The mental, physical, and sometimes emotional side effects of my medicine seem to be toning it down. I've already had two migraines this week but otherwise I'm starting to feel like myself again. I spent the past six months or so trying to build myself up and prepare myself for this time of uncertainty in my life, so I was really pissed when a medication didn't just erase that, but the two years of happy healthiness. Okay, I wasn't always happy, but I didn't have to worry about controlling all the near death thoughts because they stopped coming. I am still pissed that a medication destroyed so much of my progress. I'm definitely not back to where I was feeling confident and secure and accepting of my life, but I'm working towards it. I want it so badly.

At the same time, I keep having that gut wrenching feeling in my stomach, like my insides might tear out if they hear certain news. Last night I had two nightmares that confirmed my fears and it made me realize how not ready I am for that to happen. I want all of my insides to stay where they're supposed to be. I don't want to be heartbroken anymore.