Finals are next week and I should be freaking out already, but I'm in a good place and I'm going to do my best to study as much as I can. I got a call back from CAPS and the woman I had my initial consultation appointment with picked me up from the waiting list. I'm really excited because I felt really comfotable with her. She's a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and she's probably only in her late 20's or very early 30's.

From here I have 6 to 10 sessions with her and then she has to recommend me to a therapist in the community. I'll probably be in Athens for the summer to take summer classes so I'll be able to continue seeing her throughout the beginning of the summer and then we'll see what I'll do.

I have more hope than I used to and she fills me with even more hope. Our consultation appointment was right before my latin class and econ test, but I went into both calm and feeling prepared, rather than my normal anxious self. I'm taking a semester off latin, which sounds like a horrible idea, but I always feel anxious and not good enough in that class. I need time to get better before I put myself through that again.

I was thinking about starting some kind of side project to follow my depression and treatment. I'm not sure if I could let myself be that vulnerable in front of everyone, but i see it as a release.

Labels: college, depression, finals, therapy

I know I said my blog was on hiatus, but Kaitlyn's grandpa died today and I can't stop listening to The Format. I keep listening to the acoustic version of On Your Porch, and I can't help noticing my dad is a lot like the one in the song. And all of my dreams of him dying, that time Lauren almost cried because she never had a dad who cared so much, and all of those heartfelt messages he gives me, they all just make me cry helplessly. And all the things I could tell you, all of the tiny habits we've accumulated and the copious amount of facts we know together, could never measure up to how loved I feel when I hear this song.
And then there's my mother and how much she cares for me. They say my greatest fault is that I care so much about my friends, but I get that from her. Even if she doesn't like my music, she plays the mixtape I made for her, The Meaning of Family, and she laughs and jokes and cries with it. And if she could she'd pull me out of the desert, but it's a road I have to take alone, so she does her best to bring me into the sunlight.

Nate wrote At The Wake about his grandfather dying, and The Piano Song is the earlier version of it. I wish there were hope for her in it, but you can never come back from a loss so great. So instead turn to On Your Porch and The First Single and find the person you've been forced to become, and just remember where you've come from. And one day you'll find what you need.

If you haven't noticed, Libby is temporarily on hiatus.
Maybe someday I'll update about the amazing concert I went to last night, Fun and Manchester Orchestra. A story about the list, and someone else's fallen ticket, a procession to the front row, band photos, conversations with the bands, and mostly, how Fun had learned 2 Format songs & Nate sang The First Single & Snails. Maybe I'll tell you about how his voice has touched my life, how his lyrics have helped me through everything, and how sometimes even a song isn't enough.

This is nothing like my tumblr so I thought I could have both and still manage. However, my spare time is exceedingly limited and hard to split between the two. To be fair, I haven't been updating it in a while as well. I've just been very busy.

I should be asleep, or in the shower, or finishing my latin, or cleaning. I guess I'm about to do one or 2 of those. My parents & grandparents & maybe my sister are coming tomorrow. It's a good thing because I left my hair dryer & straightener at my house. It's a bad thing because my room is a mess, I'm still a mess, and I need to pick up my new medicine after class, which will be when they get here. And through all this frustration I get what? A free dinner out and bickering over which way to go to get there and a "relaxing" time? Probably.

I love my family, I should stop bitching. I'm just stressed and frustrated. I'm presenting my project on The Temper Trap's Sweet Disposition on Thursday, but I keep losing my voice. And I'm so not musically smart enough to break the song down into all of the key things we've talked about. I mean, I heard it might be in D, but I can't tell which key it's in on my own.

Anyway, I wanted to thank a few of you for the support you've been giving me. Even though I don't have much to look forward to or any new celebrations to get me out of this, I still feel a lot better, well not a lot like a huge amount, but I do feel better. I know I'm still being vague and not explaining anything, but I'm just not ready to talk about this yet. I will get around to thanking you personally though. Just let me get through tomorrow first.

