I'm starting to feel the distance. There was even something at my last sorority meeting tonight, a feeling that I don't belong. I've been phased out. Only a handful of my real friends were there. The rest had phased out and I was lingering, trying to connect the girls who befriended me with the girls too new to remember those very friends. Tonight Melissa said something to me about how great I was as a Big, which is a lie. I wasn't much of a big the whole first year. This year though we forged a really strong connection. I was totally scared about being a Big at first. I didn't want someone who was always dt, someone "too cool" for me, but I didn't want an extreme doo-gooder who was more involved in the sorority than I was. I felt like there was so much more pressure to be liked as a Big than there ever was as a Little.

I called Lindsay when I came home tonight. Being a senior, my last chapter, taking pictures with the letters, there was something missing. A piece of my heart directs back to Lindsay, longs to pull her towards me. Talking to her broke down this distance that I feel is building between me and everybody. I come home and aside from Fitz wanting to bite me, there's no one waiting for me. There's no one who wants to hear about my day. No one wants to hold my hand. No one to tell me good stories and bad stories and funny stories. Lindsay is not excited about the commencement speaker. Her vote was Paula Deen. If Paula Deen could be the commencement speaker AND the caterer I would be in Southern heaven.

Labels: We used to be friends.

Easter joys:
1) I didn't fit into my original Easter dress because it was too big on me. :)
2) The dress I did wear was a little loose too, mainly in the back, proving I don't have back fat!!!
3) There were tons of hugs between my church/TEC friends. There is something uplifting about someone being so excited to see you that they have to hug you tightly. Even if it cuts off your circulation for a little bit.
4) One of my guy friends told me I looked pretty in a slightly surprised/honest way.
5) So many jelly beans.
6) Our church friends invited us over for dinner Saturday night and I got to hang out with an old friend of mine. Dinner was SO GOOD and they made brownies and 3 different kinds of pie for dessert.
7) Fitz hissed at my family some but was the sweetest thing to me. He doesn't hiss at me normally, just them, but it was nice for his bitchiness to take another outlet.

Woes: I can never live in the same state as my brother. Or border states.

Service was strange today. It wasn't as upbeat as I was hoping. Even our HE IS RISEN! didn't sound that loud. I am looking forward to living close to my church again. I feel like English majors have this intense background knowledge of the Bible, even when they claim to not be Christians. College has taught me that I don't know my obscure biblical stories that well. Maybe I'll try the Adult Sunday school class. Ya know, if I could learn to wake up early enough.

Labels: church, Easter

For some reason I felt kinda drunk late last night even though I didn't drink anything but water. I'm wondering if it's some kind of side effect of taking my pills on a fairly empty stomach. It was pretty annoying but I fell into a great sleep. Two crazy dreams but luckily I can't remember them.

Now if only my hormones would calm down. Hormones suck when you're single.

Brain, heart - shut up! I'm not drunk so stop making me feel drunk. Just shut up so I can sleep and avoid migraines and get work done tomorrow. And dreams, stop being so pessimistic and sad! Stop making the same boy break my heart over and over again and stop sending serial killers after me. Just be abstract or about puppies. If you create false images in my head of social networking sites or fake text messages in my phone AGAIN I swear I will find a way to abolish my R.E.M. cycle all together. Or I'll just stop sleeping. Behave or get lost. If I can live without my tonsils I can live without fucking dreams.

Why am I such a bad cat owner? At the end of the day I can't come home and cuddle with my cat. He won't stop fucking biting me. I looked up ways to prevent it or avoid pissing him off but his bites come out of no where. I've been monitoring his fucking behavior. I've been searching websites for tips. I've given him space. I play with him when he meows out of loneliness/boredness. But he fucking tears up my flesh. Sinks his sharp teeth down and then I have to pick off the hanging skin. I'm crying. It didn't even hurt that much. But I guess it's finally gotten to me and my feelings are hurt. Tonight was just a really bad night for it.

I want to watch Veronica Mars sass people out or Buffy kick some demon's ass but I'm not sure watching tv on my computer is going to be good for my head. I was even going to bribe him with kitty treats to cuddle before he bit me. If I'm going to become some loser cat lady I'm pretty fucking bad at it.

Labels: bad cat lady, lingering migraines suck, We used to be friends.

Fitz and I are having a random sad day. I think he's just tired. He's been cranky for days.
I - I can't explain why I started feeling sad today. It just kind of came out of nowhere sometime after I got off the bus today. I have my Lutheran Campus Ministries diner tonight but I'm too sad to go. I hate sitting among people feeling completely disconnected, and that's what this particular sadness is evoking. The only people I want to see right now are unavailable tonight or I just don't have the heart to call and ask them to hang out with me while I try to regain composure.

