My last undergraduate midterm: 2:00 Park Hall. Technically it's a 2 part, 2 day midterm.

I've always had a problem of putting seniors on pedestals. They're older and have been here longer and they're obviously so much cooler and they are SO MUCH smarter than meager little me. I've always hated pedestals. I always expect senior year to be more of an ego boost, but I feel no different. And it doesn't matter. What underclassmen think of me as a senior means nothing now. I'm still trying to figure it all out. I'm still a kid.

But maybe it's time for me to make mistakes somewhere else. Maybe a move will cure my nightmares. Maybe a move will push me into my deepest corporate fears. A vacation in the real world. And then a graduate program, my choice. Finally a chance where I get to really look at schools and programs and make my own choice.

What if you believe me? Everything is brilliant.

Labels: college, exams, graduate programs, senior year

Temptation, why is it haunting me so badly? Well maybe because a - I welcome it and b - I am prone to it. I feel like I've wasted the whole day. I still have to write two 2 page papers for class tomorrow. It is 3:13 am. They are due at 9:05. Did I mention I'm taking a test right after I turn them in? I'm a little overwhelmed.

So really COME ON! There is currently too much drama or potential drama on my plate. I am not ready to be so overwhelmed. Really. They don't dismiss your writing skills in college just because you were overwhelmed and anxious every time you sat down to write. This truth is something that characteristically, professors 'don't buy.' Maybe I really am imbalanced.

Funny how originally I was going to comment on the good that comes out of certain separations. Break ups perhaps. You don't realize it first off. Or looking back. Or missing a certain person. Or hating a certain person. But there comes a day when you can play the knowledgeable mother and realize that sometimes things end at the right time, whether you at one time or another did doubt that. How much more of it could I have taken, some ask themselves. I was so consumed by him (her, them) that I lost time for myself, others might say. Maybe that's why adults are so eager to have flings with former loves. They forget the bad and cling to the reawakened desire, no matter how bad you may be for each other. But what do I know about inappropriate crushes?

Labels: anxiety, break ups, college, English Major, inappropriate crushes, papers, temptation, writing

I feel so busy and I know Libby is being neglected.
Right now I am up to my neck in reading, work, and Gamma Sig.
I work 3 days a week, which is starting to feel a little overwhelming. I signed up to be a volunteer at Bear Hollow on weekends, and possibly Fridays. There's the possibility of doing park work, helping take care of the animal, and a variety of other jobs I could get. I'm really excited and I hope this commitment will help me keep up my hours, since my mornings are the only real time I have left to give. I'm thinking about reducing my Thursday hours, but that's the one shift at Bolton that needs the most right now.

I guess in the end you have to take care of yourself first. Without a sane mind one really can't help others.

Labels: Bear Hollow, Bolton, college, volunteering

Finals are next week and I should be freaking out already, but I'm in a good place and I'm going to do my best to study as much as I can. I got a call back from CAPS and the woman I had my initial consultation appointment with picked me up from the waiting list. I'm really excited because I felt really comfotable with her. She's a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and she's probably only in her late 20's or very early 30's.

From here I have 6 to 10 sessions with her and then she has to recommend me to a therapist in the community. I'll probably be in Athens for the summer to take summer classes so I'll be able to continue seeing her throughout the beginning of the summer and then we'll see what I'll do.

I have more hope than I used to and she fills me with even more hope. Our consultation appointment was right before my latin class and econ test, but I went into both calm and feeling prepared, rather than my normal anxious self. I'm taking a semester off latin, which sounds like a horrible idea, but I always feel anxious and not good enough in that class. I need time to get better before I put myself through that again.

I was thinking about starting some kind of side project to follow my depression and treatment. I'm not sure if I could let myself be that vulnerable in front of everyone, but i see it as a release.

Labels: college, depression, finals, therapy

I have two finals tomorrow, what better time to blog!

Today is beyond random. I may have asked a few people about their t-shirt sizes and I may have not asked so many people. I also suck at being mysterious.

Music time. It is time for some new concerts and I have just the shows in mind!

