Libellus

Are You Ten Years Ago by Tegan And Sara

2012-01-29T03:47:00.002-05:00

Hide me under a rock already. I feel so insignificant. I have no real stable job with benefits and I'm no where near being ready for grad school. The most creative energy I've had lately was in a dream and it was still not strong enough to provide something worth writing about. I've gone back to having no exciting weekend plans. OR rather, I get back so early on Friday and Saturday nights that I don't feel like I've actually been out for the evening. And I really have not adjusted well to the amount of times I see friends per week or per month. I understand it's an appropriate post-college/adult amount but that still does not cut it for me. I still haven't figured out if this feeling is a result of the medication or the lifestyle. I want to see at least one friend multiple times a week to tell all of my crazy little daily stories to and to fill my days with something bigger than myself. Is that too much to ask for?

The People by Metric

2012-01-25T04:15:00.002-05:00

It's officially the year of the Dragon, my year, at last. This can only mean good things. After years of despising resolutions, I picked one for this new year, my year. One idea: Embrace the corny.

I've been through so much these past few years. I've given myself to others, spread myself real thin to care for them. This past year especially was extremely shitty. I went through so many phases of hating myself and hating my life, while blocking myself from being truly happy. And as much as I try to fight it or change it, I am a hopeless romantic. I feed off of the corny love stories in books and movies, and every so often a tv show, but I find it hard to embrace the corny kind of happiness in my own life. So that is my goal, to embrace happiness, to not shy from the corny, to let love in when it comes my way.

A wise cat once gave me the squinty face and closed his eyes. He clearly meant calm your thoughts and go to bed, there's always time in the morning for pontificating.

Letter Home by Childish Gambino

2011-12-24T05:55:00.002-05:00

Fell asleep at my parents house last night. I need to go home, take a shower, and prepare myself for this weekend. I need to peer pressure my sister into agreeing to carpool and spend Christmas eve sleeping in our own beds. My Aunt and her fiance (?) are flying up now that he's not feeling sick anymore, but that means they'll stay in my room. I know my mom is going to ask us to spend the night and share the bed in the basement. Last time we did that I didn't sleep much and our third bunk-mate kept changing from her dog to my cat.

I'm really unsure about this weekend. It's just so clear that my childhood is over, especially around the holidays, and times like these are when you should feel more of that childhood familiarity. I really want everyone to have a good time and enjoy the holiday but I don't want things to feel so forced and strange like Thanksgiving. Family shouldn't be strangers to each other.

Being able to sleep at normal times would be nice too.

Calculation Theme by Metric

2011-12-14T22:26:00.003-05:00

I'm slipping again. I know I've learned how to fight it, but it all feels wrong. I'm not supposed to fight it. I'm not strong enough to fight it. And my awful doctor won't refill my birth control prescription for another month and the change in my hormones is just fucking with my body and subsequently my mind. Have I become the definition of passive? I've started reading Steve Martin's Shopgirl and I can't find anything in myself to stop the web of connections between Mirabelle and myself. I'm lost inside myself, unable to create those unending what-if possibilities filled with hopeful dreaming that hold the balance in my happiness. I keep writing this dark poetry, nonfiction, fiction - all lacking any semblance of hopeful dreaming. My room is a nest of scraps of paper. I'm a scavenger.

I See Monsters by Ryan Adams

2011-11-19T02:37:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure if I'm strong enough for this, and I'm not sure how to do it, but I really feel like I need a big change in my life. Not like a new hair cut or pilates. Something to quell my urge to pack all of my necessities and leave this town.

I'm not the kind of person to live by my impulses. Which is why I started making a list in my head of everything I would need to have at hand and what sort of preparations I would have to make to have all of that. I'm reinforcing my impulse so that when it comes back greater and more persistent, I'll be a little more responsible and prepared to give in to it.

Hustle Rose by Metric

2011-11-18T19:07:00.001-05:00

Fuck everything about today.

When We Wake by Blood Red Shoes

2011-10-14T18:07:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is the first time since Sunday that I'll get to see my dad and I won't see him again until next Friday, for a few hours before he goes to Tennessee for 2 days. This is like the worst gap of time to not have him here. I'm pretty sure I'll have to avoid my mom as much as possible next week while he's in the UK. This means I'm consider going to either Kennesaw, Atlanta, or Athens or two of the three.

I'm feeling apathetic about leaving my mom alone for the week since she rushed into planning this weekend without consulting anyone or checking to see what my dad's work schedule would entail. It feels like I have been rude and despondent around my parents for the past few weeks but I know that wishing I felt better isn't what's best for me or them.

Why You'd Want To Live Here by Death Cab For Cutie

2011-09-08T23:47:00.003-04:00

My life is still nothing like I expected it would be by now. I've been spending a lot of time with the serenity prayer lately. I got a gruesome migraine from all the neighborhood dogs having a barkfest and a lack of sleep, but I stayed up three extra hours after my sister came home to hear her out and be there for her. It's a very emotionally challenging time for her too and she's having her share of difficulties. She said she couldn't stop herself from crying a little at work today, but she said the little boy she was working with has Autism and was too happily consumed in his toys to notice. We both need a mental vacation. I've been searching for a mental out, somewhere to send all of my thoughts so I can just breathe.

Roll Away Your Stone by Mumford & Sons

2011-08-18T03:49:00.002-04:00

I am throwing myself back into the job search with all I have hoping to fill this void in my life. I had a casual coffee meetings with one of my dad's old work friends to help re-motivate myself and network. She gave me a lot of really good valuable advice, a renewed sense of confidence, and the promise to mention me to everyone she can think of who could use me. I am so beyond words grateful for this kind hearted woman.

For the meeting I wore my new interview clothes, chic and a little 1960's. Maybe just the color choice of the top - it's definitely not very common in this decade. The skirt still doesn't fit right after I lost all that weight but it has cute side pockets that make it easy to readjust inconspicuously. The outfit made me feel grown up but youthful, curvy but professional. Sometimes you really do need an outfit that fits your body the way an outfit should, something to make you feel proud of yourself. I'm nervous, I'm excited. I need this. After the meeting I bought some pumpkin bread and the cute Starbucks guy seemed to be flirting with me, as much as a Starbucks barista can. I need that too.

Women often talk about how their early and mid twenties were the prime years of their life. I'm nearly 23, even though I can't stop thinking that I'm already 23. When it's my turn to look back, I feel like I'm going be pretty unsatisfied, because if these are the prime years of my life I do not know how to enjoy them. I'm a fool, I think.

Heart It Races by Architecture in Helsinki

2011-08-12T23:24:00.004-04:00

Although completely nostalgic, I had a great time reconnecting with my friends on my latest trip to Athens. And then it came, the awkward time when most of my good friends left early and I stayed with the birthday girl and her friends. All of her friends were being extremely nice and I thought I was too, so we were all having a great time and then the switch from tipsy to drunk is flipped.

And this is what I learned: I am a complete jerk to any guy who doesn't want to be friends - when I'm drunk. Sometimes it's that feeling that you're too drunk to say what you want to say mixed with the inability to stop slurring, and in those cases I am a cold hard bitch, or well, a near mute. Come to think of it, there really aren't any other conditions or cases. I would rather freeze someone out than share a long conversation in which I might make a total fool of myself. And I think this is why I can't make guy friends, who aren't gay, even when there is loads of potential. The minute things get awkward or it seems like there is anything more than a friend vibe, instead of addressing it and avoiding it, I just shut the hell up. And the more I think about it, that's kind of one of my biggest vices and the more I realize how far its reaches are, the more I want to work to stop doing that. Is it a step to becoming a better human being? I hope so.

The Wonder of You by Elvis Presley

2011-08-05T02:18:00.002-04:00

Tonight I was watching TV with my sister, struggling through the lapse of attention that comes with migraines, and an old almost country Elvis song came on. I remember watching Blue Hawaii and a few of his other movies while visiting my grandparents in Michigan. When I think of him as an actor, that's the first memory that comes to mind. Hearing that song makes me want to listen to him again and find the perfect Elvis addition to my Oldies but Goodies (name change pending) mix.

Today gave me a really peaceful feeling that I'm not quite sure I deserve. I would meditate on it more but my head is still pounding like fists on a dinner table.

Abducted by Cults

2011-07-29T01:31:00.005-04:00

Sleepy Fitz is mad at me because we came upstairs to go to bed before 12 and I still haven't fallen asleep. That and my squealing has woken him up. My two new obsessions? Listening to Cults on repeat and reading David Levithan's new novel, The Lover's Dictionary. I was pretty tired and wanted to fall asleep but reading this book was such a better idea. The narrator is unnamed, but an assumed male. Except for the definition of abstain, his lover could be a male or female. And really, abstain could be his lover's joke. I like not knowing, because I can apply the definitions to myself, and that makes it even more personal. I feel like his definitions encompass me, but I fit in casually, swapping between being the narrator and being the lover.

encroach, v.

The first three nights we spent together, I couldn't sleep. I wasn't used to your breathing, your feet on my legs, your weight in the bed. In truth, I still sleep better when I'm alone. But now I allow that sleep isn't always the most important thing.

- D.L.

Most Wanted by Cults

2011-07-28T01:14:00.002-04:00

According to the impromptu family meeting in the foyer tonight, shit is about to go down. All I can say is I don't want to get on another plane in the next two months. Not unless I get to go to the Steelers game in Seattle. I've never been to the west coast.

The next two months are probably going to be filled with threats, lies, tears, and heartbreak. Heyyy.

I feel like I've spent the past two months being there for my family, while also trying to avoid letting them consume me, trying to keep my own opinion in these matters. All of these tough times and tough issues have helped shape me. I realize I'm a lot stronger than I used to be, but at what price? Am I really stronger, for holding others up? For bearing their pain? Is this what growing up feels like? Am I even doing a good job of that? Fitz has been a great sense of comic relief and adorableness. I will continue to spoil him if he can make my mom smile.

What I could really use:
A good laugh.
A night out.
Home-made baked goods.
Some good news.
A job.

How Many Times Do You Want To Be In Love? by Quiet Company

2011-07-26T12:32:00.004-04:00

The mental, physical, and sometimes emotional side effects of my medicine seem to be toning it down. I've already had two migraines this week but otherwise I'm starting to feel like myself again. I spent the past six months or so trying to build myself up and prepare myself for this time of uncertainty in my life, so I was really pissed when a medication didn't just erase that, but the two years of happy healthiness. Okay, I wasn't always happy, but I didn't have to worry about controlling all the near death thoughts because they stopped coming. I am still pissed that a medication destroyed so much of my progress. I'm definitely not back to where I was feeling confident and secure and accepting of my life, but I'm working towards it. I want it so badly.

At the same time, I keep having that gut wrenching feeling in my stomach, like my insides might tear out if they hear certain news. Last night I had two nightmares that confirmed my fears and it made me realize how not ready I am for that to happen. I want all of my insides to stay where they're supposed to be. I don't want to be heartbroken anymore.

The Specialist by Interpol

2011-07-25T11:19:00.004-04:00

I want to give up on my internet addictions but then they just show up in my dreams, which really fucks up my reality. My parents used to have these run of dreams where the other spouse was cheating on them and they woke up so angry at each other. Those kind of dreams hurt so badly but you can't hold them against people without being unreasonable. It gets worse when you don't want to be the unreasonable one but you feel like you need to just talk about the dream, face it, and move on.

