My anxiety feels particularly suffocating today. It stays relatively occupied and buried when I'm at work, but when I'm off it's needy and consuming and even the littlest things, answering a text or  tidying my closet, feel overwhelming and part way through I lose whatever energy I had.

I tried to say something about this on facebook tonight, but even that was too consuming.  I fidgeted and fought with myself for almost half an hour trying to bring this up and apologize for ignoring people and blowing off plans, but in the end I couldn't find a way that didn't declare myself a hopeless idiot riddled with anxiety and over sharing.  So I have not responded to that message and I have not offered two friends an explanation for why I still have not called them to pick a date for dinner.  After two hours I did respond to the most important of my text messages. I did however have to call my best friend to talk me through my response, but had no trouble talking with her and even made a few jokes.  Ah, but I have avoided her and not made plans to hang out in weeks (a month? two months?) and I can't explain why not except that the anxiety from planning to get together has been so consuming and draining that I can't even tell her I've had to cancel because of it.

I feel like a fraud so often.  I miss my friends but I won't make plans to see them.  I want to embrace life and be happy but I put off doing things that make me happy.  I wish the medication I have for this actually did something to make a difference.

Labels: anxiety