Of Montreal - Haley and I are seeing them New Years Eve. Will be lots of fun!!!
If you're interested buy a ticket now before they sell out.

Manchester
Orchestra - I know they're playing in Atlanta soon, but certain people should
come visit me in Athens to go to their show at the 40 Watt. Leslie? Red?
...Sarah? The show's next Tuesday, with Kevin Devine and Dead Confederate. C'mon
pleaseeeeee! It's only $10 +$2 at the door if you're under 21.

I have got to stop procrastinating. All I want to do is listen to good music and think up new tattoo designs. Instead I am translating Latin for the thirdbillionth time. Jenn will have to get over it, because thirdbillionth is just my newest phrase word.

Work time. Back to the Rockstar and the twizzlers and the Mountain Dew and the water bottles and oh yeah, the Latin.

Labels: 40 Watt, college, finals, Leslie, live shows, Manchester Orchestra, procrastinating, Red, Sarah, translating

New obsessions help me procrastinate enough to be named the Queen of Procrastination. That should be a tag line of mine or something. Latest obsession is cutewithchris. This obsession has hit me fast and has racked up significantly more time than facebook stalking friends this week.


Creepy Side Note:
I noticed a glue like substance on my keyboard. That smells like syrup. Attention family, attention! Which one of you ate your drippy pancakes over the keyboard? Could you not spare five seconds to eat it at the table? Knowing my mother, no. Also knowing that my mother had leftover pancakes from IHOP on Sunday and didn't have those pancakes 3 days later leads me to point the finger at her. Shame on you mother bear.


Music Side Note:
I brought some music home and am now stuck listening to the same stuff over and over again. What am I listening to? Well since you asked so kindly...

1) The Teenagers
2) Something Corporate
3) Okkervil River
4) Neutral Milk Hotel
5) Manchester Orchestra
6) Tokyo Police Club
7) Ryan Adams
8) Flight Of The Conchords

Crazy story Haley, I got a bunch of Flight of the Concords stuff a while ago from Red. But it has nothing on watching their live videos with you at 5 in the morning.

Scar Report: What every girl should tell the world if she's still single.....yeah right. Just me.

Bruising on my legs is progressing normally and the chance of an abnormal scar is rare...if I had normal skin. But since my skin glows white in the dark and shines blue under the sun, there could be a definite bluer than normal spot under my left knee. Pictures shall be attached soon to prove that I am in fact, some freak of nature, and not an overly obsessive girl.

My newest scar is this cut/scrape/scab thing on my hand that I have no memory of getting, as always. Since my mother has no apparent belief system in Neosporin, I might get a cool scar on my hand. Thanks mom, for all of your hard work, support for my artistic side, and nonexistent supply of scar reducers to help me lead a normal, fulfilling life.

Actually, I had to beg her to get the first aid kit on top of the extra large box of band aids because I "was going to need all of this stuff some day." For all new friends, some day = twice a week.

Happy Thanksgiving! Eat lots of fatty food and please, as always, gain more weight than me this holiday break!

Labels: college, music appreciation, scars

"Well don't stop calling, you're the reason I love losing sleep."

Red's favorite Manchie song is Sleeper 1972. Mine is Colly Strings.

In fact, it was September of last year that I spent a day with I'm Like A Virgin Losing A Child on repeat and a camera in my hand. It was back when I was too shy to ask any of my friends to model for me but was too passionate to let ideas go to waste. I took a set and named it Partial Focus. I named each picture after Manchester lyrics, mostly Colly Strings. I've only ever shared one with anyone else.

It has a funny story behind it involving lamps and blood and roommate arguments, but it's no big deal anymore.

Last night I had a break through and started working on one of my stories again. The ideas keep coming and I feel as if I'm me again.

To celebrate, Lindsay and I went to the "lake" in my neighborhood and she posed for me. I'm almost out of film, which means it's time to change things up and buy color film. I can't wait to see color in my work.

The best part of today was saying something funny enough to make her laugh and capturing it on film. Now all I want to do is develop. Somebody please, find me a dark room!

Labels: college, dark rooms, Manchester Orchestra, Partial Focus, photography