I know I’m not going to make my reading goal but I’m having fun trying. YA, Rom Comy easy reads, childhood classics, freaky sci-fi twists, On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous. Like hot damn. That is some title. Oh yeah, Charlotte’s Web too.

Anyway I got distracted by my reading & haven’t been posting what’s on my mind. FKA all day.

I finally went to the dark side (the mall), put my Slytherin best on, and sat at a table full of strangers. It was slightly terrifying at first, but this is the most anti eye contact activity ever! It was the easiest way to feel comfortable with people of all types. Yes, I went down the gamers tunnel and found myself surrounded by Harry Potter fans of all ages and it was really awesome!

I started with the Facebook groups but I just didn’t connect to the newbie posts and the bragging and I don’t know, I kept going back but I felt like I was judging others. I also felt like it was surprisingly strange that my demographic didn’t seem represented in the posts. But maybe we’re all just silent listeners. So then I stumbled on this gaming app and I found what I had been looking for. Support, tips, community. I went to the meet up and had a great time. This one guy who was on my team is a Chemistry Professor. And one girl is a vet. It was a mix of people with nothing in common and everything in common.

That’s what I’ve been looking for for so long. New friends. My voice back. Pure nerdy laughter.

Labels: Harry Potter, Wizards Unite

The mysterious ways of the universe finds you drowning in despair one day and drowning in snot the next.  No matter how hard you are on yourself, a fun cold or sinus infection will bring out your will to live, and get better.

It was a true sinus infection and then it became a true nuisance. I miss the ability to breathe during the day. Or the ability to keep my voice in the afternoon. And I think it’s the worst that there aren’t cats at work. My stress would be so much less with a purr machine lying on all my papers or blocking the keyboard. Work’s cancelled until your cat boss is finished napping! Like losing the internet at work!

Really though, the cats are the ones keeping my spirits up. They take turns cuddling me to sleep and it’s the best.

I need to find a new therapist, but then I remembered how much money easily slipped out of my bank account the last time I had one. It’s okay cause the setting sun makes it easier to catch up on my reading. It doesn’t feel like I’ll reach my reading goal this year, but I’ve enjoyed every book I’ve read and am glad I made a commitment to return to something I love and stuck with it.

The part about reading is all true, but, also, it’s not okay. I’m two phone calls away from a panic attack these days. My anxiety is hardly bearable. It floods me with all these negative thoughts and I am skinning my palms trying to get a firm grasp on the truth. I pray my feelings aren’t the truth. I pray I’m worth more than how I feel.

I moved up Furiously Happy on my reading list. It never feels safe listening to someone else talk about their depression. Not when I’m at my best and especially not when I’m careening towards a depressive spell. But I’ve pretty much pushed everyone away. I don’t really talk outside of being talked to. I don’t even talk aloud to myself much anymore. Now it’s too dark to escape to nature after work. Being furiously happy sounds too exhausting to me, but I’m praying there is something there for me. Because my hair is the red of all my dreams and I’m still not happy.