If my life were a rom com, there would be no one in the audience yelling at me things like "he's the one" or "you're so blind, you two are clearly meant for each other!"  Sometimes I'm not sure I'm even the main character.  I'm somewhere between 'keeping an open mind' and 'having fun' (which we all know means wasting time and wishing there was something else).  There are no rom com worthy guys.  I don't know if these guys are even b line characters.

This week I was reminded of just how bad it is out there (in the dating world, in the real world, in the life of women everywhere).  A man came to my work with the sole purpose of seeing me and thusly boring my brains out and draining the cheer from my day.  The first day he stopped to talk to me he disgusted me so badly that I workshopped the experience into a poem about the antiquated idea of a ring making you someone else's property.  He was so obsessed with the idea that I had to have one, four carats, or else never be happy.  He showed up the following day to prove to me just how right I had been in my first impression of him.  Claiming to be so good at reading people (I must be such a positive person because I have such a cheerful voice at my job), this asshole read and ignored every sign that I was not interested in him or in further carrying on a conversation with him.

After I escaped his audience, I adjusted my attitude so as to be 100% less inviting for strangers to come and tell me 99 reasons why they think they are so sexy*. I apparently adjusted my attitude too far to the unpleasant because within an hour another stranger came and invaded my personal space.  I guess my voice was drained of all sincerity when I told him to have a good day, because he turned around, came into my space, and hugged me.  After telling me that I "clearly could use a hug" he gave me no time to disagree and I was literally backed into a corner and could not escape. At work.

It is infuriating to be told how you should act, what you should think, what your relationships should be like, trashed on for having opinions and to be touched without asking.  All while at work.  Don't tell me to smile.  Don't fuck with my time.  Don't fuck with me.

There's this one coworker that I'm friends with who appears to like me.  I'm not a flirt, I have the worst luck even trying to flirt, but I also can't tell when anyone is subtly flirting with me.  It took a third person to confirm how obvious it is that he likes me.  Asks about me.  Says nice things about me.  So I've just kept an open mind and continued to be friendly with him. I have no interest in playing games or leading him on.  I don't see him as more than a friend and coworker.  In all honesty though, if he asked me out, I would probably say yes.  A date's just a date.  See if you have things in common, see if there's a spark, laugh and tell an awkward story if there's not.  But with so many guys developing an aggressive attitude about dating, it's really fucking nice to be respected and not to be pressured into listening to an autobiography or to give out your (fake) number.

Be respectful. Treat others how you want to be treated, or how you would want to be treated, if the
roles were reversed.  Being single isn't the worse thing out there.  If your current dating options mean settling, being manipulated or controlled, respect yourself and choose you.

*Yes, guy # 1 wasn't getting anywhere paying me compliments, so he started talking himself up.  He referred to himself as sexy three times. 

Labels: dating, men are assholes, righteous indignation, rom com love theories, work stories

I want to cut off my hair and get real ugly. No make-up, just perfect hair. I had perfect hair again today.

I met some girls tonight who are the tan obsessed type. Not the always ridiculously tan type, but the type that wants to have some color all year long. Melissa and I prized our pale skin. One of these new girls told me that I had a good complexion, for being pale, and that it worked on me. She would be happy to see that same pale color next summer, after I spend the winter wearing sweatshirts and socks and boots and colored tights and tons of layers.

Girls say being single is a good thing, you can do all the things you couldn't and you can go on a kissing spree kissing tons of new boys. I've already done that, I don't want to go back to that. I found what I want and it was never limiting. I was happy.

Mom says to listen to happy music to cheer me up. I know Lindsay would tell me to stay away from the Rilo Kiley. It pains my heart to even think about listening to Rilo Kiley, but I can't relate to happy music. I tried to find loud angry music, but I don't really have that. I burst out crying at the beginning of 99 Problems, so that will take some time to get back to. I couldn't get myself back into Camera Obscura for a long while but it felt perfect this afternoon.

People say to take time. Don't talk. Let things simmer and give people time to think about what's happened from a different frame of mind. But I can't stay silent. And I'd hate to become one of those sad girls who tells the internet all of her problems, but I don't give a shit as long as I have perfect hair.

Labels: Camera Obscura, dating, dating advice, fuck silence, hair cuts, pale, pale girls rule, perfect hair, Rilo Kiley

Dear God,
I've been acting like a fool and feeling like an idiot. Where are you?
Love,
Jillian

So basically I am throwing my "I won't use this to bitch" comment to the wind.

Dove Chocolate.
It's tasty. It's delicious. And hey, they even give you a little inspirational message. How nice of them. That is until they begin to screw with your life. Get ready, I'm about to turn really psychotic now.

I like(d) someone I'm not supposed to like. So this whole event occurs around the time that I decided it wasn't just not okay to like him, but that I just had to get over it, all of it. You see, I can't just get over things. I think I'm well done and over and I put it through my head to not go back and guess what happens. Something causes my heart to flutter and all at once I know I'm back to that place. Back to liking someone who things wouldn't work out with.

I ate a lot of Dove Chocolate and found myself reading messages like, "Tell someone a secret," and "Follow your heart," or "Be true to your heart." Something positively pathetic like that.

But no, I held on to my feelings. Screw you Dove chocolate, you give the worst advice.

[EDIT: I removed basically the whole story from the middle. It was so pathetic I had to get rid of it. So that's why it looks empty and flows awfully.]

Labels: dating, inappropriate crushes, ramblings