According to my dreams, in the past week I've been proposed to, hunted & also forced to watch a psycho with an ax kill all of my close friends, witnessed the creation of the ultimate man-eating beast and survived only because my friend was a ghost, & then I made a mockery of myself amongst my friends because I couldn't hold it in any more. I was filled with false hope and then scared shitless when everyone I cared about was being killed in front of me. You wake up and you want to shake it off, it was just a dream, but that last feeling remains to confuse you.

I'm so confused. I want things more than ever, things I had weaned myself from thinking of, cares I told myself wouldn't concern me any more. No matter how closed off I make my heart it still gets fucked with in my dreams. Like it's one big trick that I don't get to laugh at. It's hard for you to accept things or lose people or move on when your feelings are tricked to flip flop. And it's all in your head, and it makes you feel delusional. Nothing stays buried. Nothing is as easy as it should be.

French Navy by Camera Obscura

2011-07-19T03:22:00.004-04:00

The only poetry I can seem to write scares the shit out of me. Everything just flows into something darker, something that I didn't mean to develop, but it's there sifting inside of me. Dark lines and darker times. The worst was with the first medication. I never thought I would let myself go back to sophomore year, but the feelings came back with every pill I took to ease the physical pain. It's not as bad without the first medication, but it shouldn't still be here. It feels so secretively dangerous. Like it'll strangle me in my sleep. Like I'm tangled in the sheets. I'm not sure it's worth it to be twisted into this much sadness. I wish there was a brain tumor that could explain why my head often feels like the electric chair. Something there to prove I'm not crazy. I would court all of the brain surgeons until someone could remove it for me.

Honey And The Moon by Joseph Arthur

2011-07-17T21:08:00.002-04:00

Seeing Lindsey last night was really nice but what came afterward really freaked me out. I feel like I need a week full of pick-me-ups to make me feel normal again. I am eternally grateful for my parents and how understanding and unconditional they are with me.

I just finished getting all of my stuff out of Athens so I have more boxes to organize and unpack and things to clean and put away. I've been craving brownies but my sister's kitchen is still new to me and I couldn't find anything to put them in. I wish there was someone I could invite over to help me decorate and eat brownies with me and watch a late night movie and girl talk like this whole summer never happened.

Paint's Peeling by Rilo Kiley

2011-07-14T19:20:00.001-04:00

This is so two years ago.

Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

2011-07-14T04:08:00.004-04:00

But then I feel like I'm pushing myself to be accepting of this situation and my own predicament. Maybe I'm rushing a little fast towards trying to be positive. Even if I do freakishly or accidentally die before I'm 30 (God forbid!), my life does totally suck right now. Even as maybe hopefully my soul floats up to heaven, who's to say how these things really work, (God, duh), I can still look back and accept that this part of my life sucks. To prove my point: I don't have any kind of best friend, boyfriend/fiance, friend group to see the last Harry Potter movie with. I think I'm just going to end up going alone to a matinee.

Hello Tomorrow by Yeah Yeah Yeahs

2011-07-14T03:43:00.003-04:00

I think that my creativity has come to such a big dry spell because there is just too much going on in my life for me to process right now, much to my unhappiness. Looking back, I write best when life is boring. Then I have to get creative to amuse myself.

Right now I have a lot of migraine drama and unemployment lows, but there's also something else going on in my life that I feel like constantly bringing up but try to restrain myself from. It's not my place to tell the whole world my business and everyone else's, but I feel like I'm being dishonest at times by not opening up with a few certain people. I think it's because it is having more of an effect on my life and eventually this will be something I will have to face.

What if I continue worrying about all of these things that could happen in the future and I die before I even turn 30? (My mother would kill me herself if I didn't add a GOD FORBID!) God, I miss Bruce. There is no time to waste not being happy and trying for the best.

Your Picture by Camera Obscura

2011-07-07T21:17:00.002-04:00

My summer can be summarized by job searches and migraines. The migraines became very intense in June and pretty constant, to the point where pain would spike in the exact same location night after night, sometimes multiple times a day. I started taking two new pills with a laundry list of side effects, all my old favorites, and now that I have regulated these pills into my system, the side effects have settled in too. The most prominent are a loss in appetite, things taste different, loss of energy, and of course when you roll all of those up - depression. It makes sense that all of these side effects would stimulate a depression. It's probably a liability issue that they have to list depression as a side effect.

I had a CAT scan taken of my head today so hopefully that will bring answers. The whole procedure went by really fast. It was sort of like a dream with a man with an orange mustache. He explained the procedure to me, offered me his hand to jump up, and padded me with those protective body covers. He said it would take 3 minutes but it felt more 2 minutes. The machine hummed, he reappeared and gave me his hand to jump down and then I was walking out through a long array of hallways. It takes them 5 minutes to email the images to your doctor. The magic of science.

Clouds by The Long Winters

2011-06-08T02:59:00.003-04:00

I need something to get lost in. If I'm not going to find a job any time soon, I'm going to need an adventure. I just can't stay here with the state of things. I will not work myself up over things that are out of my control. I will not fall any farther into this mess of emotion. I am salvageable.

All of my dreams are filled with this giant sense of adventure and I'm so much braver than I trust myself to be in them. I want to live. I want things to write home about. I want to write something every day that excites me. I have this huge chunk of money to fall back on if I need to, okay it's not that big but I could survive on it if I can't find a job right away. I'm like five steps farther off track from falling in love, but I don't think I could handle any more intensity right now. I really want simple right now. A simple place to dive off into adventure. Even if it scares me.

We're a kiss away from being dangerous
Kiss me and show me that it's true

Oh Girl by Cut Off Your Hands

2011-06-03T01:57:00.003-04:00

Beach Yo's:
1. My hair is much lighter/brighter.
2. My freckles are back in full force, even on my knees.
3. I am no longer as pale as the oldest person on the beach.
4. Friendly's always has the ice cream sundae of my dreams.
5. I was able to talk to Nadia.

I came to my family's time share hoping that I could have a nice time and relax, but I forgot that I hate the beach. It combines all of the elements that I hate: sun, sand, and salt water. Mom left Wednesday so it's just my sister and me now. My sister loves the beach. We have one car. Guess who's staying at the beach until THE LAST DAY POSSIBLE!??? Us, yaaaaaaaaaaaay.

I miss seeing Fitz every day. I really want to go home, cuddle with my cat and make plans with my friends. I need to find a job and finish painting my new room too. Eh.

Fun Fact:

Apparently Libby has been viewed in Russia, Slovenia, Germany, Denmark, the Netherlands, Canada, Japan, Malaysia, Spain, and Argentina.

Wake Up Exhausted by Tegan and Sara

2011-05-17T18:28:00.003-04:00

Okay Grandpa, back off. I had no idea you were going to be staying all week. You may be used to being accommodated by everyone else but I can't drop everything for you. I came home to spend time with my family instead of staying to celebrate with my fellow graduates in Athens. I've been here for four days and if you're still here next week, I'll see you then too. Drop that rude attitude and don't try and tell me I'm not giving you a straight answer. I did, three times, the same answer. Dad had planned to move my furniture out of Athens next weekend, and I have things I need to pack up before he can do that. Yes I will be moving in to Summer's place as soon as it is finished being painted. And so what if I do want to see my friends this week and hang out with them? Georgia is a lot hotter than Michigan and will only get hotter. Excuse me for wanting to take advantage of an unusual cool front.

And further more, irritating me is not really encouraging me to go up to Michigan for your surprise birthday party. I love you, but you don't know everything that is going on or how hard it is to stay here with you here. Blame mom, but don't get mad at me.

2011-05-17T14:40:00.002-04:00

So basically my mom was glad I chose to stay in Johns Creek until today so that I could hang out with my grandparents, but now she doesn't want me to spend the rest of the week in Athens because I should come back and hang out with my grandparents. I know she wants me to "spend time with them" but it feels like I'm baby-sitting them. She told me they were coming for my graduation, she didn't tell me they would be living with her for like two weeks. I'm sorry if I made plans to do things in Athens for a week before I moved in with Summer, but I don't want to wait until they leave, which could be June at this point. I don't think it's all that selfish. You need to tell them the truth instead of lying to them and avoiding it. Until you do, I don't want to be walking around here like a co-conspirator. And to be honest, I don't want to be here when you do tell them. I am tired of seeing conservative values and lies tear apart my family.

Windowsill by Arcade Fire

2011-05-16T00:08:00.003-04:00

Well my family is in no immediate physical danger, but there is a new situation that stands to change my family. I guess it has already changed my family, but there is a lot more change coming. I wanted to go back to Athens immediately tomorrow but I think my family needs me. There are bills I have to make sure get paid but I'm beginning to think this is a situation where my family comes first. I guess this is a really good time for me to move back home (well, close to home). God has a purpose for everything.

I really want to talk to someone who knows me well about this all but I'm not sure who I can tell now, if I should tell even my closest friends. Right now I need support because I have no idea how to take this. Deep inside, I wonder if I should know how to handle this because of my beliefs, and then I wonder what my beliefs really are. I wish there was someone who knew my heart and could tell me the truth about what lies there, even when emotions and drama cloud over it. I could really use a warm embrace. I want a hug that makes me feel like I am secure and I'm not going anywhere and I have someone who can help support me.

2011-05-15T19:39:00.002-04:00

Reasons why I could never be a model:

1. I lack grace.
2. This morning I hit my head getting into the car and fell backwards. Translation: I would never have a graceful red carpet moment. I would also probably have a lot of mini concussions, terrible for walking down the runway with.
3. While hugging my church friend today, we twirled and I tripped on uneven ground, taking her down with me. We both sustained multiple injuries. And I was wearing flats. Translation: Put me in heels on a Runway and I will ruin your show by taking all the models down with me.

I am sure you can compile a much longer list of "funny" reasons why I can't model/be famous. Making this little list is one of the few things I can do today to stay calm. I think something might be wrong with my mom but my parents & sister won't tell me until later. I've been waiting since 11am to find out. I am trying to act like I don't know anything is wrong because they don't want to tell my grandparents but I have the most disastrous imagination. I have been worried all day.

Petals by The Honorary Title

2011-05-15T00:39:00.001-04:00

Today has been a day internally ruined by the internet. When I am happy and celebrating something great and trying to enjoy life I should really just avoid the internet. I am not ready to see shit like that. I hate feeling jealous and I hate how jealousy makes me feel like a worse person. I’ve been holding a lot in lately, but I can’t pretend to not feel something.

Someday by The Strokes

2011-05-09T03:40:00.005-04:00

And since I like to discuss relationships and the effect people have on one another let's bring up nice guys. Why the hell can I attract nice guys when I don't even want to attract goldfish? Do they sense the fear and the uncertainty and the effort to be single and decide they would like to fix that? I've had this bizarre history with nice guys in college. Sometimes drinking can give them that extra edge to be pushy and give me a reason to hate them and sometimes drinking can only make them nicer. Can nice guys smell nice girls like honeysuckle? Is there some kind of effort being made by the universe for nice guys and nice girls to be together? (Something was definitely up with the universe last night because I saw all three of the guys who have actively liked me this semester downtown.)

Saturday night I went out with some friends for my friend Amy's birthday. Her one friend was very nice and really attractive but not my type at all. No matter how distant or attentive I was to the group he continued to get nicer and nicer to me until a blind girl could have told me he liked me. It was flattering but slightly discomforting because I don't really know how to politely reject a guy who has been nothing but kind and nice. Usually I just wait for the sign that things are about to go too far and then I either politely run the hell away or I speak up.

