The moment I said it, the moment I opened my mouth.

Imogen must secretly know me. (We are twitter friends now.)

It's funny how committed I am to doing my latin homework, yet I haven't really started it at all. I'm going to passionately fail my first test in there, and people who hear me speak about my love of Cicero will be flustered as to why I suck so badly. Quae cum ita sint, Catelina, perge quo coepisti, egredere aliquando ex urbe, patente porte, proficiscere!

Meanwhile I sit here watching my recycling build up, throwing chocolate chips down my throat like cough drops, and marveling over my hair. Vain, yes I know, but I washed it and straightened it and then went to work and had to wear it up and wear a hat over it all night and it still looks good. Going downtown good, I'd say. Coincidentally, since I am pissed.

I called Nadia & Nancy is over and they're playing dress up and taking pictures to prove it. Why am I here in Athens, and not Kennesaw? I really need to see these imitations of frumpy grandma, lovechild, eleven year old, etc. I need this like now, kthanx.

If most people fade to gray and black, you fade to light blue.
-B.B.F. by Nada Surf

Did you know I missed you? I missed you.
-Konstantine by Something Corporate

My music keeps telling me things today.

My roommate read my blog last night. Past to present, all 88 forever ago posts. Whoa.

I thought I had this great idea for an old story, and I wrote all kinds of ideas for it in my little notebook. Then I realized it was all too sad to follow through with. I want real life but I want happy endings. I want real life to work it out.

I want to be more happy with myself right now and less upset about something I'm too stubborn to change.

There's this British guy in my History of Rock music class & break out class. He likes a good eclectic range of music and told us that he can't play any instruments, he tried to learn the guitar but was no good at it. He said everything like he was extremely relaxed with saying it, as if admitting a weakness was like saying if it was cloudy or sunny out. No biggie. Hot accent aside, I've got something to learn from this kid.

I've started having dreams about every boy I've ever liked. Its weird.
But kinda entertaining.

Oh yeah, M says she's moving out. Soon.
I think we all know how I feel.

Life has been very hectic lately. I feel like I've put myself through a lot of nonsense, but I also feel like I'm finally putting myself out there. Maybe it's not that hard to fight the shy bug. This past weekend I went to Helen with some sorority girls that I barely knew. It was so much fun and if i hadn't gone, if I hadn't put myself out there, I'd have missed some really memorable moments and new friends. This whole past week I've been pushing myself to be more sociable, get out of my damn apartment and LIVE. Meet new people. Joke with strangers. Bond over good music.

I kinda owe most of it to Nicki, for being my crutch, for inviting me to radio station meetings, to her apartment for the office and cookie dough, to live with her next year. I hope it works out between us. I could use a place to go.

The first time I heard Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol I was shoe shopping with my mom. I had already picked out two new pairs and was waiting for my mother. I was waiting, and waiting, and waiting, and then this song came on. No matter how many times the radio plays it, I always think of that moment, waiting for life to move on and not doing a single thing about it. And then I couldn't wait any longer.

Dear God,
I've been acting like a fool and feeling like an idiot. Where are you?
Love,
Jillian

So basically I am throwing my "I won't use this to bitch" comment to the wind.

Dove Chocolate.
It's tasty. It's delicious. And hey, they even give you a little inspirational message. How nice of them. That is until they begin to screw with your life. Get ready, I'm about to turn really psychotic now.

I like(d) someone I'm not supposed to like. So this whole event occurs around the time that I decided it wasn't just not okay to like him, but that I just had to get over it, all of it. You see, I can't just get over things. I think I'm well done and over and I put it through my head to not go back and guess what happens. Something causes my heart to flutter and all at once I know I'm back to that place. Back to liking someone who things wouldn't work out with.

I ate a lot of Dove Chocolate and found myself reading messages like, "Tell someone a secret," and "Follow your heart," or "Be true to your heart." Something positively pathetic like that.

But no, I held on to my feelings. Screw you Dove chocolate, you give the worst advice.

[EDIT: I removed basically the whole story from the middle. It was so pathetic I had to get rid of it. So that's why it looks empty and flows awfully.]

Labels: dating, inappropriate crushes, ramblings

It has come to my attention that I write a bitch-fit ranting blog. Cool. Great.
I have these great blog ideas about love and life but I have so much going on that I don't have time to write them out or finish thinking them up.
That just leaves room to bitch.
< bitch >It's cold, I'm too tired. < /END bitch >

Note to Self: Flight of the Conchords will almost always make you smile and feel better.
"Two minutes in heaven is better than one minute in heaven."

Hello Blog.

So in the past two days things in the real world, and the fake imaginary one in my head, have become more clear. You may not have gotten the memo, but this week is the time to reject me, if you'd like to. The rejection list has been growing in size over the past few days and has become an actual list. My washer, the bottom button on my pea coat, my student ID, and my car insurance are just a few of my rejectors.

Notice: If you do reject me and then decide to regret it, my washer has already been the first to call a take back.

Hi,

I just called State Farm to try to fight the claim that girl made that you hit. They said it didn't matter. Just the fact that you were backing out, they consider it your fault. The driver driving straight always has the right of way, even when they see you backing up and they keep on going. It's your responsibility not to hit these idiots. I think that is not right at all. Now you have no discount for accident free and they charge extra for 3 years for that. So not only did we lose the good student discount, now we lost the accident free, plus next year you turn 21, so you'll lose the $120 discount or whatever that was for the driver's ed, unless you take another class, (nothing like the other one - very mini version) and your insurance will go up even more. Right now, your insurance is over $1100 every 6 months. They paid out over $1200 for her car to get fixed. Really irks me! Anyway, you're going to have to help out with your insurance. If you give us even $200 towards it, that would be fine.

