Hold on to your tongues ladies and gentlemen, my pen is about to write a mouthful.
After a little hiatus, I'm ready to get back to my writings. One of my newest problems, ironic as it feels, is that I can't write anything good in my own house. For starters, I can't find any notebooks. How could I have taken all of mine to Athens? Surely I left something behind.
Then there was the factor that I let the stories come to me and the plots twist and develop with my pen, which left no concrete character development. So I took some time to find my characters.
Back in high school, Leslie made the perfect comment about the All-American Rejects. They were catchy, as all good pop is, but their vocabulary is slightly more evolved than pop music likes to go.
'My mind is just a crutch and I still hope/That you will miss me when I'm gone.' - The Last Song
'Be with me, please I beseech you.' - My Paper Heart
Swing, Swing was my favorite. I found it when I was best friends with Caila and it fit our lifestyle brilliantly. I think it's the keyboard in the beginning that I liked the most. Set on pipe organ it reminded me of Jack and Sally, which was at the center of our bestfriendship. Nowadays I get snippy and bitchy when people revel over The Nightmare Before Christmas and I think its because I will always think of Caila and the beginning of high school and wanting to fit in with all of her friends who gave a different definition to the word 'different' and that summer and the lake.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
posted by Songs of Love at 12:01 AM
Thursday, December 25, 2008
I should be asleep, anxious for the night to be over so I can open gifts.
I have no care in the world about the underside of my christmas tree.
It could just be that I feel no sense of time, since apparently the weather doesn't too, but it does not feel like Christmas is tomorrow. Even church tonight felt nothing like getting all dolled up for the evening service. Tomorrow will be just another Monday that I don't have school and get to sleep in, at least in my book. All I can think about is the future. My close friends have some kind of exciting travel in their future and I'm not even sure if my family will actually be able to survive together in Italy & Germany. The thought that I might actually get to leave this country is surreal.
I think most of all I'm jealous of Leslie. She's had this dream since, forever? Next year she'll be overseas studying what she wants to study, where she wants to study, when she wants to study. And then you take studying out of the picture and she's in England for a year and there are so many good shows and the fashion is mouth watering and she'll be able to go to Topshop and that's pretty much where I become jealous. I'm so so so proud of her and happy for her though, so the jealousy feels more or less like a minor emotion.
I have no care in the world about the underside of my christmas tree.
It could just be that I feel no sense of time, since apparently the weather doesn't too, but it does not feel like Christmas is tomorrow. Even church tonight felt nothing like getting all dolled up for the evening service. Tomorrow will be just another Monday that I don't have school and get to sleep in, at least in my book. All I can think about is the future. My close friends have some kind of exciting travel in their future and I'm not even sure if my family will actually be able to survive together in Italy & Germany. The thought that I might actually get to leave this country is surreal.
I think most of all I'm jealous of Leslie. She's had this dream since, forever? Next year she'll be overseas studying what she wants to study, where she wants to study, when she wants to study. And then you take studying out of the picture and she's in England for a year and there are so many good shows and the fashion is mouth watering and she'll be able to go to Topshop and that's pretty much where I become jealous. I'm so so so proud of her and happy for her though, so the jealousy feels more or less like a minor emotion.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Here's a list of things I love, the sarcastic relevant edition:
1) A constantly dying cell phone.
2) The worst computer access in my house.
3) Migraines.
4) Missing Nadia's phone calls.
5) Being inadvertently invited to a party.
[Edited due to idiocracy]
Will I regret this bitch fit later? Yeah, but I don't care enough to stop it because it's how I feel now. All swell and loved and missed and wanted.
I've been confused this whole time and it feels like this is the final haze. After this I should be able to see quite clearly.
EDIT: I'm still an idiot. I need more time to word why I suck so much. I know a few people who could give me something to say.
1) A constantly dying cell phone.
2) The worst computer access in my house.
3) Migraines.
4) Missing Nadia's phone calls.
5) Being inadvertently invited to a party.
[Edited due to idiocracy]
Will I regret this bitch fit later? Yeah, but I don't care enough to stop it because it's how I feel now. All swell and loved and missed and wanted.