I Wish You Would

1. Some Red Handed Slight Of Hand by Cursive
2. The Twist by Metric
3. Rebellion (Lies) by the Arcade Fire
4. Cheated Hearts by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
5. Too Excited by Tilly and the Wall
6. I Turn My Camera On by Spoon
7. Whatever Happened To My Rock 'N' Roll (Punk Song) by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
8. Banquet by Bloc Party
9. 1st Things 1st by Phantom Planet
10. Evil by Interpol
11. Mass Romantic by The New Pornographers
12. Saturday Night by The Thrills
13. Automatic Stop by The Strokes
14. Terrible/Perfect by Built To Spill
15. Cut Your Hair by Pavement
16. Hold It In by Jukebox The Ghost
17. Oh Dear by Matt Costa
18. Come Pick Me Up by Ryan Adams
19. She Came in Through the Bathroom Window by The Beatles
20. Sleep Tonight by the Stars
21. Use Somebody by Kings of Leon

Labels: I Wish You Would Mix, mixtapes

Sugar Spell It Out

1. Phenomena by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
2. Rainbows In The Dark by Tilly and the Wall
3. Sweetness by Jimmy Eat World
4. Car by Built To Spill
5. Like O, Like H by Tegan And Sara
6. Equus by Blonde Redhead
7. The Bucket by Kings of Leon
8. Not For All The Love In The World by The Thrills
9. Penelope by Pinback
10. Sweet Disposition by The Temper Trap
11. I Love You And Buddha Too by Mason Jennings
12. Come On Closer by Jem
13. We Are Sleepyheads by Belle & Sebastian
14. Paper Tigers by the Caesars
15. Boy In A Magazine by Socratic
16. This Girl by Jordan Zevon
17. White Dove by John Vanderslice
18. Badges And Badges by Andy Hull
19. Big Sur by The Thrills
20. Career Day by The Format
21. Cut Cut Paste by Tokyo Police Club

Labels: mixtapes

I'm readjusting myself, again. Trimming down my schedule and fixing things that have gotten sticky. My parents kept suggesting spending less time with my sorority and their meetings, but I don't want to be inactive. I think they're more concerned about the time I spend volunteering, which has actually been very little this semester. I'm going to cut back on my radio station time and maybe go every other week. My parents really don't understand why I want to have a job, since I don't need it to support myself, but I do in abstract ways. Having a job justifies my concert going in my head, and it builds my bank account back up. I still owe them a lot for my camera, which they refuse to take at once, so that's frustrating. I should just be grateful that they pay for my school and my food and a lot of my gas and insurance, but I feel like I need to do something to benefit myself.

"I love you.  We'll get through this, together."

I'm about to tell my parents the biggest secret of my life.
I'm scared.


My roommate gave me a hug because she found me blubbering in the kitchen. She still doesn't know why. I tried to tell her half of it, but it still sounded so stupid. I don't think I can say anything intelligent or thoughtful whilst blubbering. I think my face might even be swollen a bit.
I just have to get home and tell them. I just have to get home.

I'm not going to work today, I'm amazed I made it through class. My head is overwhelming me and I feel soooooooooooooooooooooo sick. I want to sleep for days, but alas, I can't stay asleep because I can barely breathe. Instead I'm driving to Johns Creek and letting my mom coddle me. I really hope I don't get her or my grandparents sick. My brother's coming down too, so I hope I'm well enough to hang out with him. Then again, he easily gets on my nerves all the time 'all things the same', sooo hopefully I stay sick enough to enjoy his company.