What sucks even more about trying to be single and not being interested in a nice guy is when he notices the things about you that you really want people to see. We had a really nice drunk conversation about my tattoo and my scars. We compared scar stories and he wasn't trying to be that guy who shows off his scars to impress the girls. I like recalling the memories that my scars remind me of. For instance, I still have two slight indentations on my arms from when I was scratched by the kittens I helped raise in my mom's office the summer after sixth grade. And it was like that for him. So why do I hit it off with guys I'm not interested in? There needs to be a warning given to guys upon initial attraction to me that I will only break your heart and fuck you up. I need time to finish figuring myself out and how I'm supposed to control myself and still find happiness.

Razor Blade by The Strokes

2011-05-09T02:41:00.004-04:00

I am finally finished with college!!!! A few years ago I went through a really hard time in my life and was offered the chance to take a break from school. That felt like the moment I stopped trying. I hated college. I hated the person it had made me. I hated being so overwhelmed by opportunities and yet being so damn dormant. What I knew was I wanted to finish college as soon as I could.

Now that its over I honestly don't regret not taking that break. I faced the hell that I had constructed for myself and I became much stronger for it. Even if it felt impossible to even breathe for days in a row. I pulled a whole 180 from spending years thinking a girl didn't have to always be in a relationship to be happy to thinking that I would only be happy again if I was with that one person. Every day being alone was like trying to breathe under water. But it was through that paranoia and self hatred that I was able to see clearly what I didn't like about myself.

I've started watching The L Word and have formed an appreciation for the character Jenny, who is also a writer. There's this one scene where Shane explains Jenny's actions by saying, "She's a writer." I have to go back and find that instance, because it was everything I ever needed to hear. It was something insightful that only a few people could ever say about me, Jenn or Lindsay or Leslie or maybe even Sarah and Red. Just the idea that no matter how normal things seem, there is always a powerful imagination working behind the scenes to create something else. Sometimes, especially when combined with a migraine eruption, it feels as if I've become so insane there's no turning back. I've changed my writing style, I've changed my medium, but writing is still this thrilling and puzzling experience that can consume me whole. I never wanted to go back to college until I found a teacher who helped me contain and reform my writing into something worth sharing. I want to find more teachers who can help me harness and control my ideas.

Even Better Yet by The Format

2011-04-27T01:53:00.003-04:00

I'm starting to feel the distance. There was even something at my last sorority meeting tonight, a feeling that I don't belong. I've been phased out. Only a handful of my real friends were there. The rest had phased out and I was lingering, trying to connect the girls who befriended me with the girls too new to remember those very friends. Tonight Melissa said something to me about how great I was as a Big, which is a lie. I wasn't much of a big the whole first year. This year though we forged a really strong connection. I was totally scared about being a Big at first. I didn't want someone who was always dt, someone "too cool" for me, but I didn't want an extreme doo-gooder who was more involved in the sorority than I was. I felt like there was so much more pressure to be liked as a Big than there ever was as a Little.

I called Lindsay when I came home tonight. Being a senior, my last chapter, taking pictures with the letters, there was something missing. A piece of my heart directs back to Lindsay, longs to pull her towards me. Talking to her broke down this distance that I feel is building between me and everybody. I come home and aside from Fitz wanting to bite me, there's no one waiting for me. There's no one who wants to hear about my day. No one wants to hold my hand. No one to tell me good stories and bad stories and funny stories. Lindsay is not excited about the commencement speaker. Her vote was Paula Deen. If Paula Deen could be the commencement speaker AND the caterer I would be in Southern heaven.

Perfect by the Smashing Pumpkins

2011-04-25T03:20:00.003-04:00

Easter joys:
1) I didn't fit into my original Easter dress because it was too big on me. :)
2) The dress I did wear was a little loose too, mainly in the back, proving I don't have back fat!!!
3) There were tons of hug between my church/TEC friends. There is something uplifting about someone being so excited to see you that they have to hug you tightly. Even if it cuts off your circulation for a little bit.
4) One of my guy friends told me I looked pretty in the slightly surprised/honest way.
5) So many jelly beans.
6) Our church friends invited us over for dinner Saturday night and I got to hang out with an old friend of mine. Dinner was SO GOOD and they made brownies and 3 different kinds of pie for dessert.
7) Fitz hissed at my family some but was the sweetest thing to me. He doesn't hiss at me normally, just them, but it was nice for his bitchiness to take another outlet.

Woes: I can never live in the same state as my brother. Or border states.

Service was strange today. It wasn't as upbeat as I was hoping. Even our HE IS RISEN! didn't sound that loud. I am looking forward to living close to my church again. I feel like English majors have this intense background knowledge of the Bible, even when they claim to not be Christians. College has taught me that I don't know my obscure biblical stories that well. Maybe I'll try the Adult Sunday school class. Ya know, if I could learn to wake up early enough.

Cannibal Queen by Miniature Tigers

2011-04-21T12:51:00.002-04:00

For some reason I felt kinda drunk late last night even though I didn't drink anything but water. I'm wondering if it's some kind of side effect of taking my pills on a fairly empty stomach. It was pretty annoying but I fell into a great sleep. Two crazy dreams but luckily I can't remember them.

Now if only my hormones would calm down. Hormones suck when you're single.

Walk In The Park by Oh No Oh My

2011-04-21T02:21:00.002-04:00

Brain, heart - shut up! I'm not drunk so stop making me feel drunk. Just shut up so I can sleep and avoid migraines and get work done tomorrow. And dreams, stop being so pessimistic and sad! Stop making the same boy break my heart over and over again and stop sending serial killers after me. Just be abstract or about puppies. If you create false images in my head of social networking sites or fake text messages in my phone AGAIN I swear I will find a way to abolish my R.E.M. cycle all together. Or I'll just stop sleeping. Behave or get lost. If I can live without my tonsils I can live without fucking dreams.

Again Again by Oh No Oh My

2011-04-21T00:40:00.006-04:00

Why am I such a bad cat owner? At the end of the day I can't come home and cuddle with my cat. He won't stop fucking biting me. I looked up ways to prevent it or avoid pissing him off but his bites come out of no where. I've been monitoring his fucking behavior. I've been searching websites for tips. I've given him space. I play with him when he meows out of loneliness/boredness. But he fucking tears up my flesh. Sinks his sharp teeth down and then I have to pick off the hanging skin. I'm crying. It didn't even hurt that much. But I guess it's finally gotten to me and my feelings are hurt. Tonight was just a really bad night for it.

I want to watch Veronica Mars sass people out or Buffy kick some demon's ass but I'm not sure watching tv on my computer is going to be good for my head. I was even going to bribe him with kitty treats to cuddle before he bit me. If I'm going to become some loser cat lady I'm pretty fucking bad at it.

Trashing Days by The Notwist

2011-04-18T17:59:00.004-04:00

Fitz and I are having a random sad day. I think he's just tired. He's been cranky for days.
I - I can't explain why I started feeling sad today. It just kind of came out of nowhere sometime after I got off the bus today. I have my Lutheran Campus Ministries diner tonight but I'm too sad to go. I hate sitting among people feeling completely disconnected, and that's what this particular sadness is evoking. The only people I want to see right now are unavailable tonight or I just don't have the heart to call and ask them to hang out with me while I try to regain composure.

I used to be so much more independent. If I was having a bad day I could get out of the house, drive around, and run errands without spilling over. I could just walk into the grocery store and try to sort out my feelings and thought in the cereal/juice aisle without drawing any attention. Now I have to wait until my exterior rebuilds itself before I can go out. Maybe I'll watch an episode or two of tv on Netflix and then get a slushie or go to the grocery store. I need gas, but it's so expensive, so I don't want to drive too much. I'd rather go somewhere that I can just disappear and not be talked to. Maybe I'll go back to Bear Hollow soon.

Just Like The Rain by The Maccabees

2011-04-15T01:28:00.003-04:00

Today has been a big day of accomplishments for me, though granted not really academic.

Today I:

1) Went to my doctor's appointment/graduated therapy again. :)
2) Napped.
3) Showered
4) Boiled Eggs.
5) Went to class.
6) Bought Cap, Gown, & Tassel.
7) Baked cookies.
8) Refilled my prescriptions and was given 4 extra migraine pills to make up for the 4 missing pills in my last prescription.
9) Decorated Easter eggs with Kaitlyn.
10) Made Kaitlyn smile.
11) Made chili for dinner.

I'm pretty proud of all of those. I waited a while to purchase number six because I knew having them in my possession would make the future seem too real too soon. I keep thinking about my Stillpoint acceptance when I need to cheer up. Just thinking about it makes me smile. It came at a really good time in my college career. I went to my scheduled doctor's appointment and Allison and I had a really good discussion. We've talked through all my fears and anxieties and difficulties and she thinks I've come out of it all with a really mature outlook. Now I'm left with the fears and anxieties that everyone has at this time in their life, and that's more comforting for me. She declared today my graduation from therapy and that was the added bonus that I needed to hear. I guess I'm really living day to day for the good news. I've been thinking about Bruce a lot lately. Every time I hear some really good news it's like I'm getting another hug from Bruce.

Open Book by The Rakes

2011-04-13T01:10:00.002-04:00

Time keeps on slipping by. Days cross themselves out before I remember to write the date on my notes. I'm supposed to have more time before graduation but it's all come and gone. Tomorrow is the one month mark. I could puke. These days I can't even make up some sarcastic remark to say when people ask if I'm excited about graduation or what my plans are. All that comes out of my mouth is a garbled mess and the smile I try on doesn't quite make it to my eyes, but I suppose the twitch in my cheeks has been pretty entertaining. This is one of those weeks where you can read it all on my face.

Only real benefits I've been having: Whenever I go to bed intoxicated I dream of celebrities who for some incomprehensible reason have the hots for me. First Jared Followill was seductively biting my ear. Then I met Heath Ledger at a party and no matter how hard I tried to shake him off he still seemed really interested in me and we ended up going on a mystery adventure. Last Thursday I was taunting and teasing Alex Greenwald. Unfortunately even though dream Jillian is becoming a seductive temptress, she also keeps being chased by killers. It makes me glad dreams don't come true. As much as I would like to have a better love life, I don't think I'd have a high survival rate.

The Random Facts I'm Concerned With These Days:
1 - Fitz has an aggressive side that comes out when we're cuddling. I have a painful laceration on my arm from where he bit me tonight. What's worse is when it hurts I want to hold him and snuggle but he's still nippy.
2 - I have 2 term papers due at the end of April and one due in May. I only know the length of two of them, which has me at a current total of anywhere between 18 and 25 pages of term paper grossness.
3 - One of the prose poems I submitted to Stillpoint Literary Magazine was chosen and they will be publishing it in this year's issue. I will officially be published, which is not that big of a deal except to me. They invited me to read at their launch party and if I can control my nerves I will. I want people to come because I've never had a real chance to share what I do with my friends before.
4 - I've started painting my new bedroom: Perfect Plum. It's a really beautiful deep reddish purple. Romantic and mature. My mom is letting me repaint my childhood bedroom too but I want to go with something lighter there, like a mint. I'm trying to figure out what parts of my Athens room to merge into my new room and my room at home. I don't want to have childish things on my walls and most of my posters wouldn't look good with my new colors.
5 - I watch too much HGTV in Johns Creek and too much Netflix in Athens.

