Turn up the stereo
'Til everything rattles

Sun filled hikes and southern humid nights. My hair hasn’t been this red since childhood.  Technically my hair has never curled naturally, and yet here we are. Call me conceited, but having hair this red brings me so much joy. It’s not the dark auburn of Hollywood fame. My hair is like a fire opal, strands of deep red, golden blonde, bright orange and pale brown scattered and woven together. 

Jenny knows what I’m talking about. Feeling it in her red hair. 

I’m still a bit heartbroken that her show this summer sold out so quickly. It’s okay though, cause we’ll reunite again with our red red hair!

Labels: I feel it everywhere even in my red hair, Red hair with a curl

Earlier this year I found an article recommending audiobooks for different genres, taking the recording artists into consideration, and I’ve been slowly working through it. There are some books that I want to read in my own voice, but there are other books I would never have read had there not been a recorded audiobook. One such book was Bruce Springsteen’s autobiography, Born to Run.

I never listened to his music growing up outside what was played on the radio. I think the only song I really knew was his is Born in the U.S.A. I knew he was from the north, blue collar, and had a band.

The book was better than I was expecting. There’s a period of his life he opens up about towards the end of the book that reminded me of what I went through the summer of 2016. I’ve struggled with anxiety and I’ve struggled with depression, but I’d never gone through something so upside down before. And I’d never heard of anyone else describe it. His instance is different in a few ways, but I really connected with it. Outside of my immediate family and previous roommate watching it happen,  I’ve never spoken to anyone about it before so I never felt I could relate to anyone about it.

Other than that, the book opened me up to his music, to making music, and that deep appreciation for music. I’d found this song over the summer that I liked enough to put on a mix by Soccer Mommy. Lo and behold it’s a cover of Bruce’s song I’m On Fire. Soccer Mommy’s cover is mellow and chill and it feels right for summer nights. Turns out Bruce’s original, although more lively and growly, feels like summer nights in the car with the windows down.

I like them both so much I started a new mix, Little Fires Everywhere. Bruce opens the mix and Soccer Mommy ends it. On loop they sound good after each other too. The mix isn’t finished, but I’m really enjoying it so far.

Labels: book recommendations, books on tape, Bruce Springsteen, mixtapes, music appreciation

The Beatles Abbey Road Experience came out on Friday and it feels like an early birthday present. I love it! It has outtakes and different versions of the songs on the album, some songs not released with Abbey Road, different arrangements, and so many moments of them talking to each other. This song in particular and their conversation at the end make me laugh.

I read a pretty good article about this anniversary release on Thursday, but it did not prepare me well enough for the extent I would giggle from this. Just them goofing together and laughing despite the inevitable split. They really did just start out as these goofy friends with a desire to make music.

Labels: Abbey Road, favorite albums, music appreciation, nostalgia, The Beatles, We used to be friends.

November 2018
So much has changed this year. I still can’t believe it’s all true. I am very fortunate, in so many ways. Stressed to the max with this giant jump, or rather level up, in adulthood. But my stomach settled back down so it’s manageable.

Stress can really wreck your body. I spent so long ignoring it and not treating it properly. It still upsets me how much I let my health decline from my stress. My work gave us a treat yourself bonus so I spent some on myself. I never saw myself as the cosmetic procedure type. That was the kind of thing that made me feel uncomfortable and different at my previous dermatologist. I think I judged too quickly. I did that a lot, judge others before they can judge me. Well I was clearly not properly educated. There’s so much out there now to slow the aging process without having to go under the knife or needle.

I’m hoping to wring out the rest of that stress before the year is over. Hopefully I’ll have my interior project and fence finished by Christmas.  Moving won’t be as stressful with those two items crossed out.

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Found this in my draft box from last year. I got a chemical peel to rejuvenate my face and I really did not see any true positive reaction. Just a lot of peeling. Anyway, posting now because it’s good to remember moments like these. Treat your body with respect. Don’t judge others if you haven’t walked in their shoes with their emotional, physical, and social factors.

I’ve been so boxed up lately. Even if I don’t want to share with others, I need to strive to be more compassionate.

Abbey Road turns 50 today. Wow!  It really is music that’s so good it can rock on in any decade.

Labels: Abbey Road, favorite albums, happy place, music appreciation, The Beatles, We used to be friends.

Be careful what you put out into the universe.