I've been confused this whole time and it feels like this is the final haze. After this I should be able to see quite clearly.
EDIT: I'm still an idiot. I need more time to word why I suck so much. I know a few people who could give me something to say.
How come I'm so used to throwing myself into the plot of my stories but not the plot of my life?
After a long visit back to my bed earlier today, I'm still awake and wondering.
Could I really trigger and create a small grade migraine from willpower?
Then there's my thyroid. It's been acting up since 3rd grade. The doctors say the stress of moving could have triggered it and besides, it's genetic. Both of my grandma's have thyroid issues, yet it has skipped every other family member until me. How does that happen? Is mine just early onset? I just had my blood taken to check my thyroid levels. Turns out I'm not even again, and they have to up my dosage. Could that be because I have forgotten to take the meds more this past year than any other year?
Lastly, how long has my thyroid been acting up? It's a stupid chemical imbalance that affects my mood, my appearance, quite frankly my happiness. Am I to blame for this continual low that passes through me or is it the imbalance? Which until Friday I had no idea about.
Bleed American was a revolutionary album for Jimmy Eat World. The Middle was their first big real break that brought the most attention. I still remember seeing the music video as a kid and wondering if all wild parties ended with people dancing in their underwear. Hear You Me wasn't as well publicized, in my opinion, but it's beautiful. It makes me thing of Claire. A few year's back my friend lost her daughter the day before the due date. She named her Grace and though never having seen a day on earth, she has touched so many people with her story. I've always thought Hear You Me was her theme song.
After a long visit back to my bed earlier today, I'm still awake and wondering.
Could I really trigger and create a small grade migraine from willpower?
Then there's my thyroid. It's been acting up since 3rd grade. The doctors say the stress of moving could have triggered it and besides, it's genetic. Both of my grandma's have thyroid issues, yet it has skipped every other family member until me. How does that happen? Is mine just early onset? I just had my blood taken to check my thyroid levels. Turns out I'm not even again, and they have to up my dosage. Could that be because I have forgotten to take the meds more this past year than any other year?
Lastly, how long has my thyroid been acting up? It's a stupid chemical imbalance that affects my mood, my appearance, quite frankly my happiness. Am I to blame for this continual low that passes through me or is it the imbalance? Which until Friday I had no idea about.
Bleed American was a revolutionary album for Jimmy Eat World. The Middle was their first big real break that brought the most attention. I still remember seeing the music video as a kid and wondering if all wild parties ended with people dancing in their underwear. Hear You Me wasn't as well publicized, in my opinion, but it's beautiful. It makes me thing of Claire. A few year's back my friend lost her daughter the day before the due date. She named her Grace and though never having seen a day on earth, she has touched so many people with her story. I've always thought Hear You Me was her theme song.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
I may be one girl, but I have like what, five thousand moods?
With all of these finals I have lacked so much time to think about myself and figure things out today. I realized I was missing fun and then the opposite side of the spectrum, seriousness.
Am I fun?
Maybe like sometimes.
Am I serious?
I think that's more when I'm alone.
Fun.
Shopping with Lindsey in the grocery store, at the mall, and at the dollar tree is fun no matter what. Having Bunny there was better. I love that boy so much, especially for taking all of our jokes so well. He's such a good sport, even when he calls me Lola.
But Lindsey brought up something important. If you look in the archives, I rarely mention her. It really saddens me because the truth behind all of that is I feel like we barely touched base this past semester. It works both ways so maybe we should examine it both ways.
My side: I was always stressed about school, somewhat busy volunteering, and entirely busy NOT inviting anyone over to my place. My place just doesn't feel like home, so I try desperately to make my home in other places. Like Janie's on Wednesday nights, the SLC on Tuesdays, and Johns Creek on the weekends. I asked her to eat with me over and over again because I guess maybe I didn't just feel uncomfortable inviting her over but inviting myself over. In the beginning I was avoiding M. In the middle I just felt distanced. At the end I missed her terribly.