Boys Don't Cry by The Cure

2011-04-06T20:24:00.003-04:00

Today's a good day for The Cure. I feel like I belong lost inside Just Like Heaven. It's this stupid middle of the week stump. Over stressed, tired, middle of the week catch up with a big creative writing bust. I do not look forward to presenting next week because I don't look forward to anything in this class anymore. It was supposed to be certified anti-senioritis class. It doesn't really do anything for me. Nothing positive at least. But after class I usually wait alone at the bus stop watching people get picked up by friends and lovers and roommates. That part's been getting real lonely.

I've felt real disconnected lately - to my friends, my environment, myself. I'm not myself. I think this is Jillian in fear, on pause. I'm focusing so much on school but what's the point? Why focus on something that won't matter in a month? It's almost gotten back to the vicious cycle where everything makes me happy reminds me of him and everything that reminds me of him makes me terribly sad. I think I've started doing the zombie thing again, sitting somewhere with no concept of time, no memory of where your thoughts have gone, just sitting there existing with sad eyes. I will combat this with extra friend time and maybe a feel good shoe shopping trip and maybe soon a weekend painting my new room.

We Used To Be Friends by The Dandy Warhols (the fear)

2011-03-31T17:02:00.002-04:00

I've been highly emotional lately, which has been unsettling in a few ways. I'm gonna try to deal with it myself: I scheduled an appointment with my counselor for tomorrow. Hopefully her advice and my efforts will change my mood and reinstate a sense of normality. If not I am considering getting my thyroid checked a few months early to see if my hormone levels have changed and I just need a different dosage. I really hate having a disease that fucks with my hormones and moods. I can do that all by myself, thank you. It was a real shock when the doctor's found this in my little eight year old body since it's a disease that does not normally set in until middle age.

I'm under a lot of school stress but I feel like I keep overreacting to things. I feel really unsettled. I'm able to put things in perspective but I'm reacting more than I should be. I think there's something there that I'm not realizing. My little helped me talk things through a bit and I'm starting to think I have a growing fear of losing my friends. When you leave for college you expect to know some people from your high school and if not you know you will constantly be around people who are potential new friends. But when you leave college there is no fresh friend pool to dive into. Coworkers are generally middle aged, potentially twice my age. My current living situation isn't currently helping foster any sense of belonging and maybe I do have a giant fear people won't bother to keep in touch once I'm gone.

No More Running Away by Air Traffic

2011-03-29T00:51:00.003-04:00

I am secretly still scared of this week. If I can get to Thursday everything will be fine and the only change will remain unnoticeable. In fact, it won't really be a change at all, just a recommitment to life made silently amongst a steady support of friends.

This has been a totally unwanted stress, something that no one could have prepared me for. I feel like this has really made me reevaluate my life, which is not the best time as far as the stress from my school work. I don't want to look back on my days and only recall the negative. I still have my dreams to travel, but I don't want to live every day waiting for that preplanned adventure. My spring break trip taught me to look back on each day and reflect on the positive. I keep thinking about my worries and my concerns - graduating, finding a job, finding myself in the business world, and my gigantic concern that I'll be all alone. I've been trying really hard to reconnect with the friends who mean so much to me so that I won't lose touch after graduation. I want to visit people and have people over. I guess I can't completely say goodbye to Athens. I think I'm struggling with the idea that some people will move out of state and that's just how life is. The people you love the most are not always going to conveniently live in the same town as you.

But I'm jumping the gun, I don't have to grow up completely right now. I'm just going to keep listening to my In Case of Emergency mix and snuggling the kitty tonight.

I Love Her by The Redwalls

2011-03-25T03:01:00.003-04:00

I first started liking The Redwalls because I thought they sounded a bit like The Beatles. I love this song because it reminds me of being not drunk, but a little tipsy. Maybe cause I like to sing it in a slur, or a drawl. Both I catch myself doing while tipsy.

Despite having a paper to finish, I found myself really nostalgic late tonight. I started rereading and editing my last updates in my Kaely piece and then I found myself listening to mixes I made while trying to write my Kaely piece. I am so impressed with some of the stuff I wrote. I know I've been coming back to this piece for the past four years, but there are scenes that I can hardly recognize they sound so intelligent. Every once and a while I am quite impressed with my word choice, probably because I started writing this when I was so young and I expect to find an eighteen year old's vocabulary. There's still a lot of moving from a to b required in this piece but I'm really glad I didn't rush it. The piece has definitely matured with me and the characters have taken paths I could not have foreseen at eighteen, nineteen, twenty.

I think one of the reasons I connected so easily with Kayley is because I knew I could trust her. I knew it in her name.

Baby (ft Ludacris) by Justin Bieber

2011-03-24T18:04:00.005-04:00

I want to go back to St. Louis so badly right now. I'm having problems applying the life lessons I learned on the trip to life in Athens. Now I just start randomly crying and I feel crappy all the time. Apparently this is happening to a few people from my trip, and we all want to go back. We're talking about going back on our own in May, which would mean the world to me, but is not today. Thankfully everyone on my trip gets along and we've all become a great support network. One of the girls is going to Panera with me tonight just so I don't go alone twice this week.

I've been sick this whole week and I'm not getting better. The Health Center thinks I have a virus and so they can't prescribe anything for me. "Just take Mucinex D and cough syrup and continue drinking lots of liquids." Lies. Nothing is getting better. I'm supposed to make another appointment if it doesn't get better but I've never had something where Day 4 was just as crappy as Day 2.

Fitz has been so loveable. My horrendous coughing does not scare him nor wake him from his blissful kitty sleep. Fitz is going to have to learn to love the car because I am not leaving him behind any time soon.

I guess it really bothers me that I can't maintain a positive spirit here. I miss this one resident, Bruce, who made us feel welcome from day one at Doorways. Bruce has been HIV positive for almost twenty years and when we were there he went to a doctor's visit where he found out he has cancer. But Bruce didn't let that break his smile or stop him from telling us stories and listening to ours. His hugs are so tight, like you've known each other for years, and it's shocking afterward, to realize that a man who's that physically weak can give an embrace that strong. He gave us really good advice which now seems almost hard to put in use here. Right now I'm struggling most with, "If something bothers you, don't let it."

The Banjolin Song by Mumford & Sons

2011-03-22T02:16:00.005-04:00

I opened up to my ASB group about my kitten poems and my daydream of writing a children's book of poems about cats (& now I'm thinking pets in general). In my last creative writing class I wrote about cats in almost all of my in class writing exercises so I have to dig around and read them again. They're mostly lighthearted and simple, but they just make me happy. Maybe writing silly cat poems is what I need in order to avoid writer's block.

I finally shared this one with Kayley. I don't have a title for it yet but I guess I regard it as the flamingo poem. Definitely a work in progress. The guy in the poem can either be a cat or a guy, though towards the end it sounds less like a cat.

I sewed the pink flamingo's throat,
knotted the ends so you won't see
the flesh and gauze contained in she.
Said cautiously in a note.

He told me of a gaping mouse
that he had no skill in thread.
I was on my way to bed
but yearned to visit his house.

A string of baby blue
hid silently in my pocket
for the boy inside my locket -
for his confusion to subdue.

I never patched his holes when
I was his, he covered them
so I wouldn't pity him.
How I want to return to then.

I would fill his holes and
feed his cat. He could
trust me, for I would
never let go his hand.

Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons

2011-03-21T00:56:00.005-04:00

A long time ago I held all of the bad things in until they weakened me. Then I found someone who could comfort me during the worst of the bad things. It's hard to stay strong when the natural disasters of your life strike. Having someone to hold onto you, pull your hair back and whisper I'm here is so simple but sometimes the only thing you need.

I've been trying to mend things back myself but I still fall when everything builds up against me. This week taught me that I have so many people to lean on and call on. Still, separating from them today was hard. A lot harder after the events of last night. I wanted so badly to call on that one person today. I wanted to feel the pieces come back together in the safety of his arms, but I'm afraid he's lost the glue...or I'm not allowed to ask for the glue? We promised to still be there if it was something really important, but I couldn't bear to ask for help.

I wish I had a comfort mix that worked as well as comfort food. My throat is swollen from today so I haven't been able to swallow comfort foods. Fitz's purring has helped me calm down some, but I really wish I had someone to fall asleep against.

Happy Faces by The Maccabees

2011-03-20T16:15:00.004-04:00

Nothing could have prepared me for last night. We were so scared and shocked and worried. Someone's life was in my hands last night and I really hope we made the right decisions. I'm still so worried for my friend. We waited up with her the whole night and took her to get some help this morning.

This past week spent with the residents of Doorways really helped me reevaluate life. There is so much in life worth living for and you can't let your worries stop you from living your life to the fullest. The people I met didn't let having HIV/AIDS destroy them. They resonate positivity. After everything that happened last night and last week I just want to embrace life.

Toothpaste Kisses by The Maccabees

2011-03-11T17:40:00.004-05:00

I am not ready for this week or what it means to me. I'm really glad I'm doing Alternative Spring Break, it's a good thing that I'm proud to be a part of, but I am really afraid of emotionally combusting this week.

I really think I need this week to not talk to him. Talking has been going well. It's a bit confusing trying to stir friend emotions and friend responses because they don't always come naturally anymore. I really needed the month spent not communicating with him. It really helped me out but the longer the silence lasted these knots filled my stomach. All of my friend feelings that transformed or merged into romantic feelings felt iced over when they weren't allowed to be anymore. I had this overwhelming feeling that he hated me. I knew I was being unreasonable but all those left out feelings were on strike.

I have a whole year's perspective on how things began and still, after everything that's happened, I still wish this week was my spring break from last year. All I wanted to do today was drive to his house, knock on his door and enter into the adorable and exciting experience of last year. And that is exactly why I need this week of having no internet access. I don't want to ruin the remains of our friendship. Losing his friendship & feeling shunned was harder than the worst events of my sophomore year.

Dear Prudence by The Beatles

2011-03-08T18:52:00.002-05:00

Today I have felt overwhelmingly sad for no reason. It's just like this unjustifiable sadness creeped up on me. Hormones? Maybe. When I got home today Fitz cuddled up against my legs while I finished watching Pushing Daisies, so I swung him around to cuddle against my chest and he was so sleepy that he stayed and made cute sleepy faces. It was nice and he was so adorable but then I just felt even more sad. What if this is my life?

There was a free pancake dinner at the Lutheran church in Athens that I was really looking forward to going to. Only there's no way I could hide all this sadness there and that would just be uncomfortable. I need a hug.

Sea of Love by Cat Power

2011-03-07T21:48:00.002-05:00

Lindsey made a great comment that this song plays at great moments in shows & movies. I agree but there's something overwhelmingly saddening in Cat Power's songs, or at least the ones I like. Her voice is smooth and soft, almost like it follows in motown's footsteps but not really. It's beautiful and it's sad and no matter how a show or film tries to use it that's how I feel about it.

I don't know if it's a side effect from watching shows aimed for teens, Pretty Little Liars, or if it's the music or if it's an accumulation of sad days and better days but I want to cuddle with someone so badly. Make out with a guy, cuddle with someone warm, hold hands with someone sweet, smile with a cute stranger. That's the current range of my Wanting Something Sweet meter. I want my little dial to click click click from one to the next. But I know I'm not ready. The only dial going click click click in my life is on a countdown to graduation and job search panic mode.