I used to be so much more independent. If I was having a bad day I could get out of the house, drive around, and run errands without spilling over. I could just walk into the grocery store and try to sort out my feelings and thought in the cereal/juice aisle without drawing any attention. Now I have to wait until my exterior rebuilds itself before I can go out. Maybe I'll watch an episode or two of tv on Netflix and then get a slushie or go to the grocery store. I need gas, but it's so expensive, so I don't want to drive too much. I'd rather go somewhere that I can just disappear and not be talked to. Maybe I'll go back to Bear Hollow soon.

Today has been a big day of accomplishments for me, though granted not really academic.

Today I:

1) Went to my doctor's appointment/graduated therapy again. :)
2) Napped.
3) Showered
4) Boiled Eggs.
5) Went to class.
6) Bought Cap, Gown, & Tassel.
7) Baked cookies.
8) Refilled my prescriptions and was given 4 extra migraine pills to make up for the 4 missing pills in my last prescription.
9) Decorated Easter eggs with Kaitlyn.
10) Made Kaitlyn smile.
11) Made chili for dinner.

I'm pretty proud of all of those. I waited a while to purchase number six because I knew having them in my possession would make the future seem too real too soon. I keep thinking about my Stillpoint acceptance when I need to cheer up. Just thinking about it makes me smile. It came at a really good time in my college career. I went to my scheduled doctor's appointment and Allison and I had a really good discussion. We've talked through all my fears and anxieties and difficulties and she thinks I've come out of it all with a really mature outlook. Now I'm left with the fears and anxieties that everyone has at this time in their life, and that's more comforting for me. She declared today my graduation from therapy and that was the added bonus that I needed to hear. I guess I'm really living day to day for the good news. I've been thinking about Bruce a lot lately. Every time I hear some really good news it's like I'm getting another hug from Bruce.

Time keeps on slipping by. Days cross themselves out before I remember to write the date on my notes. I'm supposed to have more time before graduation but it's all come and gone. Tomorrow is the one month mark. I could puke. These days I can't even make up some sarcastic remark to say when people ask if I'm excited about graduation or what my plans are. All that comes out of my mouth is a garbled mess and the smile I try on doesn't quite make it to my eyes, but I suppose the twitch in my cheeks has been pretty entertaining. This is one of those weeks where you can read it all on my face.

Only real benefits I've been having: Whenever I go to bed intoxicated I dream of celebrities who for some incomprehensible reason have the hots for me. First Jared Followill was seductively biting my ear. Then I met Heath Ledger at a party and no matter how hard I tried to shake him off he still seemed really interested in me and we ended up going on a mystery adventure. Last Thursday I was taunting and teasing Alex Greenwald. Unfortunately even though dream Jillian is becoming a seductive temptress, she also keeps being chased by killers. It makes me glad dreams don't come true. As much as I would like to have a better love life, I don't think I'd have a high survival rate.

The Random Facts I'm Concerned With These Days:
1 - Fitz has an aggressive side that comes out when we're cuddling. I have a painful laceration on my arm from where he bit me tonight. What's worse is when it hurts I want to hold him and snuggle but he's still nippy.
2 - I have 2 term papers due at the end of April and one due in May. I only know the length of two of them, which has me at a current total of anywhere between 18 and 25 pages of term paper grossness.
3 - One of the prose poems I submitted to Stillpoint Literary Magazine was chosen and they will be publishing it in this year's issue. I will officially be published, which is not that big of a deal except to me. They invited me to read at their launch party and if I can control my nerves I will. I want people to come because I've never had a real chance to share what I do with my friends before.
4 - I've started painting my new bedroom: Perfect Plum. It's a really beautiful deep reddish purple. Romantic and mature. My mom is letting me repaint my childhood bedroom too but I want to go with something lighter there, like a mint. I'm trying to figure out what parts of my Athens room to merge into my new room and my room at home. I don't want to have childish things on my walls and most of my posters wouldn't look good with my new colors.
5 - I watch too much HGTV in Johns Creek and too much Netflix in Athens.

Today's a good day for The Cure. I feel like I belong lost inside Just Like Heaven. It's this stupid middle of the week stump. Over stressed, tired, middle of the week catch up with a big creative writing bust. I do not look forward to presenting next week because I don't look forward to anything in this class anymore. It was supposed to be certified anti-senioritis class. It doesn't really do anything for me. Nothing positive at least. But after class I usually wait alone at the bus stop watching people get picked up by friends and lovers and roommates. That part's been getting real lonely.

I've felt real disconnected lately - to my friends, my environment, myself. I'm not myself. I think this is Jillian in fear, on pause. I'm focusing so much on school but what's the point? Why focus on something that won't matter in a month? It's almost gotten back to the vicious cycle where everything makes me happy reminds me of him and everything that reminds me of him makes me terribly sad. I think I've started doing the zombie thing again, sitting somewhere with no concept of time, no memory of where your thoughts have gone, just sitting there existing with sad eyes. I will combat this with extra friend time and maybe a feel good shoe shopping trip and maybe soon a weekend painting my new room.