Her side: She had classes AND she had work with the little monsters, I mean kids. She lived with three once very close friends. Maybe she just didn't realize that with the new additions of David and Monica and their friends she was forgetting about her friend. Maybe we finished last year in the wrong way, with me falling apart and her washing her hands of drama.
Well Lindsey, this is your first blog. These are my thoughts, my feelings, my worries. Maybe I do have an anxiety disorder since I'm always worrying about the worrying. But, of course, I worry. I worry that I did something at the end that hurt us more than I've ever been able to see. Roommates seem like they shouldn't be THAT close. Maybe we were too close. Now I'm just afraid that as friends we're just reverting back to before we even got this close. Before Econ and Psych and Drivers Ed.
Hello serious. I saw 7 Pounds today. Probably where my serious side came from. Such a great movie though. It explains why I'm in the mood for The Spill Canvas. It's a twisted love story they sing of time after time, with a good measure of rock and another of, well I'm not sure. Rejection? Fear? Sadness? Longing? With maybe a tinge of loss?
Heaven's not a place that you go when you die. It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive, so live for the moment. - The Spill Canvas
With all of these finals I have lacked so much time to think about myself and figure things out today. I realized I was missing fun and then the opposite side of the spectrum, seriousness.
Am I fun?
Maybe like sometimes.
Am I serious?
I think that's more when I'm alone.
Fun.
Shopping with Lindsey in the grocery store, at the mall, and at the dollar tree is fun no matter what. Having Bunny there was better. I love that boy so much, especially for taking all of our jokes so well. He's such a good sport, even when he calls me Lola.
But Lindsey brought up something important. If you look in the archives, I rarely mention her. It really saddens me because the truth behind all of that is I feel like we barely touched base this past semester. It works both ways so maybe we should examine it both ways.
My side: I was always stressed about school, somewhat busy volunteering, and entirely busy NOT inviting anyone over to my place. My place just doesn't feel like home, so I try desperately to make my home in other places. Like Janie's on Wednesday nights, the SLC on Tuesdays, and Johns Creek on the weekends. I asked her to eat with me over and over again because I guess maybe I didn't just feel uncomfortable inviting her over but inviting myself over. In the beginning I was avoiding M. In the middle I just felt distanced. At the end I missed her terribly.
Her side: She had classes AND she had work with the little monsters, I mean kids. She lived with three once very close friends. Maybe she just didn't realize that with the new additions of David and Monica and their friends she was forgetting about her friend. Maybe we finished last year in the wrong way, with me falling apart and her washing her hands of drama.
Well Lindsey, this is your first blog. These are my thoughts, my feelings, my worries. Maybe I do have an anxiety disorder since I'm always worrying about the worrying. But, of course, I worry. I worry that I did something at the end that hurt us more than I've ever been able to see. Roommates seem like they shouldn't be THAT close. Maybe we were too close. Now I'm just afraid that as friends we're just reverting back to before we even got this close. Before Econ and Psych and Drivers Ed.
Hello serious. I saw 7 Pounds today. Probably where my serious side came from. Such a great movie though. It explains why I'm in the mood for The Spill Canvas. It's a twisted love story they sing of time after time, with a good measure of rock and another of, well I'm not sure. Rejection? Fear? Sadness? Longing? With maybe a tinge of loss?
Heaven's not a place that you go when you die. It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive, so live for the moment. - The Spill Canvas
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I found Backseat Goodbye on Last.fm one day and fell in love with Technicolor Eyes. Second semester last year it was my song. I stumbled upon Red Balloons today or last week or sometime and though not as cute as T.E., it's a sadder side of Backseat Goodbye that I can appreciate.
For some reason, let's call it finals week, I made a twitter. I have to be spreading myself too socially thin by now. I can not wait to scream my newest playlists at the world, i mean share.
M83, MGMT, & The Cardigans? Love it!
Jenn and I finally got back into our T/R groove and had dinner at Transmet. (Cheese Tortellini Alfredo YUM!) There was lots of talking about relationships and I thought it was perfect conversation for this blog. (I'm also beginning to think if I channel my energies I could start writing really crappy advice columns.)
