Last week I saw Stars at the Variety Playhouse and I am still living on a high from the show. The venue starts off so empty that I actually sat in the second row through the opener and had a great experience. Sitting during a show makes me feel old, but the crowd was already on the older side, enough to make me look young. And then the Stars came out.

I have to say, this was the most sober I've ever seen them perform. And I LOVED that! I didn't recognize the first two songs, but I felt them all in my shoulders and my hair flying all around. They make great music, but when they perform they can make it all transform to the next level, the in your veins, in your dance step level. Like they performed Calendar Girl, which I love for deep personal reasons, but it's a song about depression and not killing yourself and they performed it like a rock anthem. Well not really. Kind of like a dance anthem? All I know is I've never heard the song like that before. Instead of ticking off the months she made it through, they rejoiced those months of struggling, because she survived! She made it through! January, February, March, April, May - she's still here, she's still fighting, she's loving, she's living. I loved that so much.

The whole show was just so special. It was the last stop in their tour and they made these comments about the audience, about how they could see the spirit of their music in our hearts and faces. That we were a bunch of cuties. I mean, my friends and I were adorably consumed and delighted and glowing from the music. It's damn good music.

We didn't get a set list, but the night was so memorable that I made a playlist to micmick their set list anyway.

Labels: be the good, find the good, live shows, music appreciation, Stars

I finished An American Marriage by Tayari Jones this weekend, the 30th book in my reading challenge for this year.  If I were pacing it out evenly across the year, I would average just over 4 books a month and I would have read about 17 books going into May.  I'm not working two jobs this year and the cold weather hasn't allowed me to garden as much as I would like, but the other side of the dice is that I haven't spent a lot of time with friends.  It's been a weird year so far though.

Anyway, Jones is very talented and from Atlanta, and writes about Atlanta, and I always enjoy when someone can capture a place accurately but still keep it in the same realm as their story.

Someone I knew from college recently wrote, "White privilege is being able to read Ta-Nehisi Coates without trying to figure out how the hell I'm going to read it to my children to explain their reality."  She doesn't currently have kids, but I was still surprised at how opposed to her statement I feel. It's important to share Coates' work with your children as they get older, no matter your nationality, especially if you're American.  It's still important to talk about race in America, to observe and respect so that we can really be many races living as one people.  As I read An American Marriage, as I read so many great works by black authors, I can never put myself in the shoes of the main characters.  Their work is not meant for that.  But it is meant to share and educate and embrace and move forward.

So many people have complained that history is written by old, dead white guys.  And for so long, the same can be said about literature.  I wish there were more voices being shared from history.  That's one of the reasons I love historical fiction.  I love seeing history represented by another point of view.  One of the great things about this reading challenge is I'm always looking for more books to read.  I've found a lot of interesting pieces from authors of different ethnicities and different countries.  One of the many reasons I wish I could speak and read different languages is that I have this secret, very particular, dream/goal.  I've always wanted to fall in love with a foreign author's works and translate them into  English.  Maybe that's like a latin junkie dream.  The power of translation.  The joy of translation.

Quae cum ita sint, Catilina, perge, quo coepisti, egredere aliquando ex urbe; patent portae; proficiscere.

Labels: goodreads, reading, reading challenge, Ta-Nehisi Coates, Tayari Jones

After this past month, any day that I don't get sick in the morning is a good day. With that logic, today was a great day.  I slept in and had adventure dreams. I went for Mexican food for lunch. I finished a book. I caught a sale at Home Depot. I spent the afternoon in the dirt. Reminded me why I don't bother to paint my nails anymore.

Tomorrow I'm going to try to start some more seeds, but I had to face the music that the plants I started from seed in March are about to die off. The cold was too much for my garden. So I bought a few plants to make up for the time that I lost.

