My walks in the country have brought out a flush of color - a new layer of freckles on my arms and a reflection of the sun itself in my hair.  My hair is so close to turning a deeper shade of red, except that it's also turning blonde.  Strawberry blonde - so sweet and bright and light.   The shade and the length and the spring sun have me feeling like an oversized child.  Not a literal child, mind you.

It's weird, feeling almost, already, so close to 30 and looking so close to 20. I want to cut my hair and feel my age.  I want to get my life back on track.  Except no one wants to feel old, and I love long hair in the summer.  I want to fan it out in the sun and charge it up.  I want to braid it down my back in romantic twists and feel the sun soft on my skin.

I used to dream of a summer boy. Someone who would blare The Killers and Kings of Leon but also sit in hammocks reading Youth in Revolt with me.  Someone who would take me on adventures picking berries and riding roller coasters, swigging wine and hiking the woods.  Someone who kept things light and fun, but came from far away and knew I would not follow.  And then in August when the thought of fall would send shivers down our spines, we would shed our summer skins and part ways.


The crush I have is deepening, but with no hope for happiness.  He's leaving at the beginning of the summer and I've grown up enough to know I don't want to start something just to lose it.  I am well aware of how little I have keeping me here, but still, I'm not the type to follow.

Labels: country life, inappropriate crushes, mixtapes for falling in love, someday you will be loved, spring

Horrible men are everywhere now, but there is hope.  There are the few that have become a breath of fresh air.  I have a crush. I have a crush! I am a teenage girl all over again because crushes are dumb, but I still have one.

Remember how crushes are horrible monsters because they build unattainable hopes? Yeah, that's still true.  There's every chance in the world that this will slip by me and if it does it will pretty much be all my fault because I can't act on it.  Well. I mean, not now.

Also, why do crushes exist if they make your life so miserable?  One minute I'm so thankful for the kindness of strangers and the next I'm giddy and I've lost all ability to play it cool and I just have to subject myself to whatever embarrassing word vomit is coming out of my mouth.

Is there an age when crushes aren't ridiculous?  Is that limit an age or level of maturity or is it a whole the limit does not exist Mean Girls reference?

Labels: inappropriate crushes, Mean Girls, swooning

Temptation, why is it haunting me so badly? Well maybe because a - I welcome it and b - I am prone to it. I feel like I've wasted the whole day. I still have to write two 2 page papers for class tomorrow. It is 3:13 am. They are due at 9:05. Did I mention I'm taking a test right after I turn them in? I'm a little overwhelmed.

So really COME ON! There is currently too much drama or potential drama on my plate. I am not ready to be so overwhelmed. Really. They don't dismiss your writing skills in college just because you were overwhelmed and anxious every time you sat down to write. This truth is something that characteristically, professors 'don't buy.' Maybe I really am imbalanced.

Funny how originally I was going to comment on the good that comes out of certain separations. Break ups perhaps. You don't realize it first off. Or looking back. Or missing a certain person. Or hating a certain person. But there comes a day when you can play the knowledgeable mother and realize that sometimes things end at the right time, whether you at one time or another did doubt that. How much more of it could I have taken, some ask themselves. I was so consumed by him (her, them) that I lost time for myself, others might say. Maybe that's why adults are so eager to have flings with former loves. They forget the bad and cling to the reawakened desire, no matter how bad you may be for each other. But what do I know about inappropriate crushes?

Labels: anxiety, break ups, college, English Major, inappropriate crushes, papers, temptation, writing

Dear God,
I've been acting like a fool and feeling like an idiot. Where are you?
Love,
Jillian

So basically I am throwing my "I won't use this to bitch" comment to the wind.

Dove Chocolate.
It's tasty. It's delicious. And hey, they even give you a little inspirational message. How nice of them. That is until they begin to screw with your life. Get ready, I'm about to turn really psychotic now.

I like(d) someone I'm not supposed to like. So this whole event occurs around the time that I decided it wasn't just not okay to like him, but that I just had to get over it, all of it. You see, I can't just get over things. I think I'm well done and over and I put it through my head to not go back and guess what happens. Something causes my heart to flutter and all at once I know I'm back to that place. Back to liking someone who things wouldn't work out with.

I ate a lot of Dove Chocolate and found myself reading messages like, "Tell someone a secret," and "Follow your heart," or "Be true to your heart." Something positively pathetic like that.

But no, I held on to my feelings. Screw you Dove chocolate, you give the worst advice.

[EDIT: I removed basically the whole story from the middle. It was so pathetic I had to get rid of it. So that's why it looks empty and flows awfully.]

Labels: dating, inappropriate crushes, ramblings