Appropriate Topics
1. If you say you've had enough of "this" and hang up without warning, you have no right to get upset if the other person turns off their phone. That is just one way of giving you your space.
2. You can never EVER take back an 'I love you' if it had meaning. I don't care how much you want to tear another person apart, if there are witnesses and there was emotion, than it was love and there are no take backs with love. It just happens. Suck it.
3. If your best friend seriously wants to beat up your ex but is too nice to get the job done, be extremely appreciative of this thing called "Best Friends by Association." I may talk some shit, but Nadia is the shit.
4. Nothing sounds sweeter than an "i love you" from your best friend during finals week.
5. When someone tells you that they love you, PLEASE rewrite the book of love and do NOT say it back to them immediately. Find your own moment, and say it when you feel it.
6. When your best friend and you are at a restaurant during finals week and she is telling you a story that's making her sadder, dance vigorously in your seat when We Got the Beat comes on. And please, if your hair is long enough, shake your head hard enough so that your hair flies out. This should bring a big smile to your friend's face. The Go-Go's will appreciate it too.
7. If my best friend comes to visit for my birthday and you are so trashed that you flirt with her boyfriend, that's one thing. When you continue to flirt with him when you are sober, that's a whole 'nother ball game. P.S. Offering to buy him a sex bomb is as smart as voting for George W. Bush.
Heart to Heart
My last final is tomorrow at 12, so I think, maybe, I can spare a few more moments for one of those heart to heart moments. Hot guys, if you're female and you're straight/bi, you love them. If you're a homosexual male, you do too. Hot guys just have this ability to make you smile your little dreamy smile and in those few seconds your eyes meet, well, those few moments are personal I'm sure. (I Need Some Fine Wine And You, You Need To Be Nicer just came on by The Cardigans and I love the way she starts the song. So sexy.)
Back to the touchy moment with the hot guy. OH! not in that way. Okay, so Jenn & I are talking, waiting for our food, & I'm people watching when she notices that I've noticed somebody. She claims that my face lights up, yeah whatever. So we finish our meal and flash the hot guy smiles on our way out, and we leave one subject completely untouched. As we usually do. My shyness, while possibly endearing and cute and most definitely stubborn and annoying, continues to prohibit me from making any move, consciously flirty, and - in extreme cases of hotness - making eye contact. So from my shy heart to yours, please, please please please, do not be as shy as I am in matters of the heart.
For some reason, let's call it finals week, I made a twitter. I have to be spreading myself too socially thin by now. I can not wait to scream my newest playlists at the world, i mean share.
M83, MGMT, & The Cardigans? Love it!
Jenn and I finally got back into our T/R groove and had dinner at Transmet. (Cheese Tortellini Alfredo YUM!) There was lots of talking about relationships and I thought it was perfect conversation for this blog. (I'm also beginning to think if I channel my energies I could start writing really crappy advice columns.)
Appropriate Topics
1. If you say you've had enough of "this" and hang up without warning, you have no right to get upset if the other person turns off their phone. That is just one way of giving you your space.
2. You can never EVER take back an 'I love you' if it had meaning. I don't care how much you want to tear another person apart, if there are witnesses and there was emotion, than it was love and there are no take backs with love. It just happens. Suck it.
3. If your best friend seriously wants to beat up your ex but is too nice to get the job done, be extremely appreciative of this thing called "Best Friends by Association." I may talk some shit, but Nadia is the shit.
4. Nothing sounds sweeter than an "i love you" from your best friend during finals week.
5. When someone tells you that they love you, PLEASE rewrite the book of love and do NOT say it back to them immediately. Find your own moment, and say it when you feel it.
6. When your best friend and you are at a restaurant during finals week and she is telling you a story that's making her sadder, dance vigorously in your seat when We Got the Beat comes on. And please, if your hair is long enough, shake your head hard enough so that your hair flies out. This should bring a big smile to your friend's face. The Go-Go's will appreciate it too.
7. If my best friend comes to visit for my birthday and you are so trashed that you flirt with her boyfriend, that's one thing. When you continue to flirt with him when you are sober, that's a whole 'nother ball game. P.S. Offering to buy him a sex bomb is as smart as voting for George W. Bush.