1, 2 Step by Ciara

2011-03-06T02:59:00.003-05:00

Oh boys, boys, boys. Cool your jets. Take some time when you get home and think about this friend request, really think about it, and if you are going to send it tonight, please please please don't include a message. Play It Cool Boy needs to make it in the hands of all those awkward high school boys once they start college.

I had a lot of fun tonight and I made the very bold step of befriending a guy at a party. Having gone to the same high school was really my only life jacket topic when the party mysteriously emptied but thankfully the party rose again with a kickass dance floor. Boy tried to convince me he could throw awesome dance parties but he had the most basic set of awkward white boy dance moves. Maybe he does have good taste in music, but I've been kind of spoiled with top notch Dance Partyyys and I just have very high standards set.

How does one politely say: It was really nice meeting you and I'm so so glad you didn't ask for my number but if I accept your friend request please don't facebook stalk me. ???

Congratulations in order for me, from me:
1) 2 parties, 2 Strongbows generously spaced: easily sober & capable of driving home and no future hang over for me.
2) Drove a boy home for walking me to my car in a sketch part of town: did not get hit on, except minor invitation to hang out at 3am, did not have to share my number.
3) Made a new friend at the second party: did not look like a complete loser.
4) Wore a kickass top & kitten heals & skinny jeans & leather jacket: looked adorable/sassy.

These Arms by Matt Costa

2011-03-03T01:57:00.002-05:00

I went to see Matt Costa play in a little venue in Atlanta, fall of 2008. His music was so cheery but folksy. He was so tall, so tall, and ruggedly handsome, but so so drunk. I was pissed that he was drunk but I swooned anyway. When he performed it was hard not to. He makes the kind of music that I wanted boys to put on mixtapes for me in high school.

These songs are as bad as wine is for me. Once the swooning starts I am an intoxicated fool. I want to cuddle close to someone. I want a fresh kiss. I want a magical bliss. Stupid, stupid swooning.

Don't Steal Our Sun by The Thrills

2011-03-01T23:10:00.004-05:00

I've been making a lot of lists lately. Today's list is:

A List of My Day's Accomplishments = Why I'm so Tired
1. Spent the morning studying.
2. Roman Cities Midterm.
3. ASB phone tag.
4. ASB paperwork.
5. Shower.
6. Clean bathtub/tile.
7. Clean bathroom counter tops.
8. Swiffer floor.
9. Vacuum bedroom.
10. Clean Vacuum.
11. Vacuum next room.
12. Dry hair.

Simple Math by Manchester Orchestra

2011-03-01T03:07:00.003-05:00

My last undergraduate midterm: 2:00 Park Hall. Technically it's a 2 part, 2 day midterm.

I've always had a problem of putting seniors on pedestals. They're older and have been here longer and they're obviously so much cooler and they are SO MUCH smarter than meager little me. I've always hated pedestals. I always expect senior year to be more of an ego boost, but I feel no different. And it doesn't matter. What underclassmen think of me as a senior means nothing now. I'm still trying to figure it all out. I'm still a kid.

But maybe it's time for me to make mistakes somewhere else. Maybe a move will cure my nightmares. Maybe a move will push me into my deepest corporate fears. A vacation in the real world. And then a graduate program, my choice. Finally a chance where I get to really look at schools and programs and make my own choice.

What if you believe me? Everything is brilliant.

Always New Depths by Bloc Party

2011-02-27T03:08:00.003-05:00

It's funny how much you can like something without paying attention to it. Thursday night I heard a Bloc Party song that I love downtown and I sang along because I knew every word - here's the catch, I don't know which song it was. I simply couldn't think of the title at the time and after listening to their earlier stuff I can't be certain if it was Helicopter or Staying Fat. Probably Helicopter, but I can't be sure.

Likewise, I drove around listening to a mix my ex made me for 5 months before I realized what I was listening to. At first I really liked the songs and over time I found myself able to sing along with basically every song on the mix. But then it was brought to my attention that it was about our relationship, ups and downs included. Now I kind of hate it. I mean, it's a good mix if you're not looking for a message behind it. But I should have been. I should have been alarmed that songs like Between Love & Hate by The Strokes, Bad Stuff by Free Energy, and The Cave by Mumford & Sons are on it. Now singing along to it kinda sucks too.

I'm making a new mix to drive around and sing along to; it's called Super Fun and it will have no hidden messages. I'm looking forward to finishing it soon!

She's Hearing Voices by Bloc Party

2011-02-27T02:46:00.004-05:00

Fitz has solutions for everything.

1. Studying too much and neglecting him? Solution: He will lie down on keyboard or laptop or notebook.
2. Bad posture? Solution: He will wedge between the back of the desk chair and my back, forcing me to sit straighter.
3. Not going to bed? Solution: He will cuddle behind my back in the desk chair, warming up my lower back and sending sleepy vibes.
4. Poor? He'll be happy with just a straw to play with.

Up Up & Away by Kid Cudi

2011-02-26T22:15:00.005-05:00

Today has been a productive errands day. I made it to Borders for their close out sale, convinced my mom to buy me groceries - including all the ingredients I need to make a seven layer dip for next week, and a free dinner at Macaroni Grill.

Right now Borders' sale is only 20-30% off.

Books I Bought
1. About A boy by Nick Hornby
2. Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman
3. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë
4. Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë
5. The Almost Moon by Alice Sebold
6. Wrecked by E.r. Frank

Other items
1. Cute mosaic notebook
2. A baby gift for a friend
3. Post-It tabs
4. Purple umbrella
5. Deathly Hallows poster

Iou by Metric

2011-02-23T03:50:00.001-05:00

I know I really lost touch with who I was at the end of last year. I've been working so hard to fix myself, to find myself again. It's incredibly hard but it has so much reward. I'm proud of all that I worked through so far. I know there's a lot more that I have to finely tune, but after the conversation I had tonight I am so glad I started this process.

Stupid by The Long Winters

2011-02-23T03:36:00.002-05:00

Tonight I realized that I was dragging the boy I loved in the dirt for longer than I thought.
I thought all the problems we faced would be momentary and we could work through them together. I think I just learned the definition of blinded by love.

California by Copeland

2011-02-21T03:23:00.003-05:00

There is so much on my mind tonight. I wanted to wait until tomorrow, until after my essay/close-reading was finished, but I can not stop this matter of the heart from consuming my thoughts. Instead I am writing a letter to my grandma.

Maybe it's the senioritis catching up on me, maybe it's priorities, maybe I really don't care about this assignment, but I can not find a way to focus on it and just be done with it. My grandma didn't care about school and although she's proud of me, was nothing more than a C student. She was also "difficult" and poor. She threw a typewriter out an open window once. I think she would understand my predicament about school and life quite well.

I want the murmurings of my heart to cease, to let my brain take over, finish this assignment and then just sleep and sleep. I would prefer to sleep for a few days before settling this matter of uncertainty? Fear mixed with excitement mixed with sorrow? If I sound oddly formal, you should read this letter. It's like I'm writing in 1864. And that just shows the cause and effect of spending a whole weekend reading a 400-something mid 19th century novel.

Four Long Days by Voxtrot

2011-02-20T02:29:00.002-05:00

Disadvantages of being tall:
1. Growing pains
2. Bad knees (though that's more genetic, thanks Dad)
3. It intimidates the boys (mostly middle school/high school)
4. Backseats with no leg room
5. Your feet dangle off small beds
6. If you wear heels you tower over EVERYONE
7. "Long" lengths of jeans are still not long enough

2 Atoms in a Molecule by Noah and the Whale

2011-02-19T00:23:00.004-05:00

So that I can keep up, I am going to start keeping a running list of my friends who are engaged. It has gotten intense post-Christmas. A few of them are my really close friends and I better be invited to the wedding! I've known one since 3rd grade and known of the other since 7th grade. It's so strange seeing old friends become old enough to get married. It's hard to see old friends past that initial memory, the one that stays at the very center of the friendship, but it gives me incredible joy to see them so happy and in love.

Recently Engaged:
1. Leslie (+Ryan)
2. Lindsay F. (+Marc)
3. Caroline (+Daniel)
4. Natalie
5. Brooke
6. Mallory
7. Rachel
8. Nicole
9. Gaby

I'm 22. It's time to face the facts that my friends are getting married. I'm sure the numbers will increase after graduation. Here are the current totals:
3 - Sorority Sisters are now married.
5 - Friends who got married in college/college age

Why this is all okay:
1) Weddings are lots of fun!
2) Weddings have great food!
3) There will be cute single guys.

Tie Up My Hands by Starsailor

2011-02-18T03:02:00.003-05:00

Was having a great week until I realized Fitz wasn't in the apartment. Searched and cried and cried and made signs to put on my neighbors' doors for an hour before one of my neighbors answered my call, thankfully the apartment where Fitz had sneaked into. I am the most frantic, pathetic, cat mom with a WILD imagination. My heart beat is still out of control. I would be devastated without Fitz. I love the little cuddle bug so much.

Bang Pop by Free Energy

2011-02-14T01:49:00.003-05:00

This weekend, minus the horrible upset that occurred Saturday morning - afternoon, was great. I have less than a 100 days until graduation and I think it's time to make the best of it. I actually enjoyed myself downtown on Friday night and am willing to go out more if my little Melissa is willing to do my hair & make-up like she promised. I'm so lazy with my look, it feels real nice to look real nice. It appears I am all intimidating downtown, guys are really stupid to believe that but it's so much easier to let them believe that than pretend to flirt. Let's be honest, I can't flirt. But I am really good at talking up other girls. Best example? Kaitlyn, with two different guys, who both ended up liking her. So I think I should just embrace it and learn to be a wing woman.

I spent Sunday baking cupcakes and heart shaped cookies with my other friend Melissa. I was expecting more girl talk about this guy in her creative writing class that she was trying to flirt with. No guy who has half a brain can resist her adorableness. Apparently I was right because she ran into him Friday night and he asked her on a date and it just sounded ADORABLE. I love that early stage of liking a guy and the flirting and the uncertainty of what's going to happen next. The butterflies and the flirty texts and the never ending smiles. It's the best. I am so happy for her! I want this for more of my friends, so wing woman I must! I should probably rewatch How I Met Your Mother and take lessons from Robin.

I really need to edit my Top Secret "Girls Only" Mix, The Innermost Thoughts of a Girl In Like. I think it's time to start distributing it. Nakeem had asked me for it when I first constructed it but it felt wrong giving a guy access to these top secret girl thoughts. I mean, I feel if you can understand this mix you can get almost any girl, and that's a power not all guys can handle. Or should have.

My Moon My Man by Feist

2011-02-13T00:27:00.006-05:00

My mom came and spent the day with my hungover pathetic self. Spending the remains of the day with her made me think of my perfect day. I had this huge urge to listen to the Meaning of Family and make my second mix, but during the day when it's sunny. The Meaning of Family was originally called Father, and it still is in my itunes. It's partner, Mother, is sadly only three songs long. Father is kind of heartbreakingly serious and then cheesy.

Queso Love by The Warm Fuzzies

2011-02-11T03:49:00.003-05:00

I want to graduate so badly so that I can recreate a normal sleep schedule, be too distracted doing something I enjoy to have time to waste procrastinating or going down memory lane, and so that I don't have to take my work home with me. 8 to 4. 9 to 5. That's it. I'm not gonna stay up until 4 AM trying to write a paper I don't care about.