Being outside in the sun, working with my hands and watching Tess play with her ball reminded me of what I want most. What I'm working toward. Tess must have known I was thinking about her. She just came over and giving me sleepy eyes and a yawn. We had a good day out in the sun. The stress at work is about to calm down and I'll have a chance to rebalance my work life. I have been looking forward to that, but I have been going crazy without the warm spring weather. I can't wait to go back to keeping normal work hours, driving home with the windows down singing my heart out, feeding the crew & taking Tess out for exercise and play and gardening and sunbathing and then the sprinkler and bathing suits and late dips in the pool.

Q wants to be in those plans. He has made it clear all he wants is to be fed and to go outside. One time he had the nerve to saunter past me when my hands were full. I feel bad because he wants to be an indoor/outdoor kitty so badly. He wants to sunbathe in the grass. He wants to run around the yard with Tess. He wants to be included. But I would also like him to live as long as possible, and that means inside. I woke up a few times this past week with my arms outstretched and him sleeping snuggled in between. So maybe the solution is a sunroom.

Labels: find the good, gardening

I've been listening to a lot of The Black Key's Brothers album over the past two weeks.  I love how full of themselves they sound.  Like they still believe they're worth loving, worth being at the beginning with.  I'm not trying to be negative or facetious.  I seriously think this album makes you feel good about yourself, gives you a good self image.  It's the jam you sing to yourself before a date.

Labels: An American Marriage, music appreciation, Never Gonna Give You Up, Tayari Jones, The Black Keys

When you don't share your blog with anyone, does anyone notice when you don't update it for two weeks?  I mean, two weeks is a long time.  I am a new person.  I was a worse person.  Now I'm a better person. That explains so much, doesn't it?

On the physical realm I am without splint, without cast, as of today - without stitches.  Mostly without queasiness.  Also without a handful of lbs.  The only blessed side effect of a week with a stomach bug.

But there is balance in the universe, so with all that I have lost I have gained stress (ah but this I keep gaining & loosing), new prescriptions, a deep value in allergy medicine, money in my bank account.

Some good, some bad, still changing.

Tomorrow the Stars will be out and I will be young again. If only for a few foolish hours.  Oh, so swoon baby starry nights.

Labels: recovering

This splint is starting to smell, but not horribly, just distinguishably.  Like I've been marked.  Marked by repetition.  Marked by a scalpel repeatedly, if we're being grossly accurate.

I've lost my gray hoodie, which is the only coat I own that fits comfortably around the splint.  I was sifting through the hall closet trying to find it and was baffled by two questions.  When did I get so many coats? And, why don't any of these coats fit around this stupid splint?  I counted 4 coats that I've received as part of my job, 2 I have not even worn yet because of all the surgeries.

All winter I either wore that ratty hoody or my green winter coat. I hate that green coat now.  I was going to donate it to the homeless, but good thing I waited, except nope, that was too tight too and I found out too late.  I looked like a woman in labor, with my eyes closed, breathing in short, sharp breaths as I tried to pull it off my arm and not pull my wrist out of the splint.  Which is pretty plausible.  My hands have been all up in that joint, it does not seem hard to alter or remove.  To be clear (and fair to my claims to be devoted to this recovery, which I am)  I only removed the wrap from the middle of my arm to moisturize the skin (on my arm, inches from the stitches) to try to reduce the itching and reduce the possibility of me scratching distractedly and accidentally doing something damaging. I also had to remove the cat hairs that had poked under the bandage and were also distressing my skin.

What can I say, I finished this terrific book with amazing word play and all I can focus on is how much I want to rip this splint off and scratch my arm red and raw.

Labels: new cast blues, recovery, surgery

This morning I could not keep my work churning without Beyonce's All Night.  Then in the afternoon I was jamming to Your Loves Whore by Wolfe Alice on repeat.  Then on the drive home I Need You by The Beatles came on.  The sun was shining and it's warm again and I passed the same house that I passed yesterday and the same man was out in his beekeeping whites and I felt like Spring was really here.

I know you're not grammatically supposed to capitalize the seasons, but growing up with my sister I grew to rebel that particular grammatical rule.

