A certain someone listened to the Best of Libellus mix. So I ventured back into the depths of this 250+ entry blog to re-examine the inspiration to the mix. There's a lot of me spread across this little website, spanning four years. Well, four different years. I've been so honest with myself here, possibly why I was so vague in certain posts. If I had been less vague I would have been wide open, towel dropped on the ground, bare. There is a pretty bare eight months range. I tried so hard at first to not be corny and ridiculous in my relationship. I didn't want to drag my feelings out on Libby. I didn't want to sound stupid in "love." In like. In lust. Eventually in love. I held myself back from being ridiculously happy. I was scared. I wanted to have a conservative self image. I was a stupid lovefool. I've surely contradicted Libby these past few months, but I'm not sure how the girl who wrote all of Libby would react to my contradictions. She would have been surprised I had found happiness. Writing drafts of things to say to him isn't helping. I haven't pulled my card yet for One Free Conversation. I hate this space I'm giving. I hate it so much more than contradicting myself over a guy or over my first boyfriend or over myself. I was too abstract in my ideas before. He wasn't just some guy, some boyfriend. I can't apply those old abstract ideas to my feelings any longer. I'm a lovefool.

Labels: We used to be friends.