Also, how can anyone not love a song about cheese? I've never heard a song about cheese that was this catchy and not super cheesy. But really, this is an awesome song. If I ever see this band live I am going to have to shake their hands on a job well done.

meow meow meow by Fitz

2011-02-11T01:18:00.004-05:00

I shouldn't drink wine alone, no matter how good I think I feel, because it is just a ruse and soon Fitz will bite my feet and the page will be blank and I'll be starved for the feel of the wind from an open car window. I have bite marks on my ankle and intense procrastination and probably a ton of insecurity and doubt and maybe even a little annoyance at Fitz.

He was SOOOOOO cute and sleepy and cuddly earlier. It was so so so cute. He followed me around when I started to hyperventilate and he looked concerned, for a cat. But now it is just meeeeeoooooow. He's wide awake because I let him nap so much during the day. He wants to play and won't stop meowing out of boredom. He's on an "attack" spree, first Simba, then the bag, then Simba in the bag. I gotta hide my ankles.

And I miss Charlotte. I miss going on errands and taking her with me.
Having a dog in the car > having Fitz in the car.
I think Fitz and I are having a squinting contest. He's being pissy. I'm tipsy.

Me and Mrs. Jones by Marvin Gaye

2011-02-10T23:06:00.002-05:00

Yeah this paper is getting no where. It's going to be a long night, so I poured some Moscato and turned on Marvin Gaye. I love his voice so much, I'm even singing along. I'm kinda afraid my neighbors can hear me, but I don't care enough to stop. I want to slow dance so badly.

Under Cover of Darkness by The Strokes

2011-02-10T13:33:00.004-05:00

I have to stop watching Arrested Development and write my paper today. My 2nd book still hasn't come in and I'm not sure I can get away with not citing the page or even having the correct wording/style for her poems, so I guess I'm writing this paper all on Walt Whitman. Cool. Fitz is taking a thousand cat naps today. Cool.

I downloaded the new Strokes single today but I have no one to talk to about it. I miss my old friend.

Introduction by Voxtrot

2011-02-09T15:22:00.003-05:00

Maybe there is such a thing as an inner voice. Something you have less control over, which really you have full control over. Last week my inner voice was all I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. This weekend it feel silent until one moment when it sassed at me from the middle of the encroaching sadness, You got this! Don't worry your single sexy self! And I was like woahhh where did that come from? Single sexy self? I don't think I've ever viewed myself as both at once. This afternoon this inner voice is full of confusion, going back on it's word. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. No I'm not. I don't need to be told, by myself, that I'm heartbroken. That's not helpful. I'm trying to fix myself, thank you. Heartbroken. Heartbreaking. I wish my inner voice would shut the fuck up.

Ghost by Voxtrot

2011-02-07T02:04:00.004-05:00

Dear friends,

I would like to fight my case for feeling better with a simple pro/con list, excluding all talk about a boy or a relationship or how it makes me feel. I would also like to give you a break from my inner ramblings. So the positive side, let's jump in!

Pros
- I lost weight (5+ lbs).
- I finally bought hot new clothes (which I look even better in due to lost weight).
- My "new year/new me" hair cut is cute, simple, fun, and I'm still getting compliments on it.
- I have not become an alcoholic.
- I am actually excited to move in with my sister.
- I have plenty of time to play with Fitz.
- I am finally bonding with my littles.
- I have AMAZING friends.

Cons
- Loss of appetite = I'm not eating as many delicious foods as I'd like to be.
- Food goes bad when you don't eat it.
- Fitz cries on long car rides when he hears the windshield wipers.
- It rains a lot.

Go Ahead by Rilo Kiley

2011-02-06T01:24:00.003-05:00

I feel like watching HGTV officially makes me a cat lady, but I don't care. Mostly I love House Hunters International. I still want to move to Italy soooo badly. Tonight my dad even stopped, on his way to bed, and watched a whole episode because the couple was looking in Abruzzo, where my dad's family lives. Our family's town is Montenerodomo, which is in Chieti in Abruzzo. To put things in U.S. terms, the region of Abruzzo is kind of like a state and Chieti is a county in it.

Dad just couldn't look away. I couldn't either. I am on the Don't-Vacation-Until-We-Own-A-Home-In-Italy bandwagon. My parents won't be paying for my expenses once I graduate and I am the youngest. No more college expenses means a whole new savings plan. I vote Italy. The Italian government is trying to do a lot to convince people to move back to Italy and have all of these renovation plans for the empty/abandoned homes. Apparently you can buy a house at a contracted rate and then the contract company renovates and furnished your new Italian home. A house in a small town, a house in the country, I would be perfectly fine in either. There is something so different in their way of life and friendly attitude that is so refreshing. I felt like I was really living when I was in Italy. I would almost love to live in Summer's home until we can purchase some kind of family "vacation" home in Italy and then I could live there so we wouldn't have to hire anyone to tend to it while my parents are in America and I could find some job in the town and write something that could launch my writing career. First I need to learn Italian. I wonder if I could hire a friend to tutor me in it with old textbooks. Oh, Italy.

For now I can simply dream of a day when Fitz and I can escape quarantine and enjoy an adorable little Italian home, near real authentic Roman ruins, filled with vases and vases of those red Italian poppies, learning to love coffee and filling notebooks with the history of my family. I would love to get to know my Italian family. I would love for them to teach me how to make a meal out of the limited ingredients found in the town. I'd probably have to go out of town to buy candy in bulk to appease my sweet tooth.

I am embracing my age and my new life. Summer is letting me live in the room behind the garage on her first floor. My "nook" consists of a bedroom, attached full bath, decent closet, and a little hall that leads to the garage and the stairs to the 2nd floor (kitchen/living room/front porch/back deck). Living with my sister will make it easier to forget that I'm living in a room in someone else's house. She's really excited about me moving in and I can tell she's looking forward to my company. Today I took home a lot of paint swatches. My mom is letting me repaint my room at my house so I have two different color schemes I'm playing with. I really think I want a dark maroon, purple with red tones shade at Summer's place. But now I'm also between shades of green (sea-foam green, mint) and teal (bluegreen shades, my favorite) for my childhood bedroom. I think my mom wants me to go tame in my childhood bedroom but she also has recently confirmed they aren't moving out for a very long time. So I am living in the land of paint colors and a new comforter and picking out new pieces of furniture to create a mood and I feel like I'm finally acting my age. I kind of want to just take Janie shopping every week and get her opinion and channel her completely ADORABLE taste in my decorating. I'm thinking of even creating a mood board.

Sleeping In by The Postal Service

2011-02-03T16:27:00.003-05:00

Therapy this morning made things temporarily worse. Now I miss him miss him miss him repetitively. It's like the subliminal "sleep" repeated in the background of Sleeping in by The Postal Service. It's constantly there despite everything else going on in the song. Funny thing is I can't even listen to this band anymore. They used to calm my nerves, now they just make me sad.

Sundress by Ben Kweller

2011-02-02T02:08:00.003-05:00

Somehow I managed to get shit done, pick up food AND EAT IT, napped, copied missed notes, watched a movie, wrote some prose poetry and play with Fitz despite the hell I woke up to. AND I didn't have a friend come over. I did it all alone...on a gloomy rainy day. I'm proud of myself even if to the outside world this sounds like nothing to get excited over.

I'm still tense with my music collection but I'm gonna try to sort through it and make a mix about being married and being scared. Then I need to make a mix to make me feel really happy afterward. I kinda chose a really dark complex subject for my creative writing project. Maybe that's a good thing? I don't know.

In case I try to engage you on my project and you actually read my blog, here's a little bit about it. We have to pick a character in a certain time period and we have to use real sources for that time period or event. So my characters are inspired by two of my middle school teachers who got married, he's this funny, dorky 7th grade science teacher and she used to teach 7th grade Language Arts. I'm gonna set them back a few years though - 1999/2000, back when there were so many threats of violence in schools. It's based on their disagreements, trying to start a family in such a threatening environment, and her miscarriages.

Slow Hands by Interpol

2011-02-01T12:36:00.003-05:00

My anxiety has gotten real bad and has seeped into my dreams. I keep having these realistic dreams (I hate when modern technology shows up in my dreams) and I wake up feeling like I'm having a panic attack.

I spent the morning playing with Fitz instead of reading for class. I'm going to get so far behind so fast all because I can't force myself to care or try. My appointment isn't until Thursday and I've already rung the hell out of my emergency contact. I need some kind of change.

I'm so close to graduating but I want to move back home so badly. I hate it here. Whatever portion of a good day I can manage to obtain just crashes. Thank God Fitz is so affectionate and cuddly. I would be so much worse off without Fitz.

Janet by The Format

2011-01-31T18:41:00.003-05:00

In today's Rate The Pain scale I am a 9.5 in heartbreak, misery, and jealousy.
I had a really great weekend, a 2 or 3, but that was only temporary. Without any warning my heart turned back and I just absolutely miss him. My therapy appointment isn't until Thursday.

All the good advice my friends gave me just gets swept away when I miss him this much. There's so much I miss about him and so many good memories I can't get out of my head. Missing him this much makes me physically nauseous. And there goes my appetite again.

Heartbeats by Jose Gonzalez

2011-01-29T23:45:00.004-05:00

Today has been pretty good to me. It was super sunny and nice out today so my mom cleaned my car inside and out. June looks good! Mom got out that weird neon green scratch and she was finally able to get the coke(?) stains off my seats. Charlotte and Fitz put on a show today. Fitz really enjoys living with dogs and, of course, running wild up and down the stairs. I can't wait for him to have a doggy roommate and all the extra room to play in.

I miss sleeping in and then waking up feeling so relaxed. The cramps totally sucked though so I stayed in bed with a heating pad. I still haven't figured out this medical mystery, my appointment is Monday. I decided to use the newer friendship page feature on facebook to walk down memory lane with a certain boy. I knew it sounded like a terrible idea but I've been feeling really different this weekend. I'm definitely glad I did. It was nice to go back and see how good things could be. I wouldn't say it gave me a final sense of closure but it gave me much needed peace. Listening to Play It Cool Boy makes me feel like I'm coming home to my heart.

Relief Next To Me by Tegan And Sara

2011-01-27T23:37:00.002-05:00

I'm so scared of moving away from the amazing friends I've made in this town. Despite all of the easily dissolvable friendships I ran across in my early years of college, I managed to find some really strong ladies and a few very supportive guy friends. I wouldn't be lying if I said I have a different supportive friend for every day of the week, but that is a bit of a dramatization of my situation.

I found a new group to help me maintain my faith on campus and it's really nice to be around them. I haven't told them about my depression because I really like being seen as just myself by them. They think I'm worth getting to know and I don't want to ruin that. Plus I don't want to go through all of the "You're in my prayers." variations. I get more from the act of praying than the idea of prayer.

And when praying can't calm me down enough I rely on the power of science to end my worries. I had a particularly alarming health problem today. My mom thinks it might be an effect of my birth control but I find that highly unlikely, so I booked a terrifying appointment at the Health Center.

A Lack of Color by Death Cab for Cutie

2011-01-23T15:28:00.008-05:00

This is actually my favorite Death Cab song, it reminds me of riding the bus home alone, listening to it on my cd player sophomore year of high school. The song actually makes me think of the brown leather seats on the bus, complete with the smell and texture of it.

