I don't get how I keep it together at work.  I think maybe it's the dead look I get that people confuse for stress and being tired.

The rain gave me a migraine and left me unable to take Tess to the dog park.  I went out for a strangely early dinner today and I felt so distanced from everyone and everything.  I can't make up my mind until I decide to do something and realize it's not what I want at all. I think I've been here too long and it's time to transition in to the next phase.

Speaking of transitions, I just realized that it is almost one of my sibling's birthday.  I read Cosmo's article about the lead singer of Against Me! and her journey as a transgendered person and I still can't believe this is an article that I can find so much familiarity in.  It's all so weird, but none of that is even what's really bothering me.

I feel backed in a corner.  This is how I should react.  This is something I should take on.  Even if it's in the opposite direction of where I'm heading.  It's everywhere - work, friendships, family, my friend's upcoming wedding, when I should move, when I should take Tess home, when a friendship is over.

I wish it would stop raining and the pollen would go away and I could just twirl around and around and around in the sun until I get too dizzy and need to lay down.

Labels: Against Me!, dogs, migraine, raining, Tess, transgender, transitions, We used to be friends.

I had a very strange nightmare this morning that won't shake out of my thoughts completely.  I dreamed that my ex was marrying one of my friends and I was in the wedding party.  We were at this convention center feeling venue for the wedding, and I was going to go change into my dress when I saw the bride fall backwards down a super tall marble/slate staircase.  I rushed over and had someone else call 911 while I cradled this super bloody friend of mine.  A few days later I went to meet her at her house after she came back from the hospital, and she had one really swollen ankle and cuts on her face but she wouldn't stop smiling.  We go into her house, where my ex was, and she says that she's not upset about what had happened because the doctors were able to tell her that she was pregnant and the baby was okay.  And then I lunged for this girl's neck with the agility of a cheetah. After attempting to beat her up, I then attempted to seduce my ex back.  It was like one of those romantic comedies that makes you want to shake your head and turn off the TV.

I don't ever want to become that person.

Labels: dreams, jealousy, nightmares

Three weeks is a very long time to go without talking to someone you're used to having around.  Three weeks is nothing when you travel a lot and the other person has a busy life.  I met my cousin's girlfriend for the first time this weekend and she reminded me so much of one of my favorite hometown friends.  The friend and I have hardly seen each other over the past year and she's about to leave to study abroad, which sadly, will feel not so different.  These days you can always Skype and there is nothing quite like receiving something in the actual mail.  Still, that doesn't erase the fact that we've been fools in friendship.

But I always seem to be the fool.  I have a roommate offer, but it wouldn't be until the end of June.  My big work event is in the end of June and I swore I wouldn't move during the dead of summer.  I'm a fool, not an idiot.

I have so many questions now.

Labels: friendship, moving, roommates, work

I had a strange dream about Sebastian last night.  I was at some diner like place in Athens with Lindsey and he was having dinner with this kid I used to go to school with, who is so unimportant I forgot his face & name as soon as I woke up.  Lindsey & I were at a table of people like Shane & the Kelsey who lived next door to us and for some reason Lindsey had to walk me up to him to say hi. And he was all, no big deal.  Left Argentina, moved to your old college town.

I woke up thinking, "What the fuck made me dream about him?" I haven't spoken to him in over 5 years.  I never talk about him.  Have I been thinking about Argentina more lately?  Maybe.

All I know is if you're going to move to my continent, country, state, & my old college town you better get in touch with me!

Anyway, I spent the day thinking about him.  I wonder if he's happy.  I wonder if he went into music journalism or just stayed on the broader journalism path.  I wonder if he's living with that girlfriend of his now.

I kind of miss him.  In the sense that he was there for me during a lot of hard times with my family, without ya know, physically being there. I wrote a lot back then but I don't think I ever showed it to him.  I'm pretty sure I did once and he laughed at me.  Fucker.

Labels: Argentina, dreams, old friends, Sebastian

Fitz is the very best cat that ever lived.  He is, simply said, the fucking best.  The End.

I spent a few hours with Tess today and she is such a total sweetheart.  And wonderful with other animals.  And so smart but not in the getting-in-trouble kind of way.  I want so badly to introduce the two and give Fitz the gift of a permanent housemate.  Someone to play with and nap with during the day while I'm at work.  Someone who is not Roman.

Labels: cats, dogs, Fitz, Tess

I have a soft spot for inappropriate lyrics, preferably when surrounded by a lot of wit. Hence my constant return to blasting Say Anything out of my car speakers.  Perhaps because I grew up with such a prudish sense of self, I felt it was acceptable so long as it was someone else's words.  Whatever the case, I have been crooning along with the start of a southern twang for many, many years.

So the thing about Say Anything is that I kind of love Max Bemis.  There was so much that I could relate to him with growing up that I kind of think I did a lot of my personal writing with him in the background.  The band took a huge hiatus because of his collapsing mental state and when they came back, he owned up to what happened and didn't try to downplay it at all.  I guess I was always encouraged to be myself, but there was that expectation to be normal and fit in.  That created this huge hole in me.  I tried so hard to hide my social awkwardness by not trying at anything else at all.  Then I figured out how to hide it all inside.  But the thing about hiding huge secrets is that there is only so much room for them inside your head.  So I pushed out all the pointless other things and found that once you let me start, I couldn't shut up.

During the past few years I started having problems with word recall.  I know so much about the word, but I cannot tell you what it is.  It's so frustrating.  As an English major it made in class essays a bitch because I would forget names or adjectives and I would just stumble through the rest of the essay praying that describing it would bring the word back to me.

So I've become frustrated and kind of a pain to be around.  Listening to Say Anything is like revisiting a younger version of myself. I kind of just want to immerse myself in it.  In that loud happy state.  The kind that comes when you allow yourself to embrace the sad moments and then scream about it.  Mostly I want to write.

I'm still the optimist though it is hard when all you want to be is in a dream. 

I feel like I've had all these amazing dreams recently and I live more in the dreams then I do in reality.  Pretty much work is awesome and I love being there.  Then I leave to go home and nothing that follows is as fulfilling or wondrous as my dreams. Except Fitz, because you know, he's like the best cat ever born.

Labels: crooning, dreams, English Major, Fitz, inappropriate lyrics, Max Bemis, mental instability, Say Anything, word recall, writing