It's funny how much you can like something without paying attention to it. Thursday night I heard a Bloc Party song that I love downtown and I sang along because I knew every word - here's the catch, I don't know which song it was. I simply couldn't think of the title at the time and after listening to their earlier stuff I can't be certain if it was Helicopter or Staying Fat. Probably Helicopter, but I can't be sure.
Likewise, I drove around listening to a mix my ex made me for 5 months before I realized what I was listening to. At first I really liked the songs and over time I found myself able to sing along with basically every song on the mix. But then it was brought to my attention that it was about our relationship, ups and downs included. Now I kind of hate it. I mean, it's a good mix if you're not looking for a message behind it. But I should have been. I should have been alarmed that songs like Between Love & Hate by The Strokes, Bad Stuff by Free Energy, and The Cave by Mumford & Sons are on it. Now singing along to it kinda sucks too.
I'm making a new mix to drive around and sing along to; it's called Super Fun and it will have no hidden messages. I'm looking forward to finishing it soon!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
posted by Songs of Love at 3:08 AM
Fitz has solutions for everything.
1. Studying too much and neglecting him? Solution: He will lie down on keyboard or laptop or notebook.
2. Bad posture? Solution: He will wedge between the back of the desk chair and my back, forcing me to sit straighter.
3. Not going to bed? Solution: He will cuddle behind my back in the desk chair, warming up my lower back and sending sleepy vibes.
4. Poor? He'll be happy with just a straw to play with.
1. Studying too much and neglecting him? Solution: He will lie down on keyboard or laptop or notebook.
2. Bad posture? Solution: He will wedge between the back of the desk chair and my back, forcing me to sit straighter.
3. Not going to bed? Solution: He will cuddle behind my back in the desk chair, warming up my lower back and sending sleepy vibes.
4. Poor? He'll be happy with just a straw to play with.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Today has been a productive errands day. I made it to Borders for their close out sale, convinced my mom to buy me groceries - including all the ingredients I need to make a seven layer dip for next week, and a free dinner at Macaroni Grill.
Right now Borders' sale is only 20-30% off.
Books I Bought
1. About A boy by Nick Hornby
2. Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman
3. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë
4. Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë
5. The Almost Moon by Alice Sebold
6. Wrecked by E.r. Frank
Other items
1. Cute mosaic notebook
2. A baby gift for a friend
3. Post-It tabs
4. Purple umbrella
5. Deathly Hallows poster
Right now Borders' sale is only 20-30% off.
Books I Bought
1. About A boy by Nick Hornby
2. Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman
3. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë
4. Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë
5. The Almost Moon by Alice Sebold
6. Wrecked by E.r. Frank
Other items
1. Cute mosaic notebook
2. A baby gift for a friend
3. Post-It tabs
4. Purple umbrella
5. Deathly Hallows poster
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I know I really lost touch with who I was at the end of last year. I've been working so hard to fix myself, to find myself again. It's incredibly hard but it has so much reward. I'm proud of all that I worked through so far. I know there's a lot more that I have to finely tune, but after the conversation I had tonight I am so glad I started this process.
Tonight I realized that I was dragging the boy I loved in the dirt for longer than I thought.
I thought all the problems we faced would be momentary and we could work through them together. I think I just learned the definition of blinded by love.
I thought all the problems we faced would be momentary and we could work through them together. I think I just learned the definition of blinded by love.
Monday, February 21, 2011
There is so much on my mind tonight. I wanted to wait until tomorrow, until after my essay/close-reading was finished, but I can not stop this matter of the heart from consuming my thoughts. Instead I am writing a letter to my grandma.
Maybe it's the senioritis catching up on me, maybe it's priorities, maybe I really don't care about this assignment, but I can not find a way to focus on it and just be done with it. My grandma didn't care about school and although she's proud of me, was nothing more than a C student. She was also "difficult" and poor. She threw a typewriter out an open window once. I think she would understand my predicament about school and life quite well.
I want the murmurings of my heart to cease, to let my brain take over, finish this assignment and then just sleep and sleep. I would prefer to sleep for a few days before settling this matter of uncertainty? Fear mixed with excitement mixed with sorrow? If I sound oddly formal, you should read this letter. It's like I'm writing in 1864. And that just shows the cause and effect of spending a whole weekend reading a 400-something mid 19th century novel.