Heart to Heart
My last final is tomorrow at 12, so I think, maybe, I can spare a few more moments for one of those heart to heart moments. Hot guys, if you're female and you're straight/bi, you love them. If you're a homosexual male, you do too. Hot guys just have this ability to make you smile your little dreamy smile and in those few seconds your eyes meet, well, those few moments are personal I'm sure. (I Need Some Fine Wine And You, You Need To Be Nicer just came on by The Cardigans and I love the way she starts the song. So sexy.)
Back to the touchy moment with the hot guy. OH! not in that way. Okay, so Jenn & I are talking, waiting for our food, & I'm people watching when she notices that I've noticed somebody. She claims that my face lights up, yeah whatever. So we finish our meal and flash the hot guy smiles on our way out, and we leave one subject completely untouched. As we usually do. My shyness, while possibly endearing and cute and most definitely stubborn and annoying, continues to prohibit me from making any move, consciously flirty, and - in extreme cases of hotness - making eye contact. So from my shy heart to yours, please, please please please, do not be as shy as I am in matters of the heart.
Labels: Backseat Goodbye, Heart to Heart, Jenn, Nadia, Twitter
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
I have two finals tomorrow, what better time to blog!
Today is beyond random. I may have asked a few people about their t-shirt sizes and I may have not asked so many people. I also suck at being mysterious.
Music time. It is time for some new concerts and I have just the shows in mind!
I have got to stop procrastinating. All I want to do is listen to good music and think up new tattoo designs. Instead I am translating Latin for the thirdbillionth time. Jenn will have to get over it, because thirdbillionth is just my newest phrase word.
Work time. Back to the Rockstar and the twizzlers and the Mountain Dew and the water bottles and oh yeah, the Latin.
Today is beyond random. I may have asked a few people about their t-shirt sizes and I may have not asked so many people. I also suck at being mysterious.
Music time. It is time for some new concerts and I have just the shows in mind!
Of Montreal - Haley and I are seeing them New Years Eve. Will be lots of fun!!!
If you're interested buy a ticket now before they sell out.
Manchester
Orchestra - I know they're playing in Atlanta soon, but certain people should
come visit me in Athens to go to their show at the 40 Watt. Leslie? Red?
...Sarah? The show's next Tuesday, with Kevin Devine and Dead Confederate. C'mon
pleaseeeeee! It's only $10 +$2 at the door if you're under 21.
I have got to stop procrastinating. All I want to do is listen to good music and think up new tattoo designs. Instead I am translating Latin for the thirdbillionth time. Jenn will have to get over it, because thirdbillionth is just my newest phrase word.
Work time. Back to the Rockstar and the twizzlers and the Mountain Dew and the water bottles and oh yeah, the Latin.
Labels: 40 Watt, college, finals, Leslie, live shows, Manchester Orchestra, procrastinating, Red, Sarah, translating
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Jennifer better get ready. If they're gonna make her work during and after finals, she better be ready for some intense blaring of Sex On Fire. Hell, of all of Only By The Night. I spent so much time loving Aha Shake Heartbreak the most that I didn't realize when I switched to loving the memories of ASH over the songs themselves the most. I'm ready to make some new memories.
The rest of my finals are going to drive me crazy, but when I'm through the best way to release all of that built up energy is to find a dance floor and work it off. Especially since I'm starting to choreograph a dance for Crawl. I haven't tried to choreograph anything in forever, but its a great workout and its a lot of fun. Sure if anyone caught me dancing I'd blush deep red, but that's besides the point.
Crawl is a little harder because the tempo is not meant for dancing, but it reminds me of the beginning of Vogue. There's a lot of posing and hitting the next intriguing impossibly seriously flexible pose by the next snap. Working with Crawl is like creating this perfect balance of posing and counting two for each beat. Maybe I'm just crazy.
As a gesture to the diva herself, the inclusion of the beautiful Vogue.
