I want them all back, but I don't know how to restart it. I fear as soon as they're back it'll be worse than the start. I don't seem to see it. The bigger picture. I don't know how to get myself over me. I don't know how to guide myself through the social web of friends.

It's two weeks in and I haven't seen old friends yet. I don't have time and I don't this and I don't that. I feel overwhelmed again. I told Allison on Friday that I felt fine, the depression was gone. I was wrong. I am the reason for my loneliness and I was just with friends last night. I hate opening my chest and trying to explain this thread of sorrow that's been weaved to keep my insides together. I have to just go back to my feel better mix. I have to apply a few layers of The Format and let the hope sink in.

I feel so busy and I know Libby is being neglected.
Right now I am up to my neck in reading, work, and Gamma Sig.
I work 3 days a week, which is starting to feel a little overwhelming. I signed up to be a volunteer at Bear Hollow on weekends, and possibly Fridays. There's the possibility of doing park work, helping take care of the animal, and a variety of other jobs I could get. I'm really excited and I hope this commitment will help me keep up my hours, since my mornings are the only real time I have left to give. I'm thinking about reducing my Thursday hours, but that's the one shift at Bolton that needs the most right now.

I guess in the end you have to take care of yourself first. Without a sane mind one really can't help others.

Labels: Bear Hollow, Bolton, college, volunteering

Oh Libby, it's been so long! Over two weeks in fact. Even now I can only stay for a short while because I have to finish reading the beginning of the Iliad.

So many crazy things have happened, I'll try to organize it a little so it's not so jumbly. I changed my major to English! I'm excited even though I'm still unsure, because it's the closest thing to being happy. Apparently this whole time I hated my classes, I was in fact completing my core. It's done! Fin! no more core! I had to drop down to 12 hours this semester to keep a fair amount of electives available for the next 3 semesters. All I have left is major classes & electives! It's strange though because now I only have 1 TR class.

My mom, however, has this strange idea that because I am exhausted every night, work is not worth it, and again she thinks I should just quit. She's not listening to my side at all, which seems typical, but whatever. She can't quit for me. It's kind of surprising, because work isn't what's making me exhausted, it's all this excerise I'm getting from walking everywhere. Even to the bus stop. however, she is afraid the 4/5 hours I am currently working two days a week will hinder my schoolwork, not the amount of time I waste walking to places or the grocery shopping I do or the dinner I eat. Really, if you'll be ridiculous, then so will I.

Work is killing my group tv watching. I try so hard to appear unneedy that I do what ever I can to avoid asking for a ride. However, I can't take a bus at night to the places I want to go and I'm too tired from work to drag my body that far. The ideal solution is to get a bicycle, however it has been too long and I am probably the only person in the world who finds the phrase "as easy as riding a bike" obnoxious and incorrect. Don't judge, you've seen my coordination.

Also, I missed out on seeing Leslie & Sarah this weekend. I don't feel safe walking along broad by myself at night and of course, I had no ride. Nicki said her Mom & Grandma were coming up Saturday and I'd have to make an appearance, but that appearance became a ceremony where they adopted me as a second cousin once removed. I helped them unload stuff and then we went on a Joann's adventure which just became a fabric adventure. We did pick out a cute one for the kitchen, come see in like 2 weeks? I'm not sure. Nicki's grandma is making it though! Saturday night was the neighborhood Bolton bash and my attempts to help Nicki meet my friends/coworkers/new neighbors. Sunday, surprise surprise my parents came up.

The number one thing I hate about not having a car is that I am expected to concede with their every want and need. This weekend they are "picking me up" to go spend a weekend in my bed & in a bad mood. My grandparents are coming though, so if all my sass doesn't give me a migraine, maybe I'll have a good time for them.

This is the 4th weekend I'm spending with them in a row. Somebody save me from my family please.

I so detest migraines. I had so much fun yesterday, with good friends and the most delectable ice cream I've had all summer. I came home with a slight headache and shortly after dinner I had my familiar raging migraine. This is the 2nd time in the past 4 days that I went to bed before 10pm.

Now I'm on the goose hunt trying to find some doctor's appointment card to make sure it's this week. Raging migraines do not make terribly responsible people.

Life update:
Last Wednesday - Last Day of Summer at Bolton. A fellow employee chucked a carton of ice cream at me. Bruise came in Friday. Blood came immediately.
Thursday - Moved out of Lakeside.
Friday - Family & hair cut & good times.
Saturday - Six Flags + Youth Group = Migraine Central.
Sunday - Recovery + Shopping + Megan's birthday dinner + repacking.
Tomorrow - 7:30 AM Doctor's Appointment (thanks a bunch mom) + Leslie + Sarah.

Those are all the stories I have. You can ask about them, or you could just be plain better off.

You are everything, you are nothing at all.

Labels: Bolton, lists, migraines