Today was a fairly bad day filled with fairly good people. I don’t want do overs, I want to move on and forget. I want to not take things so personally. Although to be fair that’s not how it started.

It started with things going wrong. With everything trying to take priority while the actual priority fell apart.

And then I had a panic attack. And I couldn’t stop crying. And I was at work.

Spotify ended up providing a good come down playlist, but fuck. I am just drained after that. No emotion or excitement or interest. Just trying to keep it all down.  It terrorizes me being that vulnerable at work. Will they still take me seriously? Can I put this in the past?  Can I move forward without it occurring again?

Okay so the playlist:

The Harrowing Adventures of  - Tokyo Police Club
My Heart is an Apple - Arcade Fire
Skeletons - Acoustic Version by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Shark Smile - Big Thief
Welcome to Your Life - Grouplove
Holland, 1945 - Neutral Milk Hotel
She’s Hearing Voices - Bloc Party
Flux = Rad - Pavement

Labels: playlist

Back in college I found a CD of the soundtrack to Clueless in a dollar bin in a thrift store downtown. Had to have it, yessss please, thank you! I am that kind of Cluesless/Emma/Austen fan. Alright by Supergrass and The Muffs’ Kids In America are my usual triggers. “We are young...” & “We’re the kids in America, wa-ohh.” There are just so many moments in life that can be lifted with these good mood gems. I think that’s what called me to it on Friday. So I listened to the whole thing once and then repeated Alright once or twice. The only thing I remember about the middle was thinking, “Now’s not such a great time for the Beastie Boys.”

So then fast forward to this weekend. I spent Friday night painting my house and then reading the third installment in Kevin Kwan’s Crazy Rich Asian series so that I could finish before it was due back to the library. Today, more house work, errands and reading the excellent ending to the book and possibly the series. (Soooo good!!!! What’s next Kevin Kwan‽!!) As I was finishing the book I realized there was a song on in my head. I was trying to place it when I thought of the Clueless soundtrack. I need you around....

I have no idea when in the movie this song played. I’m wondering if it was the wedding scene at the end and that’s why it’s so hazy in my memory. It would be fitting for that section if the book. The song has a little sad/Smiths feel to it, with a very 90’s instrumental sound (drums/guitar), but with the vocal swooning (also very 90’s) that leads you down a dewy maze of a secret garden, walking at night along shops in a small town/movie scene moment feeling. Yes, this girl is crazy. The vocals & instruments don’t seem like they should be paired together, even though they both give that 90’s period feeling. My first instinct is to not like it.  Like it would be so my style if it was separated into two different songs. But it’s also kinda very me as it is. I would love to raise awareness to the song and share the love for it, but clearly I struggle with doing that coherently and concisely.

For now I’ll just add it to my Swoon Worthy Mix.

Labels: CDs, Clueless, Jane Austen, Kevin Kwan, playlist, swoon

I had a bad day at work today, and at the same time a good day.  I really love my office, it's such a great fit for me.  The team I have there is supportive and creative and some of the kindest people I've ever met.  They get me too, which is why today was also a good day.  They stepped in as soon as they saw me go pale and quiet and they didn't complain about their own giant work loads at all.

The bad part of the day was this minor panic attack I had when I realized my low key group would give me the most stress in the spring.  They traditionally do a lot of the planning on their own and I do more administrative tasks for the event.  Except now they've decided to do Disney in March and they already have a contract they wanted me to review and it is less than 90 days away!

breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, stop panicking, breathe.

I knew the most stressful times would be in October (when I had five meetings in a row) and in December when I had to finalize four contracts for the spring, now five.  I finished two, one will most likely push into January, and now two in progress.

I don't ever talk to my friends about this kind of work stuff.  Maybe I need to find a meeting planners group to do a cocktail & complaints hour.  Sip & Paint & Problem Solve?  I can just see myself with the poofy scarf, trying to stay balanced on a stool, sipping back my coke no ice with a straw that won't stay down and discreetly passing around a bag of chewy sprees to get rid of all the greens.

Everything is so diaries entry boring on Libby these days.  I haven't read much lately, haven't come across any real inspiring quotes.  There were a few really good lines in my book on tape, but I listen to it when I drive and can't write it down.  Hoping Practical Magic will inspire me like The Magicians did.

We're supposed to have white noise machines at work but I can hear everything all the time.  I ordered a portable sound machine that can generate fan noises, white noise and ocean sounds.  As soon as it arrives I am taking it to the office.  I wish I had it today.  Trying to squelch a possible migraine with this calming mix I made a few years back.  It's just making me tired though.

Labels: anxiety, meeting planner, meetings, panic attacks, playlist, work