I am secretly still scared of this week. If I can get to Thursday everything will be fine and the only change will remain unnoticeable. In fact, it won't really be a change at all, just a recommitment to life made silently amongst a steady support of friends.

This has been a totally unwanted stress, something that no one could have prepared me for. I feel like this has really made me reevaluate my life, which is not the best time as far as the stress from my school work. I don't want to look back on my days and only recall the negative. I still have my dreams to travel, but I don't want to live every day waiting for that preplanned adventure. My spring break trip taught me to look back on each day and reflect on the positive. I keep thinking about my worries and my concerns - graduating, finding a job, finding myself in the business world, and my gigantic concern that I'll be all alone. I've been trying really hard to reconnect with the friends who mean so much to me so that I won't lose touch after graduation. I want to visit people and have people over. I guess I can't completely say goodbye to Athens. I think I'm struggling with the idea that some people will move out of state and that's just how life is. The people you love the most are not always going to conveniently live in the same town as you.

But I'm jumping the gun, I don't have to grow up completely right now. I'm just going to keep listening to my In Case of Emergency mix and snuggling the kitty tonight.

I first started liking The Redwalls because I thought they sounded a bit like The Beatles. I love this song because it reminds me of being not drunk, but a little tipsy. Maybe cause I like to sing it in a slur, or a drawl. Both I catch myself doing while tipsy.

Despite having a paper to finish, I found myself really nostalgic late tonight. I started rereading and editing my last updates in my Kaely piece and then I found myself listening to mixes I made while trying to write my Kaely piece. I am so impressed with some of the stuff I wrote. I know I've been coming back to this piece for the past four years, but there are scenes that I can hardly recognize they sound so intelligent. Every once and a while I am quite impressed with my word choice, probably because I started writing this when I was so young and I expect to find an eighteen year old's vocabulary. There's still a lot of moving from a to b required in this piece but I'm really glad I didn't rush it. The piece has definitely matured with me and the characters have taken paths I could not have foreseen at eighteen, nineteen, twenty.

I think one of the reasons I connected so easily with Kayley is because I knew I could trust her. I knew it in her name.

Labels: editing, Kaely, The Beatles, The Redwalls, writing

I want to go back to St. Louis so badly right now. I'm having problems applying the life lessons I learned on the trip to life in Athens. Now I just start randomly crying and I feel crappy all the time. Apparently this is happening to a few people from my trip, and we all want to go back. We're talking about going back on our own in May, which would mean the world to me, but is not today. Thankfully everyone on my trip gets along and we've all become a great support network. One of the girls is going to Panera with me tonight just so I don't go alone twice this week.

I've been sick this whole week and I'm not getting better. The Health Center thinks I have a virus and so they can't prescribe anything for me. "Just take Mucinex D and cough syrup and continue drinking lots of liquids." Lies. Nothing is getting better. I'm supposed to make another appointment if it doesn't get better but I've never had something where Day 4 was just as crappy as Day 2.

Fitz has been so loveable. My horrendous coughing does not scare him nor wake him from his blissful kitty sleep. Fitz is going to have to learn to love the car because I am not leaving him behind any time soon.

I guess it really bothers me that I can't maintain a positive spirit here. I miss this one resident, Bruce, who made us feel welcome from day one at Doorways. Bruce has been HIV positive for almost twenty years and when we were there he went to a doctor's visit where he found out he has cancer. But Bruce didn't let that break his smile or stop him from telling us stories and listening to ours. His hugs are so tight, like you've known each other for years, and it's shocking afterward, to realize that a man who's that physically weak can give an embrace that strong. He gave us really good advice which now seems almost hard to put in use here. Right now I'm struggling most with, "If something bothers you, don't let it."

I opened up to my ASB group about my kitten poems and my daydream of writing a children's book of poems about cats (& now I'm thinking pets in general). In my last creative writing class I wrote about cats in almost all of my in class writing exercises so I have to dig around and read them again. They're mostly lighthearted and simple, but they just make me happy. Maybe writing silly cat poems is what I need in order to avoid writer's block.