Maybe it's the senioritis catching up on me, maybe it's priorities, maybe I really don't care about this assignment, but I can not find a way to focus on it and just be done with it. My grandma didn't care about school and although she's proud of me, was nothing more than a C student. She was also "difficult" and poor. She threw a typewriter out an open window once. I think she would understand my predicament about school and life quite well.
I want the murmurings of my heart to cease, to let my brain take over, finish this assignment and then just sleep and sleep. I would prefer to sleep for a few days before settling this matter of uncertainty? Fear mixed with excitement mixed with sorrow? If I sound oddly formal, you should read this letter. It's like I'm writing in 1864. And that just shows the cause and effect of spending a whole weekend reading a 400-something mid 19th century novel.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Disadvantages of being tall:
1. Growing pains
2. Bad knees (though that's more genetic, thanks Dad)
3. It intimidates the boys (mostly middle school/high school)
4. Backseats with no leg room
5. Your feet dangle off small beds
6. If you wear heels you tower over EVERYONE
7. "Long" lengths of jeans are still not long enough
1. Growing pains
2. Bad knees (though that's more genetic, thanks Dad)
3. It intimidates the boys (mostly middle school/high school)
4. Backseats with no leg room
5. Your feet dangle off small beds
6. If you wear heels you tower over EVERYONE
7. "Long" lengths of jeans are still not long enough
Saturday, February 19, 2011
So that I can keep up, I am going to start keeping a running list of my friends who are engaged. It has gotten intense post-Christmas. A few of them are my really close friends and I better be invited to the wedding! I've known one since 3rd grade and known of the other since 7th grade. It's so strange seeing old friends become old enough to get married. It's hard to see old friends past that initial memory, the one that stays at the very center of the friendship, but it gives me incredible joy to see them so happy and in love.
Recently Engaged:
1. Leslie (+Ryan)
2. Lindsay F. (+Marc)
3. Caroline (+Daniel)
4. Natalie
5. Brooke
6. Mallory
7. Rachel
8. Nicole
9. Gaby
I'm 22. It's time to face the facts that my friends are getting married. I'm sure the numbers will increase after graduation. Here are the current totals:
3 - Sorority Sisters are now married.
5 - Friends who got married in college/college age
Why this is all okay:
1) Weddings are lots of fun!
2) Weddings have great food!
3) There will be cute single guys.
Recently Engaged:
1. Leslie (+Ryan)
2. Lindsay F. (+Marc)
3. Caroline (+Daniel)
4. Natalie
5. Brooke
6. Mallory
7. Rachel
8. Nicole
9. Gaby
I'm 22. It's time to face the facts that my friends are getting married. I'm sure the numbers will increase after graduation. Here are the current totals:
3 - Sorority Sisters are now married.
5 - Friends who got married in college/college age
Why this is all okay:
1) Weddings are lots of fun!
2) Weddings have great food!
3) There will be cute single guys.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Was having a great week until I realized Fitz wasn't in the apartment. Searched and cried and cried and made signs to put on my neighbors' doors for an hour before one of my neighbors answered my call, thankfully the apartment where Fitz had sneaked into. I am the most frantic, pathetic, cat mom with a WILD imagination. My heart beat is still out of control. I would be devastated without Fitz. I love the little cuddle bug so much.
Monday, February 14, 2011
This weekend, minus the horrible upset that occurred Saturday morning - afternoon, was great. I have less than a 100 days until graduation and I think it's time to make the best of it. I actually enjoyed myself downtown on Friday night and am willing to go out more if my little Melissa is willing to do my hair & make-up like she promised. I'm so lazy with my look, it feels real nice to look real nice. It appears I am all intimidating downtown, guys are really stupid to believe that but it's so much easier to let them believe that than pretend to flirt. Let's be honest, I can't flirt. But I am really good at talking up other girls. Best example? Kaitlyn, with two different guys, who both ended up liking her. So I think I should just embrace it and learn to be a wing woman.
I spent Sunday baking cupcakes and heart shaped cookies with my other friend Melissa. I was expecting more girl talk about this guy in her creative writing class that she was trying to flirt with. No guy who has half a brain can resist her adorableness. Apparently I was right because she ran into him Friday night and he asked her on a date and it just sounded ADORABLE. I love that early stage of liking a guy and the flirting and the uncertainty of what's going to happen next. The butterflies and the flirty texts and the never ending smiles. It's the best. I am so happy for her! I want this for more of my friends, so wing woman I must! I should probably rewatch How I Met Your Mother and take lessons from Robin.
