I heard this song in my head tonight. Technically it’s in an older post, but that post has two songs, so I think this can be an exception. Ear worms always are.

Labels: anxiety, gardening

Having a better day today.  I almost posted yesterday, but it was one of those impulse days. Only one thing on my mind. I put myself to work yesterday working on anything I could that involved templates or numbers or routines.

Editor’s note - Anxiety is such a bitch. Control. Confrontation. Failure. So many worries. I sit in fear far too often worrying that if I share something about what I’m going through I will lose my job or respect or you know, just everything. Good and bad.

Original post circa July 2, 2019

Post script - No clue on what helped me through this mind space. Adjust Feel Better Soon playlist. Reconsider title song.

Labels: anxiety

I had the worst time sleeping last night, up every hour.  The problem is that I specifically woke up at 5:00am to take my pain killer so that I wouldn't be too tired when I got to the office (usually the first two hours after taking the meds are the most sleep inducing/hazy).  But I was pretty wide awake.

So I didn't take any other pain killers today.  I'm still struggling to not type with my left hand, but the overall pain is minimal.  My wrist itches like crazy under my splint though.  That and the anxiety from work is intense.  I would almost consider asking to take anxiety meds, but the surgery is already exhausting me.  I don't want to be calm, but constantly asleep.

Which somehow reminds me I need to go bring my plants in.  Got to keep them from freezing outside before they have a chance to bloom!

Labels: anxiety, recovery, stress, surgery, work stress

I wanted to tie this post to Josh Ritter's Wolves, but it's been done. Still it's the song I listened to on repeat in the car. I wonder if the wolves could be your fears. He finds them everywhere. To me that's my anxiety. Heartburn, indigestion. No not that. Fear in the pit of my stomach, churning. Nausea on an empty stomach.

There's a song, that fits wrapped around your shoulders, that can soothe me through it all. I know there is, but I don't remember discovering it. Razzle Dazzle Rose helps soothe me some. Is that a trumpet? Is that the soothing part? Maybe. Or her voice. Mostly Tracyanne Campbell's voice.

Rose, I'm feeling older 
Courage my love it makes me bolder

I need courage. I need hope. I need a hug.

I think getting outraged at the doctors office makes you crazy. Everyone else is speaking so calmly, why would you raise your voice? So I just smile and nod and try to make them feel better about my news. That's screwed up. Both versions. The one where I try not to make a big deal out of it and the one where you get emotional in public. Where is the inbetween?

I don't know if I can go through that surgery again from the beginning. I don't know if I can hold my head up every time I lose a part of myself. I want to feel whole again.

Labels: anxiety, Camera Obscura, emotions, Josh Ritter, mixes, pissed, processing, soothing songs, stress, surgery

Last night was a clusterfuck. I spent the whole day taking care of my to do list so that I could enjoy the night and have a lazy Sunday of reading and preparing my garden.  I was in such a good mood.  What a laugh.

I got stuck following an ambulance on the highway until we hit the stop dead traffic from the accident it was seeking.  Then I got turned around on the road, three to five times.  There gets to be a point where you just have to stop listening to the gps and pay attention to the streets.  After verifying I was not where I needed to be, I used my gps to walk to my destination and it took me the worst way possible. As was apparent on my super easy walk back.  But I was so paranoid last night.  Well, not paranoid, anxious. 

Anxiety, you old awful friend.  I texted a friend to help me calm down.  I looked up the way I needed to head back.  I asked around for a walking buddy.  Okay, I took the coward's way out on this one.  The venue was filled, almost everyone else was drinking, and it felt way too easy to eavesdrop and I never found a group of people or single person I felt comfortable enough asking to walk with me to my car.  So I just stalled until enough people were heading in the direction of my car. Anyway, I did the best I could to get control of the situation.  But having to make preparations, having to stress about my safety, it just ruined my mood.  The band was great, the openers were fun too, and I wanted to dance, but it wasn't the same.  I felt too alone in the crowd.  I need a concert buddy from now on.  For safety and fun and for fucks sake because I don't need to be alone.

Well last night bled into a headache, or the storm did, or my pets waking me up constantly for 90 minutes straight did, who can be sure.  I started to build my seed starter system this morning and my heart was not in it.  I did read, ate waffles, played with the dogs.  The waffles made me nauseous though.  Waffles shouldn't make you feel barfy, they should make everything better.  So something else must be up with me. 

The only music that feels fitting for this kind of dreary Sunday is Cults on shuffle.  The lyrics to this song were stuck in my head before it even came on.  Does that ever happen to anyone else?  You can listen to one song by a band and instantly want to hear another to the point that you're playing over the lyrics in your head already.  "Should've taken the high road.  Now it's such a long way back."  It happens a lot for me with different Cults songs. 

Labels: anxiety, Cults, dreary day

I am having a bad case of anxiety tonight.  I feel like Sunday is already ruined because Sunday will just be a count down to when I have to go to work.  I have one particularity stressful meeting this spring with so many moving parts and I can't seem to leave that stress at work.  Or handle it without feeling stressed.  I need a better method for this kind of anxiety.  I have an appointment scheduled for next week to help with this.