This past week has been extremely hard on me. I have so many anxieties about graduating in May and it is eating me up. I don't want May to come but I want a break from school but I don't want to move away. To top that off I have come to realize that I am constantly looking for him in crowds, at parties, on the road. It's gotten ridiculous. It feels like I'm just waiting for him. Crowds bring me so much anxiety now, I hate going out. I have no desire to do anything but come home after class.

I can't do this alone anymore. My depression has come back in almost all the same ways. I'm not "near-suicidal" but I'm not living my life anymore. I'm a ghost of a girl. Admitting my relapse wasn't as hard as the search for a new therapist will be, but I have a few really close friends and my family to support me while I'm searching. I didn't lose myself during my relationship. I lost myself in this break-up. I had a lot of help and support before but ultimately I chose to rebuild myself and that's what I have to do again.

I'm going to take up journal writing during therapy to make things more accessible and to keep my darkness off Libby. It's hard for me to stay quiet online but I have to tear down a few traits to rebuild myself. Kaitlyn told me it's my blog, I should say whatever I want to say. That's true, but I don't have any interests left to share and I don't feel like making mixtapes. I don't really feel like listening to music at all. I've basically reverted back to childhood cartoons and a steady stream of mindless consumption TV to stabilize what's left of me.

I won't be gone for good or for long. I may even be chatting about the women's rights movement soon if my Southern lit class indulges me. And if you see me crying in public, please don't bring attention to it, I'm working on that too.

Dog Problems by The Format

2011-01-20T12:47:00.004-05:00

I hate this feeling. I can't put my make-up on without having to fix it five minutes later. And this heaving feeling in my chest, why does it have to follow me around? I was so set after About a Boy to adopt a new outlook but I'm just a mess of contradictions.

I had strange dreams of him teasing me, woke up with a headache and somehow all that set off the memory filter so that I'm stuck remembering all these stupid wonderful things and it won't stop. It's a bitch. At the end of every memory I just feel empty.

I have to pick myself up. I can't go to class like this. I can't live my life like this.

Something To Talk About by Badly Drawn Boy

2011-01-19T22:10:00.005-05:00

About a Boy is a bit hard to translate to About a Girl, but I love it just the same. It's real nice to wallow in other people's problems, which is why I'd rather watch TV or a movie than listen to music and wallow in my own problems. I'm not real sure if the movie taught me this, but talking to him isn't gonna ease my situation. If it makes both of us become upset and sad more then once, then what is going to stop it from doing that again? I mean, it's kind of a pattern.

I still want a different result but I'm not gonna get it. No man is an island. I get it, I shouldn't try to create an island of loneliness either. I need to find stability.

Wait Up (Boots of Danger) by Tokyo Police Club

2011-01-18T16:52:00.002-05:00

A true sign of how tired I am from this weekend: I was waiting for a bus to come and I thought to myself: This weather is so gross I just want to order a pizza and go home to cuddle with my ~~boy~~ kitten.

I was so nervous about working this T.E.C. weekend. I was terrified of screwing up. Once I got there all that changed. My friends were so excited to see me and they kept me occupied the whole time. I mean technically I had the leadership position so I kept them busy with crafts and skit rehearsal and the customary things, but they kept all of my thoughts in the present. I love my TEC friends because they completely take away the boring everyday stuff from the conversation. We’re always joking and having fun, hugs are as common as high fives, and you're always bound to make a new close friend.

This weekend I knew most of my team but I was finally able to get close to the guys. It's hard for me to become close friends with the guys at TEC because the weekend seems to create this fuzzy line between friend and inappropriate crush. I can manage to see through the haze, but so many of those teenage boys can't, which can make things pretty awkward. This time though most of the guys on my team had girlfriends so everyone felt relaxed. Sometimes it seems good clean humor is hard to come by but at TEC we've got loads of it. I had a really good weekend with them and I will forever remember the pink gorilla and a certain friend in the bear costume that started the first dance party TEC has ever had.

It was strange coming back to Athens, knowing that 6 of them are here too. I'm looking forward to Monday nights and more TEC Tell Alls with Joe.

I Need Some Fine Wine, And You Need To Be Nicer by The Cardigans

2011-01-15T02:15:00.005-05:00

ICANNOTKEEPMYMOUTHSHUT.
AND
ANEVENINGSPENTATHOMEWITHALITTLEWINELEADSMETOSAYREALLYBLUNTTHINGS-
THATISHOULDNOTBESOBOLDTOSAY.

Sometimes we talk over dinner like old friends, 'till I go and kill the bottle.
I go off over any old thing. Break your heart and raise a glass or ten.

Paint the Silence by South

2011-01-12T22:53:00.003-05:00

If it had ended any other way would it still be this hard to resist talking to him? I can't control how much I miss him.

I really hope this semester doesn't start off with any more panic attacks.

Lovefool by The Cardigans

2011-01-12T01:53:00.004-05:00

A certain someone listened to the Best of Libellus mix. So I ventured back into the depths of this 250+ entry blog to re-examine the inspiration to the mix. There's a lot of me spread across this little website, spanning four years. Well, four different years. I've been so honest with myself here, possibly why I was so vague in certain posts. If I had been less vague I would have been wide open, towel dropped on the ground, bare.

There is a pretty bare eight months range. I tried so hard at first to not be corny and ridiculous in my relationship. I didn't want to drag my feelings out on Libby. I didn't want to sound stupid in "love." In like. In lust. Eventually in love. I held myself back from being ridiculously happy. I was scared. I wanted to have a conservative self image. I was a stupid lovefool. I've surely contradicted Libby these past few months, but I'm not sure how the girl who wrote all of Libby would react to my contradictions. She would have been surprised I had found happiness.

Writing drafts of things to say to him isn't helping. I haven't pulled my card yet for One Free Conversation. I hate this space I'm giving. I hate it so much more than contradicting myself over a boy or over my first boyfriend or over myself. I was too abstract in my ideas before. He wasn't just some boy, some boyfriend. I can't apply those old abstract ideas to my feelings any longer. I'm a lovefool.

Know By Heart by The American Analog Set

2011-01-10T15:33:00.006-05:00

If you can apply the seven stages of grief to any kind of loss, including a relationship, then I think I ran too fast into all seven and was forced back to Stage 1 Part 2: Denial. I know it's over. I spent the last week nauseated and sleepless because it was like cutting off a finger accepting that everything is over. I dragged myself through the driest desert. I lost sleep to avoid painful dreams of sweetness. I bitched out whenever I spoke. And then I just applied my thin veneer and hoped the application would dry quickly.

But now denial is waving her sultry hand my way. I don't want to lose him from my life. I looked in all the bad places to find out how he's doing. I hated what I found. But I still have this punchy stubborn feeling to want him back. I know what stubborn feels like, but this is a new kind of stubborn feeling for me: Stubborn + Action. I want to say something so badly. I'm willing to be daring. I hate daring - being bold? That has always scared me. I rarely want to submit to that daring adventure seeking side of myself. I keep writing drafts of a message to him in my head but I don't want to be rash. Even under this bold spell I don't want to say the wrong things.

Side note: When I say "like cutting a finger off" I really mean willingly sawing or cutting off your finger. Taking a knife and going through with it, anticipating all the pain of never having that finger again.

We Used To Be Friends by The Dandy Warhols

2011-01-09T17:01:00.003-05:00

A long time ago, we used to be friends, ~~but I haven't thought of you lately at all.~~

Cars and Telephones by Arcade Fire 2

2011-01-06T02:15:00.005-05:00

I was holding on to some small piece of hope. I was fooling myself. Yet every morning, or whenever I wake, I pray that he'll forget, that what happened won't hurt him anymore. I pray that this will go away.

With Veronica Mars I can just forget everything. I walk away from it snide and sassy but at least I'm talking. There's that stinging feeling every time the Dandy Warhols come on, but when the show moves on, so do I. It numbs me. I'm not the same, but I'm there. That's what you want, dearest family, for me to stay. I'm here, partly. Dearest friends, not so much. I have no desire to go out. I have no desire to talk. If you care to join me in mindless consumption of television, that would be lovely, but I'll disappoint you, no matter how low you put the bar.

I should have gone to bed, but I couldn't escape the internet. Not forever. Apparently I can't be numb forever either. It doesn't work like that? Well fuck. I hate this. Memory that needs to be repressed. I'll just wait until it's over.

Limousine by Brand New

2011-01-02T12:20:00.002-05:00

But can I get myself out from underneath,
This guilt that will crush me?
In the choir, I saw our sad Messiah
He was bored and tired of my laments
He said, "I died for you one time, but never again."

Talk To Me by Peaches

2011-01-01T17:51:00.002-05:00

Desire combined with any notion of longing and diminished hope is mercilessly unkind and cruel.

All These Things I've Done by The Killers

2010-12-26T03:58:00.004-05:00

I'll be honest: I had no Christmas spirit this year. It snowed in Georgia on Christmas Day, what more should I want? Not that. Christmas hasn't been a beloved holiday of mine for a while, mainly because I hate hearing the same Christmas songs over and over and over again. Never work in retail in December. It will crush your spirit. I've always tried to avoid the commercial aspect of the holiday and remember that it is the celebration of Christ's birth, but I get so frustrated and turned off by "Christmas Time" that I can hardly find it in my heart to be thankful. This year it has been really hard for me to see past my own personal problems.

This week I've been really tired and nauseous, which really adds to the Christmas cheer. Thankfully my grandpa and I have managed to sync our naps so that we're able to spend time together when we're awake. Getting sick and being around everyone else's healthy, happy selves hasn't done a thing for my mood.

I've found the solution to lonely depressed teens who are too obsessed with the feeling of pain in cutting to quit. Buy/rescue a cat and when it misbehaves try to punish it with a sink. Hello angry claws. Hello twisting cuts and hot burning feeling. Social awkwardness avoided. I'm sure you'll blossom into a healthy cat lady anyway.

Last night I couldn't sleep so I finished the book that I started before "bedtime." Fitz tried to cuddle all night to make up for tearing my skin open. He tried to cuddle with my neck which wasn't pleasant but his sleepy little face on my pillow was too sweet. I really miss cuddling...with people...especially since it's gotten so cold outside and there are all those grossly cute couples on TV. I hate all this "The Holidays are a special time..." business and do not look forward to hearing about any engagements when school starts back up.

I don't remember how I was so good at being single before. I still want all the things that come with relationships. I still want to snuggle and hold hands and kiss and share stories. I'm envious of every cute winter plans I hear. I would have been happy doing nothing exciting. Now I would be happy if time would speed up. I have nothing exciting to look forward to. I'm scared and stressed about graduating and making the right decisions. Right now I'm just looking forward to my family going home and finishing whatever work I have left so that I can spend the rest of my break sleeping. Sleeping in. Napping. Reading whole novels at night. Rinse and repeat.

I should cut TV out altogether. Things on TV remind me of all the things I had planned to do. Wear more short skirts. Hide cute notes. Learn how to cook a romantic meal. Learn how to make sweet drinks. Hold hands. Sleep in. Make breakfast for dinner. Hold late night dance parties in my underwear. Finish my cute mixtapes. Cuddle. Kiss in the snow. Get a kiss on New Years. What good does it do me to think of all of these things? Right it all down and save it for the next guy? That'll never happen. So how do I stop myself of remembering all these things? When will love songs not make me nauseous? Is there some drug out there that minimalizes emotions? Can I just cut down on the emotions, eat healthy, fake exercise, and avoid carbs, sodium, and sappy love songs?