I really need to edit my Top Secret "Girls Only" Mix, The Innermost Thoughts of a Girl In Like. I think it's time to start distributing it. Nakeem had asked me for it when I first constructed it but it felt wrong giving a guy access to these top secret girl thoughts. I mean, I feel if you can understand this mix you can get almost any girl, and that's a power not all guys can handle. Or should have.
I spent Sunday baking cupcakes and heart shaped cookies with my other friend Melissa. I was expecting more girl talk about this guy in her creative writing class that she was trying to flirt with. No guy who has half a brain can resist her adorableness. Apparently I was right because she ran into him Friday night and he asked her on a date and it just sounded ADORABLE. I love that early stage of liking a guy and the flirting and the uncertainty of what's going to happen next. The butterflies and the flirty texts and the never ending smiles. It's the best. I am so happy for her! I want this for more of my friends, so wing woman I must! I should probably rewatch How I Met Your Mother and take lessons from Robin.
I really need to edit my Top Secret "Girls Only" Mix, The Innermost Thoughts of a Girl In Like. I think it's time to start distributing it. Nakeem had asked me for it when I first constructed it but it felt wrong giving a guy access to these top secret girl thoughts. I mean, I feel if you can understand this mix you can get almost any girl, and that's a power not all guys can handle. Or should have.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
My mom came and spent the day with my hungover pathetic self. Spending the remains of the day with her made me think of my perfect day. I had this huge urge to listen to the Meaning of Family and make my second mix, but during the day when it's sunny. The Meaning of Family was originally called Father, and it still is in my itunes. It's partner, Mother, is sadly only three songs long. Father is kind of heartbreakingly serious and then cheesy.
Labels: mixtapes
Friday, February 11, 2011
I want to graduate so badly so that I can recreate a normal sleep schedule, be too distracted doing something I enjoy to have time to waste procrastinating or going down memory lane, and so that I don't have to take my work home with me. 8 to 4. 9 to 5. That's it. I'm not gonna stay up until 4 AM trying to write a paper I don't care about.
Also, how can anyone not love a song about cheese? I've never heard a song about cheese that was this catchy and not super cheesy. But really, this is an awesome song. If I ever see this band live I am going to have to shake their hands on a job well done.
Also, how can anyone not love a song about cheese? I've never heard a song about cheese that was this catchy and not super cheesy. But really, this is an awesome song. If I ever see this band live I am going to have to shake their hands on a job well done.
Labels: Athens bands, cheese
I shouldn't drink wine alone, no matter how good I think I feel, because it is just a ruse and soon Fitz will bite my feet and the page will be blank and I'll be starved for the feel of the wind from an open car window. I have bite marks on my ankle and intense procrastination and probably a ton of insecurity and doubt and maybe even a little annoyance at Fitz.
He was SOOOOOO cute and sleepy and cuddly earlier. It was so so so cute. He followed me around when I started to hyperventilate and he looked concerned, for a cat. But now it is just meeeeeoooooow. He's wide awake because I let him nap so much during the day. He wants to play and won't stop meowing out of boredom. He's on an "attack" spree, first Simba, then the bag, then Simba in the bag. I gotta hide my ankles.
And I miss Charlotte. I miss going on errands and taking her with me.
Having a dog in the car > having Fitz in the car.
I think Fitz and I are having a squinting contest. He's being pissy. I'm tipsy.
He was SOOOOOO cute and sleepy and cuddly earlier. It was so so so cute. He followed me around when I started to hyperventilate and he looked concerned, for a cat. But now it is just meeeeeoooooow. He's wide awake because I let him nap so much during the day. He wants to play and won't stop meowing out of boredom. He's on an "attack" spree, first Simba, then the bag, then Simba in the bag. I gotta hide my ankles.
And I miss Charlotte. I miss going on errands and taking her with me.
Having a dog in the car > having Fitz in the car.
I think Fitz and I are having a squinting contest. He's being pissy. I'm tipsy.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Yeah this paper is getting no where. It's going to be a long night, so I poured some Moscato and turned on Marvin Gaye. I love his voice so much, I'm even singing along. I'm kinda afraid my neighbors can hear me, but I don't care enough to stop. I want to slow dance so badly.
