I've been having really bad feelings about Charlotte lately, and every time my mother gives me another awful piece of news I'm relieved that it's not about her. Except now it is. One of Charlotte's vertebrae has softened or something and she's not allowed to go on long walks, jump, or climb the stairs. She's getting the princess treatment plus pain killers but she won't sit still.

I was extremely sick today too, but for other reasons. I ended up walking into my suitcase and scraping up my ankle, and the bruise on my right foot is starting to look like a giant foot tattoo. It's fading a little though, so hopefully I won't be too spotted for long.

This is how I sit around and feel sorry for myself: I buy baked ruffles on sale and sit in front of a screen watching life pass. My parents are coming Thursday to take my car home. I, however, am not going home to see old friends on Thursday or Friday. I am instead mailing my license away and handing my keys over. Did I mention that I just extensively cleaned my car, tackling a year's worth (at least) of trunk grime and decay? Yeah, I did.

I get it all back in January, and not just January, no. The end of January. February. Fuck.
How does one go about seeking an alternative form of identification?

PS - My mom is sooooooo embarrassing. Aren't all mothers though?

Vacation: driving, following, gps, beach, major sunburns, money spent, ghosts toured, shopping, riding, creeping, driving, following, exhaustion.
I went to Savannah with six other girls, I think we can all agree I've earned a vacation from vacationing.

Work all around sucked today. There were 8 full timers missing. Kaitlyn & I closed Hot and Cold Deli by ourselves. There is no pin or metal or reward for that. She is, however, a new french fry whiz kid. After pacing Ice cream for a half hour full of dialogue and plot development I was permitted to go back to Cold Deli and write out the outline/beginning for a solid chapter. No fluff needed. FINALLY! It's not like I ever get around to the fluff anyway.

I'm trying to convince Nakeem to do my bidding at the local garage sales. He is resisting without proper payment, but he doesn't like any of the skills I've offered. What good does it do anybody to have domesticated skills that boys are better at?

Truth be told, I don't want to go to Savannah. I want to go home. Alas, home is the hardest place to go.

I still miss you. One of you appears in my dreams at least twice a week. I have nightmares that you hate me. I have nightmares about being complete strangers. I remember you less and less, like you're disappearing through a time warp, but I miss you more and more.

I told my mom about my memory loss and she didn't seem surprised. It's been less than a year, not eight years. Can you even completely forget about someone in eight years, if they once meant so much?

It's funny that I miss them the most when I'm relapsing, when I'm still uncomfortable being around anyone I love. I was a complete mess on Sunday. I cried twice. My sister was standing by me singing along with everyone else and I knew that in the end we have each other, and she's one of the few people I can't push out of my life. I was so relieved that my pastor was going to do communion for our meeting. Communion is like a new slate to me. I'm forgiven again, and I can start out with a handful more of hope. I was really surprised when my pastor picked me to help serve communion, and so I cried thinking about the sinner serving communion. I'm always humbled to be the servant. The theme of our meeting was contentment.

Summer picked Philipians 4:13 for the weekend, and I'm glad, because it's the verse that I need to hold on to right now.

I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

Sometimes, it doesn't matter if you have friends that are supportive or wonderful or appreciative. It's supportive friends that I run from the most, that I practically ostracize. If you don't want help, if you don't want to get better, if you're tired of fighting, you run. Tight lips, mouth shut, fists clenched.

When things don't matter, it's hard to find the beauty. And danger? Nothing's dangerous if you're not afraid. I found a nice new spot in my building to star gaze, and it could be perceived as dangerous, but it's perfectly safe. There would need to be like 5 things to happen before I seriously injured myself, and if I end up getting a little banged up, that's nothing new. In the past two days I have four new bruises and two new cut/scabs.

And I'm an idiot because I made plans with Megan and maybe Lindsey and some people for Sunday night, and I don't know if I'll get that far. I want to make plans for Monday, and I want to keep my weekend plans, but I'm not holding on to anything anymore, cause I stand here with my arms up. And I want to fall back and I want to fall asleep cause I'm tired of falling down.

All I want is to go back asleep, my nightmares aren't really that bad anymore. And I'd wake up and go to work, cause there are a few things I've got left to handle, but then that's it. That's all I want.

This is not my life
It's just a fond farewell to a friend
It's not what I'm like
It's just a fond farewell to a friend

I want to see my friends when I come home this weekend, but I don't want them to see me like this. Sunday's meeting is going to be so hard to smile through. I mean, I've been doing that for the past 6 years, but the happiness of others always hurts the most when you have none of your own.

I think I'm becoming this super boring person, and I'm losing all my memories and everything seems so distant. I guess time washes away all wounds, but I wish time in this case was forty to fifty years, and not fifteen months.

And they asked me if I'd ever do it again, but it was a slanted question, and I knew they wanted me to say no. And I didn't answer. I know that's awful, that in two weeks I've washed away everything I worked for this summer, but so be it. I don't want to feel like this.

Even if the rest of my family isn't open minded enough, I at least love Erika Wennerstrom's voice. There's something about it, and her lyrics aren't too bad either. They're actually kinda a blessing.

I've been having really strange dreams this summer, but this vacation took the cake, or rather pie. Sometimes I forget how childlike my dreams can be. Saturday night I trapped myself in the bathroom, not because of any awful migraine, but because it was the only place in the hotel I could be alone and think. I had a mini character revelation, and now I understand more of where my character is coming from, I just don't know how to convey that in the present storyline. Everything is so in the moment with this piece, I just have to be patient and store this idea away in the appropriate binder. I did however come up with two strong character names, names which I hold no real person to, and names that may survive all of the rewriting and editing.

I have an extra half day in Johns Creek tomorrow, and I have to do some business stuff with my dad, but I want to see people. I'm on a strict budget lately so I can't really afford to go out for lunch, but if I wake up early enough maybe I can still see some old friends.