I finally shared this one with Kayley. I don't have a title for it yet but I guess I regard it as the flamingo poem. Definitely a work in progress. The guy in the poem can either be a cat or a guy, though towards the end it sounds less like a cat.

I sewed the pink flamingo's throat,
knotted the ends so you won't see
the flesh and gauze contained in she.
Said cautiously in a note.

He told me of a gaping mouse
that he had no skill in thread.
I was on my way to bed
but yearned to visit his house.

A string of baby blue
hid silently in my pocket
for the boy inside my locket -
for his confusion to subdue.

I never patched his holes when
I was his, he covered them
so I wouldn't pity him.
How I want to return to then.

I would fill his holes and
feed his cat. He could
trust me, for I would
never let go his hand.

A long time ago I held all of the bad things in until they weakened me. Then I found someone who could comfort me during the worst of the bad things. It's hard to stay strong when the natural disasters of your life strike. Having someone to hold onto you, pull your hair back and whisper I'm here is so simple but sometimes the only thing you need.

I've been trying to mend things back myself but I still fall when everything builds up against me. This week taught me that I have so many people to lean on and call on. Still, separating from them today was hard. A lot harder after the events of last night. I wanted so badly to call on that one person today. I wanted to feel the pieces come back together in the safety of his arms, but I'm afraid he's lost the glue...or I'm not allowed to ask for the glue? We promised to still be there if it was something really important, but I couldn't bear to ask for help.

I wish I had a comfort mix that worked as well as comfort food. My throat is swollen from today so I haven't been able to swallow comfort foods. Fitz's purring has helped me calm down some, but I really wish I had someone to fall asleep against.

Labels: We used to be friends.

Nothing could have prepared me for last night. We were so scared and shocked and worried. Someone's life was in my hands last night and I really hope we made the right decisions. I'm still so worried for my friend. We waited up with her the whole night and took her to get some help this morning.

This past week spent with the residents of Doorways really helped me reevaluate life. There is so much in life worth living for and you can't let your worries stop you from living your life to the fullest. The people I met didn't let having HIV/AIDS destroy them. They resonate positivity. After everything that happened last night and last week I just want to embrace life.

I am not ready for this week or what it means to me. I'm really glad I'm doing Alternative Spring Break, it's a good thing that I'm proud to be a part of, but I am really afraid of emotionally combusting this week.

I really think I need this week to not talk to him. Talking has been going well. It's a bit confusing trying to stir friend emotions and friend responses because they don't always come naturally anymore. I really needed the month spent not communicating with him. It really helped me out but the longer the silence lasted these knots filled my stomach. All of my friend feelings that transformed or merged into romantic feelings felt iced over when they weren't allowed to be anymore. I had this overwhelming feeling that he hated me. I knew I was being unreasonable but all those left out feelings were on strike.

I have a whole year's perspective on how things began and still, after everything that's happened, I still wish this week was my spring break from last year. All I wanted to do today was drive to his house, knock on his door and enter into the adorable and exciting experience of last year. And that is exactly why I need this week of having no internet access. I don't want to ruin the remains of our friendship. Losing his friendship & feeling shunned was harder than the worst events of my sophomore year.

Today I have felt overwhelmingly sad for no reason. It's just like this unjustifiable sadness crept up on me. Hormones? Maybe. When I got home today Fitz cuddled up against my legs while I finished watching Pushing Daisies, so I swung him around to cuddle against my chest and he was so sleepy that he stayed and made cute sleepy faces. It was nice and he was so adorable, but then I just felt even more sad. What if this is my life?

There was a free pancake dinner at the Lutheran church in Athens that I was really looking forward to going to. Only there's no way I could hide all this sadness there and that would just be uncomfortable. I need a hug.