I have to stop watching Arrested Development and write my paper today. My 2nd book still hasn't come in and I'm not sure I can get away with not citing the page or even having the correct wording/style for her poems, so I guess I'm writing this paper all on Walt Whitman. Cool. Fitz is taking a thousand cat naps today. Cool.
I downloaded the new Strokes single today but I have no one to talk to about it. I miss my old friend.
I downloaded the new Strokes single today but I have no one to talk to about it. I miss my old friend.
Labels: We used to be friends.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Maybe there is such a thing as an inner voice. Something you have less control over, which really you have full control over. Last week my inner voice was all I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. I miss him. This weekend it feel silent until one moment when it sassed at me from the middle of the encroaching sadness, You got this! Don't worry your single sexy self! And I was like woahhh where did that come from? Single sexy self? I don't think I've ever viewed myself as both at once. This afternoon this inner voice is full of confusion, going back on it's word. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. Heartbroken. No I'm not. I don't need to be told, by myself, that I'm heartbroken. That's not helpful. I'm trying to fix myself, thank you. Heartbroken. Heartbreaking. I wish my inner voice would shut the fuck up.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Dear friends,
I would like to fight my case for feeling better with a simple pro/con list, excluding all talk about a boy or a relationship or how it makes me feel. I would also like to give you a break from my inner ramblings. So the positive side, let's jump in!
Pros
- I lost weight (5+ lbs).
- I finally bought hot new clothes (which I look even better in due to lost weight).
- My "new year/new me" hair cut is cute, simple, fun, and I'm still getting compliments on it.
- I have not become an alcoholic.
- I am actually excited to move in with my sister.
- I have plenty of time to play with Fitz.
- I am finally bonding with my littles.
- I have AMAZING friends.
Cons
- Loss of appetite = I'm not eating as many delicious foods as I'd like to be.
- Food goes bad when you don't eat it.
- Fitz cries on long car rides when he hears the windshield wipers.
- It rains a lot.
I would like to fight my case for feeling better with a simple pro/con list, excluding all talk about a boy or a relationship or how it makes me feel. I would also like to give you a break from my inner ramblings. So the positive side, let's jump in!
Pros
- I lost weight (5+ lbs).
- I finally bought hot new clothes (which I look even better in due to lost weight).
- My "new year/new me" hair cut is cute, simple, fun, and I'm still getting compliments on it.
- I have not become an alcoholic.
- I am actually excited to move in with my sister.
- I have plenty of time to play with Fitz.
- I am finally bonding with my littles.
- I have AMAZING friends.
Cons
- Loss of appetite = I'm not eating as many delicious foods as I'd like to be.
- Food goes bad when you don't eat it.
- Fitz cries on long car rides when he hears the windshield wipers.
- It rains a lot.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
I feel like watching HGTV officially makes me a cat lady, but I don't care. Mostly I love House Hunters International. I still want to move to Italy soooo badly. Tonight my dad even stopped, on his way to bed, and watched a whole episode because the couple was looking in Abruzzo, where my dad's family lives. Our family's town is Montenerodomo, which is in Chieti in Abruzzo. To put things in U.S. terms, the region of Abruzzo is kind of like a state and Chieti is a county in it.
Dad just couldn't look away. I couldn't either. I am on the Don't-Vacation-Until-We-Own-A-Home-In-Italy bandwagon.
The Italian government is trying to do a lot to convince people to move back to Italy and have all of these renovation plans for the empty/abandoned homes. Apparently you can buy a house at a contracted rate and then the contract company renovates and furnished your new Italian home. A house in a small town, a house in the country, I would be perfectly fine in either. There is something so different in their way of life and friendly attitude that is so refreshing. I felt like I was really living when I was in Italy.
I would love to live with my sister until we could purchase some kind of family "vacation" home in Italy and then I could live there so we wouldn't have to hire anyone to tend to it while my parents are in America and I could find some job in the town and write something that could launch my writing career. First I need to learn Italian. I wonder if I could hire a friend to tutor me in it with old textbooks. Oh, Italy.
For now I can simply dream of a day when Fitz and I can escape quarantine and enjoy an adorable little Italian home, near real authentic Roman ruins, filled with vases and vases of those red Italian poppies, learning to love coffee and filling notebooks with the history of my family. I would love to get to know my Italian family. I would love for them to teach me how to make a meal out of the limited ingredients found in the town. I'd probably have to go out of town to buy candy in bulk to appease my sweet tooth.