(Please, we all know you're from Detroit. - Westney)
The rest of my finals are going to drive me crazy, but when I'm through the best way to release all of that built up energy is to find a dance floor and work it off. Especially since I'm starting to choreograph a dance for Crawl. I haven't tried to choreograph anything in forever, but its a great workout and its a lot of fun. Sure if anyone caught me dancing I'd blush deep red, but that's besides the point.
Crawl is a little harder because the tempo is not meant for dancing, but it reminds me of the beginning of Vogue. There's a lot of posing and hitting the next intriguing impossibly seriously flexible pose by the next snap. Working with Crawl is like creating this perfect balance of posing and counting two for each beat. Maybe I'm just crazy.
As a gesture to the diva herself, the inclusion of the beautiful Vogue.
(Please, we all know you're from Detroit. - Westney)
Maggie gave me the Twilight soundtrack and now that I have no headphones, all I want to do is listen to it and see if its worth judging differently than the movie.
I have said all along that I will not join in on the discussion of this Twilight fandemonium.
(Spell check is not with me on this whole making new words up business.)
I don't want to be a part of it. I don't like giving an opinion on the books or movie as an outsider to all of this trend setting buzz. I didn't even want to see the movie, many can attest to this. The problem with my friends is that we've been reading the same books since grade school, and despite the flows of the popular taste, we go to every movie that comes out to a book or series that we've read, together. (All of this just to defend the title of this entry, geesh.) Anyway, my one big comment was that I liked the soundtrack. I was a bit annoyed that they put more Paramore on there than Muse, seeing as Muse is the author's fav band ever and head of all inspiration. Whatever.
I just finished my psych final. My Psych two-essays-out-of-the-five-she-gave-us, the-two-hardest-worst-essays-that-she-could-have-graced-us-with. Oh Psychology...I think it's a love/hate relationship that exists between us. Thank you for giving me more tools to shape my characters. Thank you for also reiterating basic common facts about human existence and spitting them up on my shirt. Love ya!
I have said all along that I will not join in on the discussion of this Twilight fandemonium.
(Spell check is not with me on this whole making new words up business.)
I don't want to be a part of it. I don't like giving an opinion on the books or movie as an outsider to all of this trend setting buzz. I didn't even want to see the movie, many can attest to this. The problem with my friends is that we've been reading the same books since grade school, and despite the flows of the popular taste, we go to every movie that comes out to a book or series that we've read, together. (All of this just to defend the title of this entry, geesh.) Anyway, my one big comment was that I liked the soundtrack. I was a bit annoyed that they put more Paramore on there than Muse, seeing as Muse is the author's fav band ever and head of all inspiration. Whatever.
I just finished my psych final. My Psych two-essays-out-of-the-five-she-gave-us, the-two-hardest-worst-essays-that-she-could-have-graced-us-with. Oh Psychology...I think it's a love/hate relationship that exists between us. Thank you for giving me more tools to shape my characters. Thank you for also reiterating basic common facts about human existence and spitting them up on my shirt. Love ya!
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
I need to make friends with some audio/video boy and we can make the updated version of Clarissa Explains It All. I mean it's perfect, we'll just put a midget ladder up and *BAM* there's some guy climbing in my window, jumping over my desk, and listening to me gab on and on about my worldly woes.
Monday, December 1, 2008
It's 3:30 in the morning and I'm still up working on my Public Relations project that is due tomorrow. Correction, today. I will not think of how many hours I have. eeek.
As I just told Haley, "It's 3:30 and i'm typing. I myself am amazed. Someone needs to document this and then force me to go to bed. Probably physically take away my keyboard. Aghhhhhhhh."
It's 3:30 AM and for some dumb reason I still have windows open for facebook and my gmail. No one is going to email me at 3:30 in the morning. Why do I have that up? I haven't the slightest idea. So I blog instead.
As I just told Haley, "It's 3:30 and i'm typing. I myself am amazed. Someone needs to document this and then force me to go to bed. Probably physically take away my keyboard. Aghhhhhhhh."
It's 3:30 AM and for some dumb reason I still have windows open for facebook and my gmail. No one is going to email me at 3:30 in the morning. Why do I have that up? I haven't the slightest idea. So I blog instead.