I really struggled with self doubt today. Sometimes I just can’t hold on to all the good that I have and I loose the light that keeps things positive. I just have so many fears. And a fear of who to talk to about it all. Sometimes I feel like I’m still that girl who couldn’t keep it together and I feel like that spiral of anxiety and depression never left me. I’m still the fuck up that lost the guy and her sanity.

Losing the jobs I had back then would not have been the worst thing for me because they were both bad for me. So much anxiety and self doubt and not liking myself arose in those environments.  I’m glad I left and I’m glad for all the good I learned about myself at both jobs, but I wish I had seen a therapist and dealt with all the anxiety before it got so bad. I saw a therapist last year when it looked like things were going to get stressful and overwhelming. I think my mistake was not going for follow up appointments after I got the stomach bug that wrecked my life, brought on the constant puking, and brought back a constant fear that I would lose my job because it was all so stressful and I was going to fuck it up.

It definitely sounds like I made the wrong career move into such a stressful industry, but I really do enjoy what I do, preferably when others don’t fuck up my best laid plans. The company I work for is such an amazing group of people.  There is a lot of ideas lead by the heart first, with the head following through and finalizing. My kind of people.  Suicide is a rising crisis in the veterinary community and this year my company reached out and started a program to offer assistance and access to help. There was a death in my coworkers group last year, her main point of contact, less than a month before he was supposed to host the group in his city. I was so low at that point and I cried so hard, for this man I never met, with the conviction that I wouldn’t let myself get that low. Life is messy and there is so much that can feel like taking everything from you, but it’s also so beautiful and has so much good.

This song reminds me of all those low times. It’s on a mix I have in my car right now and as I was driving I realized I always focused on the line about the most remarkable thing about you. I never really heard the beauty later in this part.

The world throws its light underneath your hair. 

The sun was shining so bright in my car, my hair so red it looked like flames. It felt so good to be out today. It felt so good to be in that moment. I have to pray that I can feel the light under my hair tomorrow and that it’s bright enough and warm enough to keep the demons at bay.

This week had so many great moments, but it felt like it just kept getting worse and worse. I can’t wait to spend the next two days working on my garden. It’s one of the most peaceful places I can go. Even when it needs a lot of work. Maybe especially when it needs a lot of work. I’m behind the general suggested timeline for my zone, but I started some seeds this week. I have a few flowering plants I can start from seed in containers so I did that too. I even put my cactus kit together finally. I wonder if cactus seeds can survive four years and still create sustainable cacti. 

Labels: country life, gardening, orchids, singalong songs

Well this has been a shitty day. I had so many wins at work but the one thing I couldn’t secure led to a disappointing phone call. My eyes were tearing up earlier in the day from pollen/allergies, but hanging up that phone I felt like I had actually just finished having a long cry. Empty but turbulent. Like a fuck up.

I received an apology for something that happened last year, so long ago, and yet I feel guilty about that too. Guilty for how I reacted. Or lack of reaction. I shouldn’t have let it get in the way of such an important relationship.

I feel guilty that I have no great gift for my nephew’s first birthday. I’ve only had a year to think on it. Do I go symbolic? Economic? Future toys?

And then there’s the shit from guys. Have you tried online dating? HA!

Shit fuckers, motherfucking asshole fuckers. FUCK!!! It would be one thing if you were just wasting my time. I’m thirty and not married. My time has been wasted. I wasted it. Guys wasted it. It has been laid to waste and we’ve moved on or I thought I was and I thought I was trying harder & being better but shit fucking hell ahhhhhhhhh!! I don’t know what my angry music is. Not my vulnerable and angry music. I’m not going to cry. This isn’t some hormonal menstrual influenced whine fest. This bitch fest is brought to you by the guy that shredded my last nerve, took my last fuck to give (ha! not literally), and will never be worth my time again.

Labels: all the feelings, bad week, pissed

I fucking love Tokyo Police Club! Fucking love them.

Labels: music appreciation, Tokyo Police Club

I’m sitting outside picking weeds (I know, that’s still my whole yard) and this song came on my Bose speaker and a feeling solidified in my gut. Melon Collie and the Infinite Radness (Parts 1 & 2) was made for playing outside. I wish Tokyo Police Club was playing Shaky Knees again or some outdoor venue down south this year. As it is I could close my eyes, lay back, and almost picture them playing in my backyard. From where I’m sitting my backyard is built like an outdoor amphitheater.

Labels: country life, gardening, music appreciation, Tokyo Police Club