I'm starting to appreciate my mom a lot more these days. Charlotte doesn't cuddle with me like Bijou does with Sarah. She really doesn't cuddle with me at all if she's not super tired. Charlotte still licks my cheeks after I cry though, so I know she loves me. Anyway, I've come to realize my mom is so much more comforting than my dog. I mean, Mom has to be in mom mode and not overwhelmed with her own life, but I've tried to be there for her when she's in Sheryl mode. The other day she was having a horrible time at work, which I can relate to now, so I texted her to check up on her. She said she just prayed for patience. I look up to her so much.

When I think about it, no one ever writes me apologizing or asking for forgiveness. I am always making idiotic mistakes and then asking someone to forgive me. I don't do it often, I also don't pick many fights. But I have to wonder how much I have grown as a person if I am still hurting people in ways that could have been easily avoided.

You can't live your life expecting God to wipe all your sins clean and people to forget all your faults and misgivings. It's your responsibility to make it better, to straighten the situation or the relationship out as best as your ability. OR to just live with the consequences. That's usually how people grow. It makes them stronger.

What am I missing? Why am I still acting so weak?

No one is here anymore. I tried reaching out, mostly to the people I find easily to reach to. No one lives here anymore. Not in the summer at least. It's understandable, it just sucks. The only people who are left, who I have vaguely made attempts to see seem to have lots of summer plans. Which is again understandable, but sucks.

I only get to see my boyfriend and Athens friends on the weekend when I can travel to them. I know it's completely useless for any of them to drive here to see me for just a few hours one day, but I daydream about it. I can't help myself. There's plenty of shopping opportunities around me. You could go shopping and then come to my place for dinner or I could meet you somewhere or else I could... is how this fantasy plays out in my head with a variety of characters. I hate the idea that I have to pay for the gas to get there, travel all by myself after working all day (which feels just like being alone all day except with added pressure and an ounce of terror) and then get hassled by mother to make it back in time for dinner Sunday night. I left my good pillows there. I get the laziest Southern accent there. I miss having free time.

Degrassi has reminded me to be thankful though, cause at least I don't have gonorrhea.
(Degrassi the Next Generation, of course. Season 4, Emma goes to the Ravine, gives Jay head and gets gonorrhea in return. Yes my life is much better than that.)

Haircuts do have the power to change people. I knew a boy once, fairly cute. Got the douchiest haircut and became a complete asshole. The funny thing is he looks like one now too.

I got my hair cut. It looks boring, and thus I feel boring. Unsure and in the way like fresh bangs. Average but floppy. I swear this cut looks long but feels so short. I usually take a before and after picture, for the record, so I know what I want. I didn't. I rather wish this was the before.

Loneliness. Loneliness is making your father hold your hand. Starved for human touch. Loneliness is leaving all of your worries on your face. Crying when someone steals your mood and leaves you empty.

I have no words for these people in this house. None that they want to hear. Leave me alone.

So contradictory of all the moods I feel in my second home. There I long for my family when loneliness creeps up my back. Here I want....well I don't know what I want. To be left alone by everyone but not forgotten? I don't know. It's dangerous territory there. I don't want to go back.