I've been worried for so long now.  I tried digging a new flower bed to work through my feelings at the beginning, but all I know is that my heart is heavy and hand tools cause less back ache than shovels.

Through everything my heart keeps being pulled back to my ex.  He was a close friend before we were involved and we struggled to hold onto that friendship many times.  Most of the time that I look back at our relationship I just feel so awful for all that I put him through.  For not seeking treatment for my depression and sinking into myself instead of reaching out for help and taking some of that strain off of our relationship. Through it all I always wished the best for him.

We agreed not speaking would be best for him.  And I broke that, repeatedly.  I tried not to.  I tried to hold myself back, but I made a few more stupid decisions.  Then my heart was just overflowing with this feeling and I had to share it and it was embarrassing and it hurt, but it also came from a place of love so big that I couldn't contain it.

Right now, with everything going on in this country, it's not the time to put myself first or talk about what struggle I'm going through.  Yes, there are professional resources out there where it would be appropriate.  However, there is also this feeling of relief that comes with saying what's on your mind and telling the 3 session back story is not that.  So I am pretty certain no one reads Libby anymore.  I don't think I've spoken about Libby with anyone I've met since college so I'm going to put it out here.

I miss him. I miss his friendship. I miss his mixtapes and our music connection.  There's a piece of him that became a piece of me and I carry it in my heart and my heart is just breaking right now and I don't know what will happen to that piece. Will it shatter and puncture the rest of my heart?  Will it support and lead the rest of my heart?  Will it someday fade into another piece?  I was so naive to think that there were so many people who shared my outlook on race and I was so irresponsible to not talk about it more and try to share kindness and love and anti-racism.  Because now I just worry about him constantly.

And I know that no news
No news is good news
But that always felt backwards
And I still haven't heard from you


I just feel like I was selfish and stupid too many times and he doesn't need to hear from me. So this is me now.  I don't know who would tell me if anything happened to him.  I just pray that no one ever does.  And I have to pray that no news is the best damn news I can get.

And also I fucking love this mix and don't care who he made it for or why he made it and maybe a small part is that he made it, but it's a fucking great mix and it makes me want to polish the two mixes I made that I keep slipping back into.

Labels: all the feelings, gardening, We used to be friends.