Okay Grandpa, back off. I had no idea you were going to be staying all week. You may be used to being accommodated by everyone else but I can't drop everything for you. I came home to spend time with my family instead of staying to celebrate with my fellow graduates in Athens. I've been here for four days and if you're still here next week, I'll see you then too. Drop that rude attitude and don't try and tell me I'm not giving you a straight answer. I did, three times, the same answer. Dad had planned to move my furniture out of Athens next weekend, and I have things I need to pack up before he can do that. Yes I will be moving in to Summer's place as soon as it is finished being painted. And so what if I do want to see my friends this week and hang out with them? Georgia is a lot hotter than Michigan and will only get hotter. Excuse me for wanting to take advantage of an unusual cool front.

And further more, irritating me is not really encouraging me to go up to Michigan for your surprise birthday party. I love you, but you don't know everything that is going on or how hard it is to stay here with you here. Blame mom, but don't get mad at me.

So basically my mom was glad I chose to stay in Johns Creek until today so that I could hang out with my grandparents, but now she doesn't want me to spend the rest of the week in Athens because I should come back and hang out with my grandparents. I know she wants me to "spend time with them" but it feels like I'm baby-sitting them. She told me they were coming for my graduation, she didn't tell me they would be living with her for like two weeks. I'm sorry if I made plans to do things in Athens for a week before I moved in with Summer, but I don't want to wait until they leave, which could be June at this point. I don't think it's all that selfish. You need to tell them the truth instead of lying to them and avoiding it. Until you do, I don't want to be walking around here like a co-conspirator. And to be honest, I don't want to be here when you do tell them. I am tired of seeing conservative values and lies tear apart my family.

Well my family is in no immediate physical danger, but there is a new situation that stands to change my family. I guess it has already changed my family, but there is a lot more change coming. I wanted to go back to Athens immediately tomorrow but I think my family needs me. There are bills I have to make sure get paid but I'm beginning to think this is a situation where my family comes first. I guess this is a really good time for me to move back home (well, close to home). God has a purpose for everything.

I really want to talk to someone who knows me well about this all but I'm not sure who I can tell now, if I should tell even my closest friends. Right now I need support because I have no idea how to take this. Deep inside, I wonder if I should know how to handle this because of my beliefs, and then I wonder what my beliefs really are. I wish there was someone who knew my heart and could tell me the truth about what lies there, even when emotions and drama cloud over it. I could really use a warm embrace. I want a hug that makes me feel like I am secure and I'm not going anywhere and I have someone who can help support me.

Reasons why I could never be a model:

1. I lack grace.
2. This morning I hit my head getting into the car and fell backwards. Translation: I would never have a graceful red carpet moment. I would also probably have a lot of mini concussions, terrible for walking down the runway with.
3. While hugging my church friend today, we twirled and I tripped on uneven ground, taking her down with me. We both sustained multiple injuries. And I was wearing flats. Translation: Put me in heels on a Runway and I will ruin your show by taking all the models down with me.

I am sure you can compile a much longer list of "funny" reasons why I can't model/be famous. Making this little list is one of the few things I can do today to stay calm. I think something might be wrong with my mom but my parents & sister won't tell me until later. I've been waiting since 11am to find out. I am trying to act like I don't know anything is wrong because they don't want to tell my grandparents but I have the most disastrous imagination. I have been worried all day.

Today has been a day internally ruined by the internet. When I am happy and celebrating something great and trying to enjoy life I should really just avoid the internet. I am not ready to see shit like that. I hate feeling jealous and I hate how jealousy makes me feel like a worse person. I’ve been holding a lot in lately, but I can’t pretend to not feel something.

Labels: pissed

And since I like to discuss relationships and the effect people have on one another let's bring up nice guys. Why the hell can I attract nice guys when I don't even want to attract goldfish? Do they sense the fear and the uncertainty and the effort to be single and decide they would like to fix that? I've had this bizarre history with nice guys in college. Sometimes drinking can give them that extra edge to be pushy and give me a reason to hate them and sometimes drinking can only make them nicer. Can nice guys smell nice girls like honeysuckle? Is there some kind of effort being made by the universe for nice guys and nice girls to be together? (Something was definitely up with the universe last night because I saw all three of the guys who have actively liked me this semester downtown.)

Saturday night I went out with some friends for my friend Amy's birthday. Her one friend was very nice and really attractive but not my type at all. No matter how distant or attentive I was to the group he continued to get nicer and nicer to me until a blind girl could have told me he liked me. It was flattering but slightly discomforting because I don't really know how to politely reject a guy who has been nothing but kind and nice. Usually I just wait for the sign that things are about to go too far and then I either politely run the hell away or I speak up.

What sucks even more about trying to be single and not being interested in a nice guy is when he notices the things about you that you really want people to see. We had a really nice drunk conversation about my tattoo and my scars. We compared scar stories and he wasn't trying to be that guy who shows off his scars to impress the girls. I like recalling the memories that my scars remind me of. For instance, I still have two slight indentations on my arms from when I was scratched by the kittens I helped raise in my mom's office the summer after sixth grade. And it was like that for him. So why do I hit it off with guys I'm not interested in? There needs to be a warning given to guys upon initial attraction to me that I will only break your heart and fuck you up. I need time to finish figuring myself out and how I'm supposed to control myself and still find happiness.

I am finally finished with college!!!! A few years ago I went through a really hard time in my life and was offered the chance to take a break from school. That felt like the moment I stopped trying. I hated college. I hated the person it had made me. I hated being so overwhelmed by opportunities and yet being so damn dormant. What I knew was I wanted to finish college as soon as I could.

Now that its over I honestly don't regret not taking that break. I faced the hell that I had constructed for myself and I became much stronger for it. Even if it felt impossible to even breathe for days in a row. I pulled a whole 180 from spending years thinking a girl didn't have to always be in a relationship to be happy to thinking that I would only be happy again if I was with that one person. Every day being alone was like trying to breathe under water. But it was through that paranoia and self hatred that I was able to see clearly what I didn't like about myself.

I've started watching The L Word and have formed an appreciation for the character Jenny, who is also a writer. There's this one scene where Shane explains Jenny's actions by saying, "She's a writer." I have to go back and find that instance, because it was everything I ever needed to hear. It was something insightful that only a few people could ever say about me, Jenn or Lindsay or Leslie or maybe even Sarah and Red. Just the idea that no matter how normal things seem, there is always a powerful imagination working behind the scenes to create something else. Sometimes, especially when combined with a migraine eruption, it feels as if I've become so insane there's no turning back. I've changed my writing style, I've changed my medium, but writing is still this thrilling and puzzling experience that can consume me whole. I never wanted to go back to college until I found a teacher who helped me contain and reform my writing into something worth sharing. I want to find more teachers who can help me harness and control my ideas.