Sleepy Fitz is mad at me because we came upstairs to go to bed before 12 and I still haven't fallen asleep. That and my squealing has woken him up. My two new obsessions? Listening to Cults on repeat and reading David Levithan's new novel, The Lover's Dictionary. I was pretty tired and wanted to fall asleep but reading this book was such a better idea. The narrator is unnamed, but an assumed male. Except for the definition of abstain, his lover could be a male or female. And really, abstain could be his lover's joke. I like not knowing, because I can apply the definitions to myself, and that makes it even more personal. I feel like his definitions encompass me, but I fit in casually, swapping between being the narrator and being the lover.


encroach, v.

The first three nights we spent together, I couldn't sleep. I wasn't used to your breathing, your feet on my legs, your weight in the bed. In truth, I still sleep better when I'm alone. But now I allow that sleep isn't always the most important thing.

- D.L.

Labels: a happy sadness, books, Cults, David Levithan, encroach, Fitz, sleep, The Lover's Dictionary

According to the impromptu family meeting in the foyer tonight, shit is about to go down. All I can say is I don't want to get on another plane in the next two months. Not unless I get to go to the Steelers game in Seattle. I've never been to the west coast.

The next two months are probably going to be filled with threats, lies, tears, and heartbreak. Heyyy.

I feel like I've spent the past two months being there for my family, while also trying to avoid letting them consume me, trying to keep my own opinion in these matters. All of these tough times and tough issues have helped shape me. I realize I'm a lot stronger than I used to be, but at what price? Am I really stronger, for holding others up? For bearing their pain? Is this what growing up feels like? Am I even doing a good job of that? Fitz has been a great sense of comic relief and adorableness. I will continue to spoil him if he can make my mom smile.

What I could really use:
A good laugh.
A night out.
Home-made baked goods.
Some good news.
A job.

The mental, physical, and sometimes emotional side effects of my medicine seem to be toning it down. I've already had two migraines this week but otherwise I'm starting to feel like myself again. I spent the past six months or so trying to build myself up and prepare myself for this time of uncertainty in my life, so I was really pissed when a medication didn't just erase that, but the two years of happy healthiness. Okay, I wasn't always happy, but I didn't have to worry about controlling all the near death thoughts because they stopped coming. I am still pissed that a medication destroyed so much of my progress. I'm definitely not back to where I was feeling confident and secure and accepting of my life, but I'm working towards it. I want it so badly.

At the same time, I keep having that gut wrenching feeling in my stomach, like my insides might tear out if they hear certain news. Last night I had two nightmares that confirmed my fears and it made me realize how not ready I am for that to happen. I want all of my insides to stay where they're supposed to be. I don't want to be heartbroken anymore.

I want to give up on my internet addictions but then they just show up in my dreams, which really fucks up my reality. My parents used to have these run of dreams where the other spouse was cheating on them and they woke up so angry at each other. Those kind of dreams hurt so badly but you can't hold them against people without being unreasonable. It gets worse when you don't want to be the unreasonable one but you feel like you need to just talk about the dream, face it, and move on.

According to my dreams, in the past week I've been proposed to, hunted & also forced to watch a psycho with an ax kill all of my close friends, witnessed the creation of the ultimate man-eating beast and survived only because my friend was a ghost, & then I made a mockery of myself amongst my friends because I couldn't hold it in any more. I was filled with false hope and then scared shitless when everyone I cared about was being killed in front of me. You wake up and you want to shake it off, it was just a dream, but that last feeling remains to confuse you.

I'm so confused. I want things more than ever, things I had weaned myself from thinking of, cares I told myself wouldn't concern me any more. No matter how closed off I make my heart it still gets fucked with in my dreams. Like it's one big trick that I don't get to laugh at. It's hard for you to accept things or lose people or move on when your feelings are tricked to flip flop. And it's all in your head, and it makes you feel delusional. Nothing stays buried. Nothing is as easy as it should be.

Labels: and you're spelling out your love, dreams, nightmares, Rupert Grint is apparently my soul mate, you could be above ground, you shouldn't be alone in there

The only poetry I can seem to write scares the shit out of me. Everything just flows into something darker, something that I didn't mean to develop, but it's there sifting inside of me. Dark lines and darker times. The worst was with the first medication. I never thought I would let myself go back to sophomore year, but the feelings came back with every pill I took to ease the physical pain. It's not as bad without the first medication, but it shouldn't still be here. It feels so secretively dangerous. Like it'll strangle me in my sleep. Like I'm tangled in the sheets. I'm not sure it's worth it to be twisted into this much sadness. I wish there was a brain tumor that could explain why my head often feels like the electric chair. Something there to prove I'm not crazy. I would court all of the brain surgeons if someone could remove it for me.

Labels: depression, medication, migraines, poetry, pretty delusional, side effects, writing

Seeing Lindsey last night was really nice but what came afterward really freaked me out. I feel like I need a week full of pick-me-ups to make me feel normal again. I am eternally grateful for my parents and how understanding and unconditional they are with me.

I just finished getting all of my stuff out of Athens so I have more boxes to organize and unpack and things to clean and put away. I've been craving brownies but my sister's kitchen is still new to me and I couldn't find anything to put them in. I wish there was someone I could invite over to help me decorate and eat brownies with me and watch a late night movie and girl talk like this whole summer never happened.

Labels: change, moving, post-college

This is so two years ago.

But then I feel like I'm pushing myself to be accepting of this situation and my own predicament. Maybe I'm rushing a little fast towards trying to be positive. Even if I do freakishly or accidentally die before I'm 30 (God forbid!), my life does totally suck right now. Even as maybe hopefully my soul floats up to heaven, who's to say how these things really work, (God, duh), I can still look back and accept that this part of my life sucks. To prove my point: I don't have any kind of best friend, boyfriend/fiance, friend group to see the last Harry Potter movie with. I think I'm just going to end up going alone to a matinee.

Labels: I already feel like an old pathetic cat lady

I think that my creativity has come to such a big dry spell because there is just too much going on in my life for me to process right now, much to my unhappiness. Looking back, I write best when life is boring. Then I have to get creative to amuse myself.

Right now I have a lot of migraine drama and unemployment lows, but there's also something else going on in my life that I feel like constantly bringing up but try to restrain myself from. It's not my place to tell the whole world my business and everyone else's, but I feel like I'm being dishonest at times by not opening up with a few certain people. I think it's because it is having more of an effect on my life and eventually this will be something I will have to face.

What if I continue worrying about all of these things that could happen in the future and I die before I even turn 30? (My mother would kill me herself if I didn't add a GOD FORBID!) God, I miss Bruce. There is no time to waste not being happy and trying for the best.

My summer can be summarized by job searches and migraines. The migraines became very intense in June and pretty constant, to the point where pain would spike in the exact same location night after night, sometimes multiple times a day. I started taking two new pills with a laundry list of side effects, all my old favorites, and now that I have regulated these pills into my system, the side effects have settled in too. The most prominent are a loss in appetite, things taste different, loss of energy, and of course when you roll all of those up - depression. It makes sense that all of these side effects would stimulate a depression. It's probably a liability issue that they have to list depression as a side effect.

I had a CAT scan taken of my head today so hopefully that will bring answers. The whole procedure went by really fast. It was sort of like a dream with a man with an orange mustache. He explained the procedure to me, offered me his hand to jump up, and padded me with those protective body covers. He said it would take 3 minutes but it felt more 2 minutes. The machine hummed, he reappeared and gave me his hand to jump down and then I was walking out through a long array of hallways. It takes them 5 minutes to email the images to your doctor. The magic of science.

Labels: CAT scans, depression, job search, medication, migraines, science