My grandfather turns ninety this week. I bought him 90 tomato seeds for his birthday.
I wish it were warm and I could escape outside. Outside is easier.
I’m spending the night at his house & the memories are overwhelming. She went down that hallway and all the bad started. She’d fluff her cushion and slowly lower herself on that chair. From here I can see her coming out of the kitchen with hot dishes, “but dinner’s not ready yet. We’re eating at...”
Her smile. Her fluff of see through hair. That white puffy sweater with the roosters. I miss it all. So much has changed over these past five years. Now it’s been two years since she’s been gone. That doesn’t sound right. It seems shorter. I would still give up so much to get her back.
Alright. I need to get to bed before someone hears me crying on the couch. I can’t face them like this.
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Sunday, December 15, 2019
posted by Songs of Love at 12:32 AM
Wednesday, December 11, 2019
I heard this song in my head tonight. Technically it’s in an older post, but that post has two songs, so I think this can be an exception. Ear worms always are.
I like to say that, “Run Devil Run” and also “Get Behind Me Satan.” Mostly when I need to push the darkness away. I’ve even caught myself singing it to my plants. Gardening can be a very reflective hobby and sometimes you don’t want to remember. Especially when it’s anxiety about work. Sometimes it comes on like a panic attack and there is no logic behind it. It’s a headspace that I have trouble climbing out of.
I don’t remember my anxiety being this bad when I was younger. But maybe it’s because I didn’t have real responsibility. You know who might know? The therapist I can’t afford.
Why can’t mental wellness be more affordable? Although what am I saying, when epipens have become a luxury.
So, I invested in a different therapy. Four raised beds in my favorite color. It looks a little flashy, but it seemed kismet.
First comes raised beds, then comes bees, then comes wildflowers & honey & fresh food & color & dirt & sunshine & rain & roses & dahlias & freckles & green green green!
Sunday, December 1, 2019
Having a better day today. I almost posted yesterday, but it was one of those impulse days. Only one thing on my mind. I put myself to work yesterday working on anything I could that involved templates or numbers or routines.
Editor’s note - Anxiety is such a bitch. Control. Confrontation. Failure. So many worries. I sit in fear far too often worrying that if I share something about what I’m going through I will lose my job or respect or you know, just everything. Good and bad.
Original post circa July 2, 2019
Post script - No clue on what helped me through this mind space. Adjust Feel Better Soon playlist. Reconsider title song.
Editor’s note - Anxiety is such a bitch. Control. Confrontation. Failure. So many worries. I sit in fear far too often worrying that if I share something about what I’m going through I will lose my job or respect or you know, just everything. Good and bad.
Original post circa July 2, 2019
Post script - No clue on what helped me through this mind space. Adjust Feel Better Soon playlist. Reconsider title song.
Labels: anxiety
I don’t know why some days are so challenging. I really don’t want to know what brings them on. I’m honestly scared there are more factors than I can reasonably control. And it’s control, isn’t it, that thing I struggle with most. Control of attention. Control of thoughts. Control of actions. Controlled connections between new events and past people.
Editor’s note: I don’t think it’s because of a distraction. I think sometimes it’s just hard to put things out there. Even if no one reads what you’re writing.
Original post circa July 1, 2019
Post Script - Start with Feeling Okay by Best Coast. Then make a soft right.
Editor’s note: I don’t think it’s because of a distraction. I think sometimes it’s just hard to put things out there. Even if no one reads what you’re writing.
Original post circa July 1, 2019
Post Script - Start with Feeling Okay by Best Coast. Then make a soft right.
Labels: all the feelings, Best Coast