Where's my copy of Bridget Jones's Diary? I should start there.

Wild Flowers by Ryan Adams

2010-12-24T02:42:00.004-05:00

I feel like I keep getting dumped over and over again.

I feel like I keep stepping up to be punched in the stomach. My heart races and tears try to fall out and it gets harder to breathe. I try to think about who I can turn to but I just fall forward and collapse. And then everything is warm memories and a pain in the way your heart beats.

When I get better, when I manage to pick myself back up, I become a moth and flutter back for more. My feelings are persistent. They don't have a bedtime. They don't have a preference for indoors or outdoors.

They lay in wait inside memories that mean the most. And I don't think they'll ever go away.

The Big Guns by Jenny Lewis With The Watson Twins

2010-12-23T23:04:00.003-05:00

I've never prayed this much about relationships or that part of my life before.

Other than the age old, Dear God, please don't let me die alone.
It's always a safe idea to add that to my prayers.

Hospital Beds by Cold War Kids

2010-12-23T00:33:00.003-05:00

I'm not going to amend what I said, but after thinking about it some more, I have to say that in matters of "the dark times" you can only say so much about it on your own. No body can really say what will happen if they have someone to go through it with together. People can say how they feel on their own, but it's different when you are working together with someone. If you really want something, you will share the burden and take as much as you can bear. And if you really care for someone you will work your hardest to defeat "the dark times."

The Calendar Hung Itself by Bright Eyes

2010-12-22T20:51:00.008-05:00

Do you remember that feeling you get when read a really good book or after watching an incredible movie? You walk in to it full of your own life problems and things to do and conversations to have but you leave feeling completely consumed. It happens after serious movies, like Seven Pounds, or those romantic comedies that weave a happy ending you could only dream of, like The Holiday.

I'm entranced. I'm consumed. Laurie Halse Anderson wrote the amazing book Speak, and after that miraculous book I am dedicated to reading anything she writes. So I picked up her 2009 piece, Wintergirls. I've never battled anorexia, which the book deals with, but I'm consumed by this girl Lia. Anderson's writing is raw and honest and unforgiving. I am drawn to books about these raw, honest, depressing to admit problems. E.R. Frank wrote the life altering book Wrecked, which specializes in how people cope after traumatic experiences, and after reading it I knew my writing had to have a purpose. I want to explain all those feelings people never talk about. I want a book to give someone hope.

I think my sick conditions have developed into a sinus infection, but I can't be sure because I couldn't get a doctor's appointment. The only medicine that helped was medicine that knocked me out. I woke up at five and my day had been wasted away. I missed an amazing Italian lunch at work. I missed the chance to work and make money. In all honesty, I know I'm not going to work for the money. My day had no productivity to it. I missed out on a chance to have fun with my friends and I had waited so long to see them. I decided to read but this book has latched on to the start of depressive feelings and is driving hooks into them.

I took a shower to clear my head but memories just surfaced in the clouds of steam. Hurtful memories. Thought provoking memories. The wrong kind of thoughts. Is it this house? Can I not escape my fears when I'm in this house?

There was this day in high school when all the girls in my group had boyfriends. There was this sudden pressure to get one if I wanted to fit in. Someone even made a comment that everyone had a boyfriend but me, and I should get one. Was I not already hoping for one?

The next day Sarah dumped her boyfriend. Within the week Red was single. I was so relieved. I had spent the past day rolling around their statement in my mouth. I was terrified that I would lose my friends to relationships, that with everyone coupled up I would be excluded. Judged and pitied until I found some dumb boy to partner up with. But the statement stuck with me.

Jillian needs to find a guy.
There's still so much about you that I love.
You look so cuddly.

These voices whisper to me through the steam. I try so hard to forget, but I clearly haven't mastered it. I can only stay in the shower so long before my fingers wrinkle.

Why can't I be stable? I used to think I needed prescription medicine for my depression. I feared it though, having to rely on a pill to find sanity. But I already do. My migraines rule over my life. If I don't take my pill in time, the migraine will consume me whole. Wrap itself tightly around my toes. Stretch over my chest. Play ping pong with the neurons in my head. It's just bad synapses. I don't need your made up logic to explain my pain. I just need this pill. Sanity. I even have to take a specific birth control pill because I'm so prone to migraines. My life is dictated by this pill. I'm always touching on this in my writing, but the responses signal that I'm alone in this terror/dependency on a little white pill.

I thought talking to this boy would make me happy. I thought if I just controlled everything I said I could make myself desirable again. But I'm too fucking honest. I can't control myself around him. I can restrain myself, sure, but I can't hide the truth. I'm not a person you can rely on to pull you out of the darkness. I am prone to it, I am inept. I slip and fall in puddles of insecurity. My sanity is a mirage created by little white pills.

Talking to a boy still makes me doubt myself. I think back to when I was his and I remember that belonging to someone made me feel so content. But I still had to take little white pills to find sanity. I always will. I write best when I'm clinging on to the thinning threads of sanity. That's why I want to be a writer, to expose the threads and find the switch that drops down a thick rope of sanity.

I can't hold on to these thoughts. I can't let them dwell in my bones. Maybe I've made enough progress to exempt me from seeing a therapist, but I still have to let it out. And once it's out I can look at cute pictures of kittens and eat delicious grandma made cookies.

Cars and Telephones by Arcade Fire

2010-12-21T00:32:00.003-05:00

I don't want to rush into a bad situation, but I want to see him again.

I finagled a filing job for over break with a decent pay. More than minimum wage. I'm pretty efficient at filing, probably because I enjoy it so much. I only have to work as many days as I have work left and I can choose which days I come in. Originally I was aiming to work into January, but I was concerned I would finish too early. Now I don't know if I can pace myself.

It's been much more normal talking to him these past few days, and that made seeing him less difficult. When I'm able to talk to him I am much better at forgetting the situation I'm in and I can just move through life much easier. Time moves faster for me.

This song takes far too long to get to the good part:

But fuck it, I love you no less
I'm going to feel like shit
By the time I get to you
Now the sky is turning blue
The stars, they disappear
One by one with daylight, dear
And yes, you're in my head
But that doesn't make you here
And I've lost all my friends
But you're the one I miss the most
And now I'm almost there
Yeah, I'm almost to the coast
And if I had any notion
Of how to drive my car across the Atlantic Ocean
I'd be fucking set

Merry Happy by Kate Nash

2010-12-19T02:33:00.001-05:00

As of now it appears I will not be working any hours this break. Please occupy my hours before I take a hike so long I end up in North Carolina.

Southern Belle by Elliott Smith

2010-12-18T02:51:00.006-05:00

Leslie and I had a really nice talk about grad school tonight. She opened my eyes up to the possibility of studying in England or in Ireland. There are some grad schools there that have a one year program. That would be a wonderful experience for me to open up my writing and explore new territory in my writing. It wouldn't be so hard to be away from my family and Fitz for one year as opposed to two or three when the opportunity allows me to gain so much.

At the same time I have to keep Fitz in mind. I would really rather stay in the South for grad school because I'd rather live in this climate than say in the Midwest's, but I'm open to change. Teaching a class or two for free tuition wouldn't be so bad either. I think I might enjoy teaching college English in a year or two. There are ways to make that fun.

Leslie also helped me examine who I am right now. I had a lot of trouble answering her questions, but I think I'm in the process of changing my perception of myself. Before I thought that no one could or would think highly of my writing, that I was persuing a useless major and I was going to end up lost on some side street again. I kept making future plans for myself without putting myself on the path for those plans. Going to Grad School for Creative Writing makes me scared shitless, but I'm okay with that. I'm swallowing this idea that I should let myself focus on my writing and see how far it can take me.

When it comes to the future I keep saying I don't know enough about myself or the situation to say where I'll be in ten years. But I've known all along that there are some undeniable truths about myself that I can't escape: Fitz and I will be living in a place that gets minimal snow; I will be writing, hopefully published, and if not I will be calling up all my connections to get published; I will still give blood at least once a year; I will find some way to give back to the community and be highly involved with that service, probably involving children; I will be making mix tapes of future music combined with the best of the past; I will own a fake Christmas tree with tons of homemade ornaments; I will still sing the most outrageous lyrics in the car; I will own a giant bookshelf and a large photo collection; and I will hold secret dance parties in my underwear late late at night and early in the morning before work.

Dreams by The Cranberries

2010-12-16T01:45:00.003-05:00

Thankfully my mom is going to be fine but I'm nearly packed for home already. She slipped on the ice and I thought she might have broken her hip but thankfully it's just bruised. I was so scared when my Dad called me about it tonight. All I wanted to do was to go home and take care of her. Every time I've called her struggling with my current predicament, she's been nothing but supportive. She even came up over the weekend when I really needed her and bought me soup, played with my hair, and watched a silly movie with me. She even tried to buy me clothes to cheer me up. All I want to do is do the same for her.

I think that's something that's been really hard for me. My parents taught me to work hard for what I want and to not give up on what I love. All I want is to problem solve and fix things. But that is really hard to do when you're trying to give someone space and when you're trying to take some space. I need time but I want time to move faster for me.

Still, when everything happened with Fitz this week and then with my mom I just wanted to talk to him about it. That's to be expected. It just takes so much resistance to not try talking to him at night.

Hold My Head Above the Water by Quiet Company

2010-12-15T03:12:00.003-05:00

This song reminds me of Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros except textually it's much more simple. I know it's sung between a guy and a girl and there's the mentioning of love, but it makes me think mostly of Kaitlyn. No matter what I babble about she keeps offering to listen. She was this positive light when my depression made everything a darker shade and then she just continuously proved to be a good friend. I thought about it last night, and I think Kaitlyn might have given me the best mixes in my collection.

Nadia has been amazing and her voicemail has been my saving grace, but I can't describe our friendship with this song. It's not the right rhythm. She'd want something more upbeat. Something we could dance to. Something that didn't make her partly sad.

I've been thinking about songs and people and mixes a lot lately. The Best of Libellus was a really good Christmas present. It meant so much when I got it that at the time it helped foster feelings. I was thinking though, have I been present enough this past year to compile a second mix? Have I said anything worthwhile? I have seventeen days and how many tracks left?

Stupid by The Long Winters

2010-12-14T12:53:00.002-05:00

I've been so proud of myself for all of this strength I've found in myself. Friends provide supportive words but those words aren't holding your hands back late late at night.

I've considered it this great challenge that I can see he was online and not say anything. I haven't tried calling him. I haven't even tried texting him. Not even through the worst of it. We both need space. I've been trying to give it to him. At the same time, I can't stop blogging or tweeting. I just have all these words I want to tell the universe. Private thoughts that I don't want to hold on to. I've been praying about the rest. It feels so good to pray.

He changed his g-chat photo to this jerk looking picture and it upset me so much because he looks like a jerk in it. So I thought about why it upset me and I decided to change mine. I "updated" it; I mean the picture was so old.

And what happened next? He blocked me on g-chat. I don't care if he knows that I know. It makes me even more proud of myself. I could resist talking to him and I didn't have an urge so strong that I had to block him, but he blocked me.

I'm not going to let my dreams haunt me. I'm not going to spend my whole break feeling bad about myself and playing 'What If.' I'm going to do most everything I had planned to do.