I’ve been thinking of my cousin a lot lately. She was one of the first in my extended family to reach out to me online. I hardly knew her before then, just another cousin from another side of the family who spent weekends and summers together with the others. She embraced my sister when my mom married in. She let me tag along. 

Then Facebook came along and I could hear about her day to day life. The struggles of her friends. The hope she gave to everyone she knew. I could know as much as my sister. I was equal. I was on her mind some days. She was just so sweet. So kind. 

I don’t get how someone could have killed her. Sudden deaths don’t feel right. I really don’t get how the police believed her killer’s lies. Someone she knew. Someone who had soured, but she wasn’t scared of him, yet. I think of that all the time. How unsafe the world can be. I don’t know if I could picture her with kids, but I always thought she’d be a great aunt. A true sadness for all her brothers’ kids. 

Yesterday was her birthday and my heart aches to see it’s been 6 years. 

Labels: grief, Sorry For Your Loss

Nothing about this year has been predictable. Too many things have been gut wrenching. This is no exception. And that’s not right. There should be justice. 

Can’t sleep. This song is stuck in my head from earlier.   Wall of Arms has a better fall aesthetic. Colour It In has a more upbeat, “let’s get this done!” vibe. 

I should have just stayed in the Fall lane. Happy First Day of Fall! I froze this morning like it was the last day of Fall. Well, in Georgia standards. It was a good day, but would have been better with hot chocolate and a long walk around the pond. Maybe tomorrow. 

Labels: music appreciation

I heard of this cover by Cher today and it feels perfect for an early fall Saturday. I’m so glad the temperature is dropping into sweater weather. It really is the best time to be outdoors. 

I heard good news about the friend I was worried about and that made this weekend so much....no I think it’s more that it made me stop over focusing on work and allowed me to actually take a weekend. My favorite type of solo weekends - digging up weeds, planting a few more plants, and mulching. 

My goal is still to add more flower beds. Less grass/weeds to mow. I’m also pulling a few of my beds further out too. I don’t know what the professional way is, but after a few too many attempts my preferred method is: mulch bags to kill grass, dig up grass roots, reposition edger, plant or just mulch right away.  

Tomorrow I’m going to go around with my daffodil bulbs and plant them too.  I can’t wait to see them in the spring! I planted my dahlias too late into the summer.  I think I might still get a few blooms before the first frost hits. My elephant ears on the other hand are doing so great! I followed the instructions on how far to space them but I probably should have gone a little wider. I’m curious to see if they get any taller. I don’t have any railing around my porch, but at this rate they’re going to block it off at the end. I had some Morning Glories that popped up in front of my porch and would have looked really beautiful with the lattice work, but they moved under & were starting to grow through my porch too.

My best friend was telling me about which songs her son is learning on the drums. Third grade and drumming. He’s already a little heartthrob at school apparently. Amazing how far listening will get you. Anyway, I saw the Dave Grohl & Nandi drum off this week so I listened to Nirvana today. I’m not sure Nevermind is the type of album you should share with an 8 year old, but I really want him to hear Dave drum on Stay Away. I don’t know, a little punk never hurt the soul. :)

Labels: gardening, music appreciation

I’m so worried. I’ve been praying for a friend in a dark place, but it doesn’t seem like enough. I prayed with his family and offered everything I can, but no one knows. It sounds like he tried to take his life.

Before I heard the news I had a migraine like the kind I used to get. Medicine wasn’t helping. It lasted all morning, all day, all night. And I just thought it was so unbearable. The pain was in my head and all around and felt like it was never stopping. I realized if it didn’t go away or if it came back, I wouldn’t survive it. I would have had to end it myself. When I got through that I made an appointment to try new medicine. 

So his pain isn’t lost on me. But his is from PTSD and it haunts him in ways I’ve never suffered. I feel foolish trying to be strong and would I feel like a fool if I share my story with them. 

So here I am running my mouth. Trying to not hurt others. Trying to come to terms with my weakness. Trying to be solid enough to be a good friend. 

Father please elude my transgressions

Let them blow in the wind like sand

Cause all of my deeds you know them

Use me as your vessel