I think I'm just mentally exhausted from all that I'm trying to get done outside of work.  I'm getting into something new, something scary, and I want to make sure I do it right.  I don't even want to talk to people or write about it until I've done more research and homework.

I just want my heart to slow back down.  It feels like my heart is just going to jump right out of my chest.

Labels: anxiety

There's been a lot on my mind lately.  Best way to start the new year is to take my own advice and get a mental health "check-up."  I went to my friend with the sunshine disposition and got the information for her therapist.  The practice offers evening hours that are perfect for going after work, so I don't have to miss work or go on my lunch hour.

I've been processing something these past few weeks that's been weighing on me, other than my grandmother's health struggles.  

After my accident and the first surgery, I felt so numb.  I had just lost my other grandmother.  I waked away from someone I really loved.  I left a job that I had come to hate.  I had money problems.  I was going to be an aunt.  -   I wasn't depressed in a way I could recognize.  All of my reactions were muted and discolored.  Then they all came flooding back and I was absolutely paralyzed in fear.  The anxiety was so bad that I had to leave my new job.  The job was not what I had expected, and there were several signs that I wouldn't want to stay there for too long.  But that wasn't my main reason for quitting.  All the colors and emotions came back to me and I could not hold them, could not hold myself together in front of those people, could not go a day without feeling the anxieties swell in my chest.

This time loop thing, I don't understand it.  Same surgery. I'm going to be an aunt again.  My grandmother is dying of cancer.  I don't have money problems, but most of my savings have been sucked into my surgery.  I just started a new job, and it does feel right for me and it makes me happy.  There is no correlation for the love part. I am just me right now.

My life surrounding these surgeries is so similar and so different.  I have this feeling now that's hard to explain.  It's not necessarily a "I feel so alive" feeling, but maybe a cousin of it.  It's more like, I am doing so much living right now.  I don't know if that makes sense.  That's where the "I am just me right now" comes in.  I would rather be in a relationship, sure, but that's not what I had been focusing on this past year.  I spent it finding my way back to happiness. I was happy with myself, with what I was doing and what I was creating.  Then I came out of the surgery and I was so lonely.

I don't want to be passive anymore.  I don't want to watch love pass me by.  I want love back in my life.

Love is the light I want to be in.  Be more positive.  Be the good.  Be the light for someone else. 

Labels: anxiety, be more positive, be the good, find the good, love, stay in the light, therapy, time loop

I had a bad day at work today, and at the same time a good day.  I really love my office, it's such a great fit for me.  The team I have there is supportive and creative and some of the kindest people I've ever met.  They get me too, which is why today was also a good day.  They stepped in as soon as they saw me go pale and quiet and they didn't complain about their own giant work loads at all.

The bad part of the day was this minor panic attack I had when I realized my low key group would give me the most stress in the spring.  They traditionally do a lot of the planning on their own and I do more administrative tasks for the event.  Except now they've decided to do Disney in March and they already have a contract they wanted me to review and it is less than 90 days away!

breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, stop panicking, breathe.

I knew the most stressful times would be in October (when I had five meetings in a row) and in December when I had to finalize four contracts for the spring, now five.  I finished two, one will most likely push into January, and now two in progress.

I don't ever talk to my friends about this kind of work stuff.  Maybe I need to find a meeting planners group to do a cocktail & complaints hour.  Sip & Paint & Problem Solve?  I can just see myself with the poofy scarf, trying to stay balanced on a stool, sipping back my coke no ice with a straw that won't stay down and discreetly passing around a bag of chewy sprees to get rid of all the greens.

Everything is so diaries entry boring on Libby these days.  I haven't read much lately, haven't come across any real inspiring quotes.  There were a few really good lines in my book on tape, but I listen to it when I drive and can't write it down.  Hoping Practical Magic will inspire me like The Magicians did.

We're supposed to have white noise machines at work but I can hear everything all the time.  I ordered a portable sound machine that can generate fan noises, white noise and ocean sounds.  As soon as it arrives I am taking it to the office.  I wish I had it today.  Trying to squelch a possible migraine with this calming mix I made a few years back.  It's just making me tired though.

Labels: anxiety, meeting planner, meetings, panic attacks, playlist, work

Today I fought to stay in the light and it continued to shine even after the sun went down.  I faced several anxieties - driving in Atlanta with one bad hand, going out by myself with no set plans to meet others, the possibility of running into my ex, talking to strangers (/befriending a stranger), driving at night with one bad hand, going into unruly crowds with my injured wrist - and I came out smiling.

I saw the band Bully tonight and they played an unbelievably awesome show.  I found their music  really helpful this past year, first with angst and then with trying to steady myself. I mean yeah, you can feel the anger start to build and intensify, but then you can just shake it off and fall into the steady drum beat and killer vocals.  I really don't know how she is able to tour and not lose her voice.  Maybe she does.  I am so thankful for that. 