I saw my niece today and it was great until she tried runing after my car shouting, “Wait! Don’t go!”
I was close to balling my eyes out.

I also put a lot of thought into actively pursuing dating. And the universe laughed and the wrong guy texted and I just stared up blankly into the sky. Not him universe. Try again. Better luck next time.

So far I’ve spent most of my weekend working outside & around the house, and then when my body is too weak to do more, watching the first season of Sorry For Your Loss. That show made me cry and cry and then cry some more. I would probably watch it all again if anyone asked. Like right away.

The main character is so selfish, but they all kind of are. It’s a view on grief & depression that’s beautiful and painful and well portrayed.

It helped me explore what I’m going through now. Whether it’s a stress triggered depression or stress triggered anxiety attacks at a particularly lonely time. I’m in the middle of my fall meeting season at work and I throw myself into my work. I know I care too much. I make things harder for myself. I guess I just don’t know how to channel that energy into “throwing myself” into something with passion and still having the energy and capacity to do my work well.

I’m also pretty lonely.  Spontaneously meeting people is a dream at best and online dating is draining and not working. There are so many times I want to give up on it. Except it also feeds my depression. I crave physical touch and I’m the only person here. It makes me so grateful for family. There are some days when having someone hug you or want to hold your hand are the best things that happens to me. My niece will ask me to play with her like she’s asking if I mind cleaning the bathroom and then squeals and lunges for my hand when I say yes.

There are no kids in Sorry For Your Loss. I think it’s why I can relate more to it. And also kids complicate and uncomplicate things. People react so much differently when kids are involved. No kids, just my favorite Olsen and a version of my type. The glasses are definitely a huge turn on and just so much that they put into the character of Matt is just like someone I would like to meet.

So I’m swooning over a character (and actor) despite everything that’s going on in my head. I clearly don’t want to be alone. I have to try again.

Labels: Crying, Sorry For Your Loss

Today was a fairly bad day filled with fairly good people. I don’t want do overs, I want to move on and forget. I want to not take things so personally. Although to be fair that’s not how it started.

It started with things going wrong. With everything trying to take priority while the actual priority fell apart.

And then I had a panic attack. And I couldn’t stop crying. And I was at work.

Spotify ended up providing a good come down playlist, but fuck. I am just drained after that. No emotion or excitement or interest. Just trying to keep it all down.  It terrorizes me being that vulnerable at work. Will they still take me seriously? Can I put this in the past?  Can I move forward without it occurring again?

Okay so the playlist:

The Harrowing Adventures of  - Tokyo Police Club
My Heart is an Apple - Arcade Fire
Skeletons - Acoustic Version by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Shark Smile - Big Thief
Welcome to Your Life - Grouplove
Holland, 1945 - Neutral Milk Hotel
She’s Hearing Voices - Bloc Party
Flux = Rad - Pavement

Labels: playlist

Nerd moment here. I wish Wizards Unite has come out 5 years ago. I’d go back 10 years, but let’s face it, apps weren’t really a thing then.

Like I’m glad the Pokémon nerds got the resurrection they were looking for, but Harry Potter nerds are so much more intense. Or at least they were. I seriously only know 7 people playing Wizards Unite. I feel awkwardly old playing it, but also I love it! I was revisiting the Harry Potter books through my old favorite, books on tape, when the app launched.  I think I was on the 6th book. Revisiting all those cool characters, objects & scenes that didn’t make it into the movies, and then seeing them come alive in the app was such a fun experience!

Tess and I have been visiting our local parks playing & walking & playing ball. It puts me in such a better head space after work & she freaks out when she sees her harness. If we go to the dog park she lets me throw the ball like 3 times before she walks to the exit with it. She freaks out about going there but just doesn’t want to play with other dogs. I don’t like talking to the dog park people so it’s kind of a win-win.

Today my coworker bestie said the most magical thing! “Have you lost weight?” And then if that wasn’t sweet enough, “Your clothes all look like they’re fitting looser.” I don’t think I hugged her, but I should have. Or made her a girl power heavy mix.

Why yes, Tess and I have lost some weight. Well I think she has. I don’t have a scale.

This is 150 times better than getting the stomach bug last year & losing all that weight.

We have also been playing FKA twig’s new song on repeat because at first we saw the video & were confused & then we just listened to the music & it’s so wonderfully layered. Can’t wait for Magdalene!

Labels: books on tape, FKA twigs, Harry Potter, Wizards Unite