Well, have to go.

Love you,
Mom

Although girls love to compare relationships in conversation, when you get down to it, no two relationships are the same. There's always at least one significant difference, and that difference is what generally makes or breaks the relationship.

All of my friends are currently in different relationships. One has a much older boyfriend, who has a son. One is still together with her high school boyfriend, but things aren't like high school with them any more. I have a friend who just wants to date a boy without the awkward beginning, and a friend who savors the awkward beginnings. Some sleep with their exes, some sleep with the guys they're "just dating." Some want to crush their exes and some just want to forget their pasts.

Then there's me. I just screw myself up. Do you remember when in middle school, if a boy was particularly mean to a girl it was generally because he liked her? For most of my early childhood in Herndon things were reversed. Girls were mean or shy or avoided the boys they liked and the boys had no idea what a girl's problem was. My roommate let me borrow High Fidelity by Nick Hornby and it has opened my eyes a bit to the other side of the spectrum.

Some how I have managed to take my shyness with me through out all of the stages of development. I avoid anyone I have the potential to like because I'm horribly shy around the guys I like. Let's be honest, I'm horribly shy around all new people. It's something I've tried to get over but lingers in the moment anyway.

Kiss Me by Sixpence None The Richer comes on and I think of my friend who just wants a guy to date. The song paints a fairly clear picture of two people on a date. It's a fairly romantic date and I wonder, has anyone tried to recreate this date? That would be really cool.
The song also reminds me that I haven't had a really good kiss in a long time. That'd make a pretty good entry, not my pathetic love life, but what constitutes a good kiss. Yeah, that will definitely need its own entry because you could take that pretty far if you dare and because I never know how far I'll dare to go.

L. gave me another really good blog idea, but it deserves it's own entry as well, so it will come later. Kiss Me will be a good tool to expand L.'s idea that the L-word is a control mechanism. Leigh Nash definitely has the control in this song, as she orders her lover around left and right. Kiss me, lead me, swing me on this tire swing, strike up the band. She wants a lot.

What do you want? What do I want?
A good date? Someone to date? A second chance? A new romance? A good kiss?

Puppy love has to be one of the purest forms of love. Not "puppy love" but the love from a puppy.

Charlotte has been awfully cuddly lately. Like when I got back to my parents house after New Years and went to bed at 8 at night, she snuck into my room around 8:30 and cuddled, and in the morning she was still on the bed. After my nap today I woke up to her watching me. Then tonight we're the last two up watching TV on the couch and she comes over to cuddle, which she never does with me on the couch, and her little face was wet with tears. Its confusing cause dogs don't talk, but she is such an emotional little dog. Just like me.

I'm going back to Athens tomorrow and if my camera doesn't show up I am going to crack, dognap Charlotte, and drive back to Athens in a mood.

Does Ellen Page only pick a certain type of part? I just watched Smart People and that's the feeling I got.

A little bit more of redhead fury for today:
I said it before and I will say it again, people have choices and you can not make those choices for them. If you really think you can claim my bed at "the next party," you have another fist coming.

To quote one of my role models, AS IF!

I have come to realize that my common sense is actually one of the best ways to be true to myself. In the past I've done few questionable things and the only reason the number is so low is because I can usually trust myself to know when something isn't right for me. Or someone.

I was recently reminded of what it's like to have the expectation to like somebody. To be most honest, I never once said that I liked anybody. But because of an unspoken claim, I was the center of certain attention the past few days. I forgot how territorial some guys can get, and being at a party with those guys reminded me of something. It fucking PISSES ME OFF when some guy who barely knows you or thinks he knows you well, treats you like a possession or something that belongs to him and does not treat you as an individual and as a person and as someone who can decide who they do and do not want to be with on their own. You cannot make somebody like you! Don't expect that because you're good looking or charming or rich or intelligent that somebody else will always want to be with you. There is a choice and that is not how you get your party to win.

I don't want to stay negative so I'm gonna just stop now and go watch my Sundance Film Festival winning movie and let go.

The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt?
The worst enemy is common sense.
Common sense kills dreaming and hoping.
I could have been happy thinking nonsense.
Maybe I'd have been happy for a few more days.

New Post. New Year. New Moon.
Pg. 219 - 1st paragraph.

It's a side note in my story ideas notebook. Lindsey brought it to my attention via text.

I have my fb inbox open and I have a reply message typed...but I don't know if I want to send it. Its just sitting there. If I send it do I sound interested? Am I interested? Do I want to be interested?

My dilemma, transcribed from the back of a hard sudoku, as decided this afternoon:
I grew up crushing on boys who I thought were the cutest non-jerks, never paying attention to the normal or potentially dorky boys. Now, finally, I know I never stood a chance with the gorgeous in youth. But now its the kinda ordinary, slightly odd ones that really hold my attention. But its good looking blondes who've started showing up. I like quirky. I love musicians. But it feels like cute blondes who would have made my day years before are all too late. I don't want to betray myself with vanity but I want to be true to my heart.

But at the end of the day compliments sound nice. And hearing that someone nice likes you feels nice too. Hmmm....nice. Is that the problem?
Is it so bad to find improper grammar a turnoff? I know its all wrong for me and that's it I guess.