slugging back Riesling trying to avoid a teenager’s moody storm flying off a young girl. Collecting dirty dishes to hide out in the kitchen. Polite family hugs. Breathe in. Cough. Ha! 

It’s an apparently highly contagious strain. Although, hopefully, mild. I have a cough that comes and goes, from deep in my diaphragm. It raises my whole chest. It cannot be spoken over. I have body aches, intense sore limbs, but I also was trying to maneuver ill placed boxes before my symptoms presented themselves. I’m not as drained as the others, but trying to pursue a normal course requires too much of my energy. 

I pray this is the worst. That the solitude is the worse. That it won’t have any future impact. That it won’t pass on to anyone else. 

And just in case it’s not the worse, in case there’s more, I’m putting my affairs together. I would like to promise there will be no more uncomfortable letters, but I write. When all else fails. If all comes to an end, I want to share my words, one last time. 

So happy fucking new year. Please bring better news. Please bring more love. Make more love. Bring back live music and hugging and squealing with good friends. 

Labels: Bridgerton, Covid, Jane Austen

This song is like my unofficial singles holiday theme. Another year facing the holidays alone, or third wheeling couples. I can be alone, yeah, I can watch a sunset on my own. Or more like ‘go home and turn on the Christmas lights and enjoy the tree alone.’

This is my first real tree and my first time putting up a tree and the first time decorating my house with lights. Fitz has a history of chewing on artificial trees and that’s what I grew up with. He did good when we lived with my sister and she bought a real tree, so I decided to take a risk this year. After the year we had, I thought a beautifully lit tree would really make me feel better about it getting dark so early. 

And so that became my theme, Merry and Bright. I went with fun colored lights in my tree and bought a tree skirt that has tasteful “lights” that do in fact light up. The previous owners left nails around the front of my house, painted to match each section of house, which made it pretty easy to string lights outside too.

I didn’t plan to put lights up outside. With only one income, it seemed too frivolous to pay for my neighbors to enjoy my lights. But the beautiful lights are one of my favorite things about the holidays. They make me feel warm and cozy, merry and bright. A little less alone. 

It turns out they set quite the festive scene in my living room with the interior lights out and the tree on. It might even be considered romantic. Instead it warms my heart, with both cats vying to curl up in my lap or circle until they’re laying in my arms like a baby. 

I stopped seeing someone at the beginning of November when it became clear that my heart wasn’t in  it. It wasn’t going anywhere and it made sense not to be entangled during the holidays. And dating during Covid is strange enough on its own. So even though alone isn’t where I want to be, I still picked a theme song with a good beat that will let me dance into a new year with pep and maybe a few calories burned. 

It’s sunny and in the low 70’s in November, and it’s a Saturday. Today is going to be a good day!

I’m still not close to digging all of the fancy stones out of my front garden bed, but I’m finally finished with one side. I can add my Aster and the white lilies and maybe I’ll luck out and I can plant my other bulbs by the sidewalk too. 

Tess is excited about this endeavor. Possibly mostly because this gives her a better defense on guarding the front yard. We have a rooster that drops by to visit at least once a day and she has been harrumphing about not scaring him off. Last month he walked into my backyard twice. The first time I was mowing the lawn and that didn’t even scare him. The second time I opened the gate so that Tess and I could walk to the garage and there he was on the other side of the gate. Tess flew across the yard chasing him & he pouted in the very back once I caught her and shoved her into the house. He’s very people friendly and always comes up to the house if I pop out to take his picture. My mom’s worried about what will happen to him when it really gets cold, but he sticks to a routine when he passes by, I have to think he has a home & they just don’t care that he wanders. He’s smart enough to never go near the road. 

Meanwhile the cabbage and the kale are really starting to develop. The lettuce is all so much smaller and is going to take a lot longer to pick. My next set of radish is ready to pick and the pepper plants I’ve been bringing in have a few peppers and new flowers! I have some grow lights in my garage for the seedlings but I don’t think they could also keep all of the potted plants alive. The previous owners added a lot of storage shelves to the garage, enough to make it too difficult to fit a second car in there. I have no idea what their load bearing limit is though. I might be able to hang a larger grow light from at least one of them. 

