I'll be honest: I had no Christmas spirit this year. It snowed in Georgia on Christmas Day, what more should I want? Not that. Christmas hasn't been a beloved holiday of mine for a while, mainly because I hate hearing the same Christmas songs over and over and over again. Never work in retail in December. It will crush your spirit. I've always tried to avoid the commercial aspect of the holiday and remember that it is the celebration of Christ's birth, but I get so frustrated and turned off by "Christmas Time" that I can hardly find it in my heart to be thankful. This year it has been really hard for me to see past my own personal problems.

This week I've been really tired and nauseous, which really adds to the Christmas cheer. Thankfully my grandpa and I have managed to sync our naps so that we're able to spend time together when we're awake. Getting sick and being around everyone else's healthy, happy selves hasn't done a thing for my mood.

I've found the solution to lonely depressed teens who are too obsessed with the feeling of pain in cutting to quit. Buy/rescue a cat and when it misbehaves try to punish it with a sink. Hello angry claws. Hello twisting cuts and hot burning feeling. Social awkwardness avoided. I'm sure you'll blossom into a healthy cat lady anyway.

Last night I couldn't sleep so I finished the book that I started before "bedtime." Fitz tried to cuddle all night to make up for tearing my skin open. He tried to cuddle with my neck which wasn't pleasant but his sleepy little face on my pillow was too sweet. I really miss cuddling...with people...especially since it's gotten so cold outside and there are all those grossly cute couples on TV. I hate all this "The Holidays are a special time..." business and do not look forward to hearing about any engagements when school starts back up.

I don't remember how I was so good at being single before. I still want all the things that come with relationships. I still want to snuggle and hold hands and kiss and share stories. I'm envious of every cute winter plans I hear. I would have been happy doing nothing exciting. Now I would be happy if time would speed up. I have nothing exciting to look forward to. I'm scared and stressed about graduating and making the right decisions. Right now I'm just looking forward to my family going home and finishing whatever work I have left so that I can spend the rest of my break sleeping. Sleeping in. Napping. Reading whole novels at night. Rinse and repeat.

I should cut TV out altogether. Things on TV remind me of all the things I had planned to do. Wear more short skirts. Hide cute notes. Learn how to cook a romantic meal. Learn how to make sweet drinks. Hold hands. Sleep in. Make breakfast for dinner. Hold late night dance parties in my underwear. Finish my cute mixtapes. Cuddle. Kiss in the snow. Get a kiss on New Years. What good does it do me to think of all of these things? Write it all down and save it for the next guy? That'll never happen. So how do I stop myself from remembering all these things? When will love songs not make me nauseous? Is there some drug out there that minimalizes emotions? Can I just cut down on the emotions, eat healthy, fake exercise, and avoid carbs, sodium, and sappy love songs?

Where's my copy of Bridget Jones's Diary? I should start there.