I had a nightmare last night so terrible that I can't shake it.  I dreamed about my ex having sex with my friend and then she told me about it and then because that's not torture enough I was there when they had sex again.  It's so twisted, why would my mind make that shit up?  I wasn't mad at either of them when I woke up because I knew it wasn't them, it was a dream, but I am so fucked up by it.

Thankfully I needed to vacuum and clean my closet and there's drip marks all over my bathroom from the epsom salt soak I did.  Angry cleaning is the only way I can really get through all of it. Still, I don't care how productive I need to be today.  I have this fucked up imagery in my head, this fake memory, and I have no one to talk to about this.

If I do call my best friend or a close friend, they'll point things out that I already know.  Yes, he's going to sleep with other people. No, it's not a good thing to dwell on.  No, I was not previously dwelling on it. Great talk.

Labels: all the feelings, dreams, nightmares, We used to be friends.

I had a very strange nightmare this morning that won't shake out of my thoughts completely.  I dreamed that my ex was marrying one of my friends and I was in the wedding party.  We were at this convention center feeling venue for the wedding, and I was going to go change into my dress when I saw the bride fall backwards down a super tall marble/slate staircase.  I rushed over and had someone else call 911 while I cradled this super bloody friend of mine.  A few days later I went to meet her at her house after she came back from the hospital, and she had one really swollen ankle and cuts on her face but she wouldn't stop smiling.  We go into her house, where my ex was, and she says that she's not upset about what had happened because the doctors were able to tell her that she was pregnant and the baby was okay.  And then I lunged for this girl's neck with the agility of a cheetah. After attempting to beat her up, I then attempted to seduce my ex back.  It was like one of those romantic comedies that makes you want to shake your head and turn off the TV.

I don't ever want to become that person.

Labels: dreams, jealousy, nightmares

I want to give up on my internet addictions but then they just show up in my dreams, which really fucks up my reality. My parents used to have these run of dreams where the other spouse was cheating on them and they woke up so angry at each other. Those kind of dreams hurt so badly but you can't hold them against people without being unreasonable. It gets worse when you don't want to be the unreasonable one but you feel like you need to just talk about the dream, face it, and move on.

According to my dreams, in the past week I've been proposed to, hunted & also forced to watch a psycho with an ax kill all of my close friends, witnessed the creation of the ultimate man-eating beast and survived only because my friend was a ghost, & then I made a mockery of myself amongst my friends because I couldn't hold it in any more. I was filled with false hope and then scared shitless when everyone I cared about was being killed in front of me. You wake up and you want to shake it off, it was just a dream, but that last feeling remains to confuse you.

I'm so confused. I want things more than ever, things I had weaned myself from thinking of, cares I told myself wouldn't concern me any more. No matter how closed off I make my heart it still gets fucked with in my dreams. Like it's one big trick that I don't get to laugh at. It's hard for you to accept things or lose people or move on when your feelings are tricked to flip flop. And it's all in your head, and it makes you feel delusional. Nothing stays buried. Nothing is as easy as it should be.

Labels: and you're spelling out your love, dreams, nightmares, Rupert Grint is apparently my soul mate, you could be above ground, you shouldn't be alone in there