I had the worst time sleeping last night, up every hour.  The problem is that I specifically woke up at 5:00am to take my pain killer so that I wouldn't be too tired when I got to the office (usually the first two hours after taking the meds are the most sleep inducing/hazy).  But I was pretty wide awake.

So I didn't take any other pain killers today.  I'm still struggling to not type with my left hand, but the overall pain is minimal.  My wrist itches like crazy under my splint though.  That and the anxiety from work is intense.  I would almost consider asking to take anxiety meds, but the surgery is already exhausting me.  I don't want to be calm, but constantly asleep.

Which somehow reminds me I need to go bring my plants in.  Got to keep them from freezing outside before they have a chance to bloom!

Labels: anxiety, recovery, stress, surgery, work stress

I wanted to tie this post to Josh Ritter's Wolves, but it's been done. Still it's the song I listened to on repeat in the car. I wonder if the wolves could be your fears. He finds them everywhere. To me that's my anxiety. Heartburn, indigestion. No not that. Fear in the pit of my stomach, churning. Nausea on an empty stomach.

There's a song, that fits wrapped around your shoulders, that can soothe me through it all. I know there is, but I don't remember discovering it. Razzle Dazzle Rose helps soothe me some. Is that a trumpet? Is that the soothing part? Maybe. Or her voice. Mostly Tracyanne Campbell's voice.

Rose, I'm feeling older 
Courage my love it makes me bolder

I need courage. I need hope. I need a hug.

I think getting outraged at the doctors office makes you crazy. Everyone else is speaking so calmly, why would you raise your voice? So I just smile and nod and try to make them feel better about my news. That's screwed up. Both versions. The one where I try not to make a big deal out of it and the one where you get emotional in public. Where is the inbetween?

I don't know if I can go through that surgery again from the beginning. I don't know if I can hold my head up every time I lose a part of myself. I want to feel whole again.

Labels: anxiety, Camera Obscura, emotions, Josh Ritter, mixes, pissed, processing, soothing songs, stress, surgery

This is what you need to know if you have any recent questions about me:

1.  I keep losing my phone charger and my phone is constantly dying.
2.  I have been forgetting a lot of things lately, including calling people back, texting responses, and responding to anything on facebook.
3.  I'm in the process of adopting an Aussie mix named Tess.  I've been spending a lot of time at different parks with her so if you want to hang out after 6 on a weekday and you have a dog, come meet us!  Pickneyville is right next to my office.
4. I'm moving out of my sister's.  She's been great, but it's too far and I hate how much time I spend in the car.
5. I was looking at living alone but I may have found 2 roommates who are totally cool with Fitz & Tess.
6.  My dear June is not doing so hot.  If my phone isn't dead, chances are I'm having car problems instead.
7.  I have been watching The Bible and Vikings on the History Channel every Sunday and Sail keeps getting stuck in my head.
8.  I got a promotion at work, but not the pay yet.  Not cool.  My new title is Events Coordinator.  Way cool.
9. If we haven't seen each other in a long time, chances are I want to hang out but have been too stressed/forgetful to reach out.

ALSO IN ONE WEEK I'LL BE IN HAWAII!

Labels: car trouble, dog adoption, dogs, major life events, moving, Pickneyville, promotion, stress, Tess, Vikings, work