I wanted to tie this post to Josh Ritter's Wolves, but it's been done. Still it's the song I listened to on repeat in the car. I wonder if the wolves could be your fears. He finds them everywhere. To me that's my anxiety. Heartburn, indigestion. No not that. Fear in the pit of my stomach, churning. Nausea on an empty stomach.

There's a song, that fits wrapped around your shoulders, that can soothe me through it all. I know there is, but I don't remember discovering it. Razzle Dazzle Rose helps soothe me some. Is that a trumpet? Is that the soothing part? Maybe. Or her voice. Mostly Tracyanne Campbell's voice.

Rose, I'm feeling older 
Courage my love it makes me bolder

I need courage. I need hope. I need a hug.

I think getting outraged at the doctors office makes you crazy. Everyone else is speaking so calmly, why would you raise your voice? So I just smile and nod and try to make them feel better about my news. That's screwed up. Both versions. The one where I try not to make a big deal out of it and the one where you get emotional in public. Where is the inbetween?

I don't know if I can go through that surgery again from the beginning. I don't know if I can hold my head up every time I lose a part of myself. I want to feel whole again.

Labels: anxiety, Camera Obscura, emotions, Josh Ritter, mixes, pissed, processing, soothing songs, stress, surgery

Labels: Camera Obscura, happy valentine's day, songs stuck in my head

I want to cut off my hair and get real ugly. No make-up, just perfect hair. I had perfect hair again today.

I met some girls tonight who are the tan obsessed type. Not the always ridiculously tan type, but the type that wants to have some color all year long. Melissa and I prized our pale skin. One of these new girls told me that I had a good complexion, for being pale, and that it worked on me. She would be happy to see that same pale color next summer, after I spend the winter wearing sweatshirts and socks and boots and colored tights and tons of layers.

Girls say being single is a good thing, you can do all the things you couldn't and you can go on a kissing spree kissing tons of new boys. I've already done that, I don't want to go back to that. I found what I want and it was never limiting. I was happy.

Mom says to listen to happy music to cheer me up. I know Lindsay would tell me to stay away from the Rilo Kiley. It pains my heart to even think about listening to Rilo Kiley, but I can't relate to happy music. I tried to find loud angry music, but I don't really have that. I burst out crying at the beginning of 99 Problems, so that will take some time to get back to. I couldn't get myself back into Camera Obscura for a long while but it felt perfect this afternoon.

People say to take time. Don't talk. Let things simmer and give people time to think about what's happened from a different frame of mind. But I can't stay silent. And I'd hate to become one of those sad girls who tells the internet all of her problems, but I don't give a shit as long as I have perfect hair.

Labels: Camera Obscura, dating, dating advice, fuck silence, hair cuts, pale, pale girls rule, perfect hair, Rilo Kiley