It's spring, I should be back in the garden.  I should be preparing for my bees and my garden and my house.  I hate this Nor'easter crap weather.  I'm afraid I'll end up losing all my new plants in the next week.  Nothing seems to agree with them and I was only able to keep them outside for two days before it got cold again.

If I'm being honest, I don't think I'm going to walk away happy on Monday.  I think once the splint comes off I am going to end up back in a cast.  I want my life back, I want my wrist back, I want the sun on my hair and the moisturizer blocking it on my skin and the dirt everywhere and the flowers blooming and the leaves reaching out and the fruit/vegetables ripening.  I am so tired of being careful.  Impatience.  Discomfort.  It's not positive, it's not filled with love or light or secret smiles or squeals or human touch. Courage is there to make you brave.  Strength is there to help you endure.  So I will pursue what makes me strong and hope the rest will get a little more in line.

So I signed up for this Gardening with the Masters class on Cutting Gardens 101, when the only flowers I grow either turn into fruit or struggle to stay on my orchid.  (Although my Valentine's Day orchid is going strong.)  What I need is a class on caring for orchids.  Next week there is a class about gardening and that's what I'm really looking forward to, but I get anxious easily so I want a test run.  Plus I need to relax and find the light in my life and maybe this will take me down a positive path.

I watched the season finale of the Magicians and it is so different from the books and often times not that great, in different ways that the books ended up being not great, but man do I love them both.  The books can be really depressing, so I don't see myself rereading them this summer, but I want to rewatch the series.  There's something about it that lights me up inside.  I'm hoping it will help me come up with something to bring to this writer's group.

Hmm, I wonder what is appropriate attire for a gardening class and a girl with a giant bandage wrapped hand.  Let's find out.

Labels: beekeeping, gardening, inspiration, Master Gardeners, spring, The Magicians

Going into surgery, I had four really good books arrive for me at the library.

St. Lucy's Home for Girls Raised by Wolves by Karen Russell
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan
AND FINALLY Tyler Johnson Was Here by Jay Coles

The thing is, I didn't take any extra time off work, so I have been go-go-going and trying my best to not fall behind at work.  And my medicine makes me feel tired, so I try to take it at the end of the work day.  Monday night, first day back, sleepy from the meds, I open Tyler Johnson Was Here and the tension hits me immediately.  Probably not the best thing to start reading when you're at your most vulnerable.  Or maybe that is the time to read it? 

Labels: new books, reading, surgery

I had the worst time sleeping last night, up every hour.  The problem is that I specifically woke up at 5:00am to take my pain killer so that I wouldn't be too tired when I got to the office (usually the first two hours after taking the meds are the most sleep inducing/hazy).  But I was pretty wide awake.

So I didn't take any other pain killers today.  I'm still struggling to not type with my left hand, but the overall pain is minimal.  My wrist itches like crazy under my splint though.  That and the anxiety from work is intense.  I would almost consider asking to take anxiety meds, but the surgery is already exhausting me.  I don't want to be calm, but constantly asleep.

Which somehow reminds me I need to go bring my plants in.  Got to keep them from freezing outside before they have a chance to bloom!

Labels: anxiety, recovery, stress, surgery, work stress

Thankfully my surgeon was able to keep my surgery as short as possible, didn't add any new screws, let me keep the screw, and the pain is a lot less than the first & second times.  Hopefully I can stop taking the pain medicine in the next week!

I had a great conversation with my dental hygienist about the Forsyth Beekeepers Club last week and I am so excited to attend their meetings, get cozy with their personal library books, and attend classes and workshops to prepare for next year!

I also found a lady writers group which I'm hoping will bring a little spark back to my life and also help me to put my ideas back on paper.

Tomorrow my niece and nephew are coming over and I am going to do my best to pace my pain pills so that I'm at my best around them. This time I am going to try to have a decent amount of makeup on so that we can take decent family photos.

And I stand by what I said before.

Labels: I feel it everywhere even in my red hair