This is still my favorite TPC song. Listening to their old stuff just makes me so happy. Good music, good gardening weather, snuggly cats, cheesy Mexican food, new glasses, new migraine medicine, new growth, new nail color, new fuzzy socks, and my power & utilities are on and I don’t have to call more people to complain to fix that stuff. The making of a great weekend in.

Labels: ardening, garden dog, rooster, yard work

What exactly does 'succexy' mean?  Successfully sexy?  So so sexy? The internet has a lot of theories that I don't actually care about.  

I was very pleasantly surprised how well I could recall the lyrics and then I had to start it over and turn up the stereo.  It's a great addition to my night drive playlist.  I think at some point in college I became so transfixed with "Live It Out" (hello depression, anxiety, the final stage of education, failed romantic relationships and also really coming into your sexuality all rolled into four years), that I lost the brilliance of "Old World Underground, Where Are You Now?"

I could listen to both albums from start to finish and then repeat.  It connects me to myself.  I used to fall in love with artists and listen to their whole album, on CD, on my CD player, and just transfix myself into their music.  That's all you had before the mixtape.  Then you had to hope your friends understood you well enough to craft something you did not continuously hit skip through.  Music was so much more limited.  Playlists were limited.  They were mixtapes, and the act of thoughtfully listening to each song and piecing the mix together was the actual gift. Now Spotify generates lists of music it thinks I will like and that's the most surprise I can experience outside of a crazy awesome new album drop.  That would have been my dream job, it was one of my many ideas, creating playlists for a monthly magazine or blog with a well written piece to explain when to listen to this mix and what mood to be in and what mood the mix will leave you in.  I never had the drive though to get discovered by any big company or to even throw myself into their intern wheelhouse.  I've played around with doing it on Libby, but then like, I'm not really promoting new visitors.  Or any visitors.

For now, I just wish a friend would make me a mixtape, or thoroughly crafted playlist, like the old days. Merry Christmas dream girl of days past.

Labels: missing pieces, music appreciation, playlist

This song has helped a lot with the anxieties of this year. It’s pretty fitting for this week. 

I’m not sure where I first discovered Adult Mom but I put them on my baby sitters club mix last year. This year I decided to dive into more female artists and went back and listened further. I love this album. 

What a year of female artists it’s been. New albums by FKA Twigs, Bully, Taylor Swift, and so many other good ones.

I’ve played them over and over for my garden. And Lizzo and Beyoncé and Jenny Lewis. The first frost came this week and it’s dark by 6:00pm so it’s a little harder to feel peace and relief in my garden work. At least the cats are back to snuggling with me.

I had a flash of a memory the other week but there are missing pieces that I can’t remember. I tried to sleuth it out in my email but there was no clear answer. It bothers me that I can’t remember the whole situation. 

My stomach feels sick when I think about the things I've messed up/It is exhausting to feel like you're bad at everything

But also...

it is okay/to feel doubt

Labels: anxiety, music appreciation

I love driving when it gets dark this time of year.  Halloween around the corner.  The leaves caught on a big gust of wind, racing across the street in your headlights.  Tights and sweaters and boots.  Braids and layers and lavender lotion.

I don't love being surprised by a hurricane in North Georgia though.  The rains were so intense that they soaked the ground and the winds were so intense that they pushed loose my neighbor's trees, right into my power line.  It's hard to tell if the weight of the fall on the line snapped the pole or if the storm did that too.  After a day of no power the power company restored power to everyone on my street, except my house.  I'm praying the power company came by with a new pole today, but I could not afford the stress of missing four days of work in one week.  I took off Monday and Tuesday to relieve work stress.  Taking Thursday off was really my only option with no power and bad roads.  So I worked from my parents house today and only worried a little about my house.  

On the plus side, I have all the free pine straw I need to put around my fence.

Labels: Fall, storms