Labels: all the feelings, cuddle, Fitz, Pushing Daisies

Lindsey made a great comment that this song plays at great moments in shows & movies. I agree but there's something overwhelmingly saddening in Cat Power's songs, or at least the ones I like. Her voice is smooth and soft, almost like it follows in motown's footsteps but not really. It's beautiful and it's sad and no matter how a show or film tries to use it that's how I feel about it.

I don't know if it's a side effect from watching shows aimed for teens, Pretty Little Liars, or if it's the music or if it's an accumulation of sad days and better days but I want to cuddle with someone so badly. Make out with a guy, cuddle with someone warm, hold hands with someone sweet, smile with a cute stranger. That's the current range of my Wanting Something Sweet meter. I want my little dial to click click click from one to the next. But I know I'm not ready. The only dial going click click click in my life is on a countdown to graduation and job search panic mode.

Labels: cuddle, swoon, wanting something sweet

Oh boys, boys, boys. Cool your jets. Take some time when you get home and think about this friend request, really think about it, and if you are going to send it tonight, please please please don't include a message. Play It Cool Boy needs to make it in the hands of all those awkward high school boys once they start college.

I had a lot of fun tonight and I made the very bold step of befriending a guy at a party. Having gone to the same high school was really my only life jacket topic when the party mysteriously emptied but thankfully the party rose again with a kickass dance floor. Boy tried to convince me he could throw awesome dance parties but he had the most basic set of awkward white boy dance moves. Maybe he does have good taste in music, but I've been kind of spoiled with top notch Dance Partyyys and I just have very high standards set.

How does one politely say: It was really nice meeting you and I'm so so glad you didn't ask for my number but if I accept your friend request please don't facebook stalk me. ???

Congratulations in order for me, from me:
1) 2 parties, 2 Strongbows generously spaced: easily sober & capable of driving home and no future hang over for me.
2) Drove a boy home for walking me to my car in a sketch part of town: did not get hit on, except minor invitation to hang out at 3am, did not have to share my number.
3) Made a new friend at the second party: did not look like a complete loser.
4) Wore a kickass top & kitten heals & skinny jeans & leather jacket: looked adorable/sassy.

I went to see Matt Costa play in a little venue in Atlanta, fall of 2008. His music was cheery but folksy. He was so tall, so tall, and ruggedly handsome, but so so drunk. I was pissed that he was drunk but I swooned anyway. When he performed it was hard not to. He makes the kind of music that I wanted boys to put on mixtapes for me in high school.

These songs are as bad as wine is for me. Once the swooning starts I am an intoxicated fool. I want to cuddle close to someone. I want a fresh kiss. I want a magical bliss. Stupid, stupid swooning.

Labels: live shows, mixtapes, swoon

I've been making a lot of lists lately. Today's list is:

A List of My Day's Accomplishments = Why I'm so Tired
1. Spent the morning studying.
2. Roman Cities Midterm.
3. ASB phone tag.
4. ASB paperwork.
5. Shower.
6. Clean bathtub/tile.
7. Clean bathroom counter tops.
8. Swiffer floor.
9. Vacuum bedroom.
10. Clean Vacuum.
11. Vacuum next room.
12. Dry hair.

Labels: lists

My last undergraduate midterm: 2:00 Park Hall. Technically it's a 2 part, 2 day midterm.

I've always had a problem of putting seniors on pedestals. They're older and have been here longer and they're obviously so much cooler and they are SO MUCH smarter than meager little me. I've always hated pedestals. I always expect senior year to be more of an ego boost, but I feel no different. And it doesn't matter. What underclassmen think of me as a senior means nothing now. I'm still trying to figure it all out. I'm still a kid.

But maybe it's time for me to make mistakes somewhere else. Maybe a move will cure my nightmares. Maybe a move will push me into my deepest corporate fears. A vacation in the real world. And then a graduate program, my choice. Finally a chance where I get to really look at schools and programs and make my own choice.

What if you believe me? Everything is brilliant.

Labels: college, exams, graduate programs, senior year