I am also thankful for my health, the good and the bad, this strange mix I have.  My anxiety was so crippling last year.  It was very clearly present tonight, but I didn't have an anxiety attack, I didn't back down, and I continued to challenge myself with the good kind of scary.

I'm not perfect though.  Tonight I recognized how much I need to improve my communication.  I knew good and well there was a high chance that I could see my ex tonight and I did not tell a single person.  Yes, that's not really other people's business, but if I want an effective support team I have to use it. I didn't want to be talked out of going and I think now that is not what a good support team would try to do after all.  A good support team should push you to face your fears, to eliminate them, but with aid. I think.

Labels: anxiety, Bully, find the good, live shows, stay in the light, thankful

My anxiety feels particularly suffocating today. It stays relatively occupied and buried when I'm at work, but when I'm off it's needy and consuming and even the littlest things, answering a text or  tidying my closet, feel overwhelming and part way through I lose whatever energy I had.

I tried to say something about this on facebook tonight, but even that was too consuming.  I fidgeted and fought with myself for almost half an hour trying to bring this up and apologize for ignoring people and blowing off plans, but in the end I couldn't find a way that didn't declare myself a hopeless idiot riddled with anxiety and over sharing.  So I have not responded to that message and I have not offered two friends an explanation for why I still have not called them to pick a date for dinner.  After two hours I did respond to the most important of my text messages. I did however have to call my best friend to talk me through my response, but had no trouble talking with her and even made a few jokes.  Ah, but I have avoided her and not made plans to hang out in weeks (a month? two months?) and I can't explain why not except that the anxiety from planning to get together has been so consuming and draining that I can't even tell her I've had to cancel because of it.

I feel like a fraud so often.  I miss my friends but I won't make plans to see them.  I want to embrace life and be happy but I put off doing things that make me happy.  I wish the medication I have for this actually did something to make a difference.

Labels: anxiety

Recently I watched this short video about high functioning anxiety and how it's perceived.  I've had an array of anxiety throughout my adult life and that general message, I'm not good enough, always chanted in the background. 

At the beginning of last year I was overwhelmed by it -  coping poorly to a slew of car accidents, avoiding simple conversations at work, ignoring text messages for no reason at all. My work life overwhelmed me the most.  Anxiety attacks became more common and more fierce.  I quit my job to relieve some of the tension, but instead the anxiety intensified.  There were quite a few days where it felt like someone or something was punching my gut and I felt too sick to eat.  My health insurance ran out and soon so did my supply of medication.  I fell into an awful pattern of being in too much pain from migraines to stay awake during the day, so I slept most days and spent the nights awake alone, bored, and still not coping with my anxiety well. 

When my schedule finally aligned I decided to fully stop all of my medications. I gave my body time to cleanse and then I restarted the only pill I really, really, need to survive - synthroid.  I met with my doctor before restarting synthroid as I knew I would have to adjust my dose and she explained that if your dosage is no longer working for you that your body can present certain side effects.  So basically my medical history can all be linked to the failure of one gland.

My other medication was helping when everything was in control, but it felt like it weighed me down further when my anxiety was unmanageable. I restarted my birth control as well, which is known to trigger migraines, but I needed to regulate my menstrual cycle again. I used to praise it for providing such brief periods, but it's true superpower is eliminating the excruciating pain.  Soon I'll have my blood tested again and I will try a new dosage and from there I will make my decision to take any other medications.  I'm praying that the proper dose will help me manage the anxiety.  I'm trying the best that I can to get my life back in order and eliminate the extra stress that triggers it.

Labels: anxiety, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, migrianes, synthroid

Temptation, why is it haunting me so badly? Well maybe because a - I welcome it and b - I am prone to it. I feel like I've wasted the whole day. I still have to write two 2 page papers for class tomorrow. It is 3:13 am. They are due at 9:05. Did I mention I'm taking a test right after I turn them in? I'm a little overwhelmed.

So really COME ON! There is currently too much drama or potential drama on my plate. I am not ready to be so overwhelmed. Really. They don't dismiss your writing skills in college just because you were overwhelmed and anxious every time you sat down to write. This truth is something that characteristically, professors 'don't buy.' Maybe I really am imbalanced.

Funny how originally I was going to comment on the good that comes out of certain separations. Break ups perhaps. You don't realize it first off. Or looking back. Or missing a certain person. Or hating a certain person. But there comes a day when you can play the knowledgeable mother and realize that sometimes things end at the right time, whether you at one time or another did doubt that. How much more of it could I have taken, some ask themselves. I was so consumed by him (her, them) that I lost time for myself, others might say. Maybe that's why adults are so eager to have flings with former loves. They forget the bad and cling to the reawakened desire, no matter how bad you may be for each other. But what do I know about inappropriate crushes?

Labels: anxiety, break ups, college, English Major, inappropriate crushes, papers, temptation, writing