Play It Cool Boy

1 - Nature of The Experiment by Tokyo Police Club
2 - Positive Tension by Bloc Party
3 - Silver by Beulah
4 - Tied Up Too Tight by Hard-Fi
5 - Slow Hands by Interpol
6 - Love of The Loveless by The Eels
7 - In The Morning by The Coral
8 - Heartbeats by José González
9 - Twin Falls by Built To Spill
10 - Save Me by Embrace
11 - If Work Permits by The Format
12 - Home by Great Northern
13 - Wolves by Josh Ritter
14 - Man Overboard by Kristoffer Ragnstam
15 - Good Day by Jukebox The Ghost
16 - Original Boy by The Days
17 - Technicolor Eyes by Backseat Goodbye
18 - One Star Army by The Crickets
19 - Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin
20 - Boy With A Coin by Iron & Wine
21 - A Great Wind More Ash by Anathallo
22 - Lights by The Editors

Notes on the mixtape:
Tokyo Police club has the perfect opening/closing songs for mixtapes because they're quick and to the point. There's no fluff to them. They just begin and then when it's said, they end it. The overall theme is quickly apparent.

He said you're just as boring as everyone else
When you tut and you moan
And you squeal and you squelch
He said that you're just as boring as everyone else
Nothing ever happens

Things replace things
Days replace days
Things replace things

She said I'm going use my teeth and my claws
She said I'm going use my teeth and my claws
She said I'm going use my teeth and my breasts
I'm gonna make it happen
She said

Labels: mixtapes, Play It Cool Boy

Shit just happens sometimes.

I read your blog and I puked a little in my mouth.
I think people might just give you too much credit.
I kinda think you might be overrated.

I had a listening quiz today, yesterday? Thursday. I think I did fairly well on it. I'm excited to do my project for that class. I think I'm going to choose The Temper Trap. I looovvvee them.

What I don't love is a latin test followed by a macroeconomics test, especially after how poorly I did on the last two. Fuck. I think I would have done actually really well on the latin test if this econ one was the next week. I like the Aeneid. I like Virgil. I like having no idea what's happening until we translate it together. Econ however, is just going to be a fucking disaster. We have all these formulas that I don't think will be on the test, but that we still have to know. He gave us a sample test and said it would be a lot like that and I still haven't finished it. Well, I have until 11. Fuccck.

I really like how this song is nothing like a lullaby. I also like how the theme song from All That gets stuck in my head at work. Is there really much more than the intro?

I saw Anathallo during spring break, the night before I got my stitches out. The show was only $10 and afterward I approached all of the band members to sign my poster. They were all really nice people, and surprisingly a couple seemed sad when I thanked them and left. I think they wanted the night to last longer. Or someone to actually talk to. This song has been stuck in my head all day.

So my dad called me tonight before dinner asking if I was coming home this weekend. I wasn't planning to, I haven't been since spring break and it seems almost like a record to me. I wasn't planning on going home any time soon. I think maybe I don't want to go home to the change. I don't want more memories of frustration and tension and stress. But it's been happening since the beginning of my childhood, why should this time change? Oh yeah, the state of the economy. Right.

Well anyway, my dad called to remind me it was his anniversary this weekend and he was asking me if I'd want to come home if he took us to Medieval Times. How could I have forgotten my parents anniversary! It's practically my anniversary, and not in a weird way. I was just already on the way when they got married, so I'm usually there for the anniversary. For a while we would go to Burger King, I'm not sure why, but it was our own little joke. "Happy Sixteenth Anniversary Darling, here, eat a Whooper!" Not really.

Last year my dad and my mom flew to DC, where we're from and where my brother now lives, for the weekend. My sister and I flew up to surprise them at the Red Lobster they had their first date at. My dad and I had planned the whole thing, with code names and everything. My mom cried. It was one of the best vacations of my life. Medieval Times isn't as cool, but it's another anniversary together. Which is what I need since I keep having nightmares of them divorcing.

And an extra bonus is that I can compare scars with my dad while they're still fresh! I know that sounds weird, but it's not really. Especially since I'm always accumulating them. Right now I have a blue bruise on my left arm from the tennis court door that Lindsey did not catch. My left knee is purple and blue, almost black, from slipping on Jeremey's driveway Saturday night. I ran into the coffee table twice on Sunday and the bar stools once. Today my friend asked me if I had gotten into a fist fight! HAHA! Me? Righhhht.

"We were watching Disney and she fell twice! You move an inch, you fall." - My roommate Lindsay recapping Sunday night.