I am embracing my age and my new life. My sister is letting me live in the room behind the garage on her first floor. My "nook" consists of a bedroom, attached full bath, decent closet, and a little hall that leads to the garage and the stairs to the 2nd floor (kitchen/living room/front porch/back deck). Living with my sister will make it easier to forget that I'm living in a room in someone else's house. She's really excited about me moving in and I can tell she's looking forward to my company. Today I took home a lot of paint swatches. My mom is letting me repaint my room at my house so I have two different color schemes I'm playing with. I really think I want a dark maroon, purple with red tones shade at Summer's place. But now I'm also between shades of green (sea-foam green, mint) and teal (bluegreen shades, my favorite) for my childhood bedroom. I think my mom wants me to go tame in my childhood bedroom but she also has recently confirmed they aren't moving out for a very long time. So I am living in the land of paint colors and a new comforter and picking out new pieces of furniture to create a mood and I feel like I'm finally acting my age. I kind of want to just take Janie shopping every week and get her opinion and channel her completely ADORABLE taste in my decorating. I'm thinking of even creating a mood board.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Therapy this morning made things temporarily worse. Now I miss him miss him miss him repetitively. It's like the subliminal "sleep" repeated in the background of Sleeping in by The Postal Service. It's constantly there despite everything else going on in the song. Funny thing is I can't even listen to this band anymore. They used to calm my nerves, now they just make me sad.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Somehow I managed to get shit done, pick up food AND EAT IT, napped, copied missed notes, watched a movie, wrote some prose poetry and play with Fitz despite the hell I woke up to. AND I didn't have a friend come over. I did it all alone...on a gloomy rainy day. I'm proud of myself even if to the outside world this sounds like nothing to get excited over.
I'm still tense with my music collection but I'm gonna try to sort through it and make a mix about being married and being scared. Then I need to make a mix to make me feel really happy afterward. I kinda chose a really dark complex subject for my creative writing project. Maybe that's a good thing? I don't know.
In case I try to engage you on my project and you actually read my blog, here's a little bit about it. We have to pick a character in a certain time period and we have to use real sources for that time period or event. So my characters are inspired by two of my middle school teachers who got married, he's this funny, dorky 7th grade science teacher and she used to teach 7th grade Language Arts. I'm gonna set them back a few years though - 1999/2000, back when there were so many threats of violence in schools. It's based on their disagreements, trying to start a family in such a threatening environment, and her miscarriages.
I'm still tense with my music collection but I'm gonna try to sort through it and make a mix about being married and being scared. Then I need to make a mix to make me feel really happy afterward. I kinda chose a really dark complex subject for my creative writing project. Maybe that's a good thing? I don't know.
In case I try to engage you on my project and you actually read my blog, here's a little bit about it. We have to pick a character in a certain time period and we have to use real sources for that time period or event. So my characters are inspired by two of my middle school teachers who got married, he's this funny, dorky 7th grade science teacher and she used to teach 7th grade Language Arts. I'm gonna set them back a few years though - 1999/2000, back when there were so many threats of violence in schools. It's based on their disagreements, trying to start a family in such a threatening environment, and her miscarriages.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
My anxiety has gotten real bad and has seeped into my dreams. I keep having these realistic dreams (I hate when modern technology shows up in my dreams) and I wake up feeling like I'm having a panic attack.
I spent the morning playing with Fitz instead of reading for class. I'm going to get so far behind so fast all because I can't force myself to care or try. My appointment isn't until Thursday and I've already rung the hell out of my emergency contact. I need some kind of change.
I'm so close to graduating but I want to move back home so badly. I hate it here. Whatever portion of a good day I can manage to obtain just crashes. Thank God Fitz is so affectionate and cuddly. I would be so much worse off without Fitz.
I spent the morning playing with Fitz instead of reading for class. I'm going to get so far behind so fast all because I can't force myself to care or try. My appointment isn't until Thursday and I've already rung the hell out of my emergency contact. I need some kind of change.
I'm so close to graduating but I want to move back home so badly. I hate it here. Whatever portion of a good day I can manage to obtain just crashes. Thank God Fitz is so affectionate and cuddly. I would be so much worse off without Fitz.