In other news, I may now have a sensitivity to poison ivy. I know, one more thing I needed. I moved my compost bin to mow that part of the yard and apparently picked poison ivy and then wiped hair out of my face aka spread poison ivy to my chin, check and below my eyebrow. So hats & headbands are a must?

Last time it fucked with me for almost two weeks. This time I’m not waking up scratching my skin off, so that’s a positive. On Sunday I actually woke up with Q in my arms. My alarm to water the garden went off and I realized I had this little big cuddle cat purring against my chest. I snoozed the alarm twice. The garden survived.

Also, also I was listening to Big Star which makes me think of Pavement, well really I think of Rob Sheffield and he makes me think of Pavement. I can’t remember how I found his book. I feel like I read it over summer break.

I see the sunshine in your eyes
I’ll try the things you’ll never try

I feel like Lindsay would know. We spoke for so long tonight and I feel like I got a piece of myself back. I miss her all the time but never reach out. So I did and now I want to be 20 again looking for all the possibilities. The best friendships permeate time and space. I think she also introduced me to The Time Traveler’s Wife so that analogy is a little bit kismet.

Labels: friendship, missing pieces, Pavement, poison ivy

I've been worried for so long now.  I tried digging a new flower bed to work through my feelings at the beginning, but all I know is that my heart is heavy and hand tools cause less back ache than shovels.

Through everything my heart keeps being pulled back to my ex.  He was a close friend before we were involved and we struggled to hold onto that friendship many times.  Most of the time that I look back at our relationship I just feel so awful for all that I put him through.  For not seeking treatment for my depression and sinking into myself instead of reaching out for help and taking some of that strain off of our relationship. Through it all I always wished the best for him.

We agreed not speaking would be best for him.  And I broke that, repeatedly.  I tried not to.  I tried to hold myself back, but I made a few more stupid decisions.  Then my heart was just overflowing with this feeling and I had to share it and it was embarrassing and it hurt, but it also came from a place of love so big that I couldn't contain it.

Right now, with everything going on in this country, it's not the time to put myself first or talk about what struggle I'm going through.  Yes, there are professional resources out there where it would be appropriate.  However, there is also this feeling of relief that comes with saying what's on your mind and telling the 3 session back story is not that.  So I am pretty certain no one reads Libby anymore.  I don't think I've spoken about Libby with anyone I've met since college so I'm going to put it out here.

I miss him. I miss his friendship. I miss his mixtapes and our music connection.  There's a piece of him that became a piece of me and I carry it in my heart and my heart is just breaking right now and I don't know what will happen to that piece. Will it shatter and puncture the rest of my heart?  Will it support and lead the rest of my heart?  Will it someday fade into another piece?  I was so naive to think that there were so many people who shared my outlook on race and I was so irresponsible to not talk about it more and try to share kindness and love and anti-racism.  Because now I just worry about him constantly.

And I know that no news
No news is good news
But that always felt backwards
And I still haven't heard from you


I just feel like I was selfish and stupid too many times and he doesn't need to hear from me. So this is me now.  I don't know who would tell me if anything happened to him.  I just pray that no one ever does.  And I have to pray that no news is the best damn news I can get.

And also I fucking love this mix and don't care who he made it for or why he made it and maybe a small part is that he made it, but it's a fucking great mix and it makes me want to polish the two mixes I made that I keep slipping back into.

Labels: all the feelings, gardening, We used to be friends.

It’s hard to watch someone slowly fade into death. But it’s not that slow because you have time to notice how thin their face is and yellow their skin looks and confused their eyes look, when they’re open. Hospice is just the cruel cousin of assisted suicide. You hope the drugs are at all the right doses so that your loved one can’t feel death pull and twist their insides.

It’s miserable watching someone lose their parent, child, spouse, friend. Not able to touch them. Not able to hold them in their arms. Not able to squeeze their hand or whisper in their ear. Someone covered in plastic, praying they make it home to their own families, holds your loved one in their arms. I semi quarantined myself with my parents. I go there to work & eat and then I go home to my house. So I was there when she couldn’t hug her grandchildren. I was there when she couldn’t fly to her father’s side. I took the hugs and the hand holding and the concerns and ran the meetings so she could say, “Dad, remember when” and share her stories. Remember when you walked into the ocean. Remember when. The hardest was always, “Dad, open your eyes.”

But never having the chance to say goodbye, that would be gut wrenching.

I want to march. I want to be out there. It’s not the time to sit still. It’s not the time to use my words. At the same time, I can’t bring a virus to my still grieving family. So I go out in the world and try to be a force for good. Petition. Call. Vote. Send love.

I’m a sunflower standing tall, leaning, looking for the light to spread my leaves. Stay in the light. Then radiate the light. Glow. Lift up. Support. Stand strong.

And after listening to Neutral Milk Hotel, we must stare.  We must sing.  We must run.  We must plunge.

And then we'll get down there
Way down to the very bottom of everything
And then we'll see it, we'll see it, we'll see it

Labels: At the Bottom of Everything, be positive, be present, be the good, Bright Eyes, Neutral Milk Hotel, Turn Back Into You