Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I'm readjusting myself, again. Trimming down my schedule and fixing things that have gotten sticky. My parents kept suggesting spending less time with my sorority and their meetings, but I don't want to be inactive. I think they're more concerned about the time I spend volunteering, which has actually been very little this semester. I'm going to cut back on my radio station time and maybe go every other week. My parents really don't understand why I want to have a job, since I don't need it to support myself, but I do in abstract ways. Having a job justifies my concert going in my head, and it builds my bank account back up. I still owe them a lot for my camera, which they refuse to take at once, so that's frustrating. I should just be grateful that they pay for my school and my food and a lot of my gas and insurance, but I feel like I need to do something to benefit myself.

If you don't see me as much in person, please don't take it personally. I'm trying to focus on fixing myself, and so as much as I love being with you, I can't spend as much time doing it. Jenn told me that it feels more like real life seeing me maybe once a week, because after college we'll be lucky if we get one day a week. A real friendship is one that can allow days and weeks apart and still pick up where you left off once reunited. This feels really true to me. It's how I currently feel about my friendship with a lot of my Athens friends. When I think about it, I only see most of my friends once or twice a week and that's because we have a class together or I see them at work or they seek me out to catch up.

I'm going to try to blog more about what I'm feeling and what it means to me. I might stick to my original theme for this blog, but it's going to become even more personal. This is the outlet I feel most comfortable being completely honest with. I refuse to lie on here and I refuse to fill it with mindless facts.

I'm trying to commit myself to focusing on school, and putting in all the extra hours to save myself. I'm going to take a break from latin next semester. I might finally get back into Spanish. I've been struggling so much recently and being in limbo hasn't helped. I'm tired of taking orders and following directions. I'm tired of planning study schedules and not following them. I'm tired of screwing up.

For once I'm not telling one person all my mundane problems. I'm not going from group to group for advice. The past is behind us, the future is still far ahead. All I can do is live for the present and be somebody I respect and love. I'm going to try to redefine myself, not by my problems or my past or my friendships, but by the depths of my heart. ab imo pectore.
posted by Songs of Love at 1:25 AM |

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At April 11, 2009 at 11:01 AM, Blogger Unknown said........
Jillian-love, I'm going through a very similar process at the moment. I screwed up a lot this semester and it's time to fix it all. If anyone can understand flying under the radar for awhile to get your life together, it's me--and some people will give you a lot of crap about it, but you just gotta do it sometimes. Just know I'm always here for you if you need a wine and rant night, or anything else! =)