I have a soft spot for inappropriate lyrics, preferably when surrounded by a lot of wit. Hence my constant return to blasting Say Anything out of my car speakers.  Perhaps because I grew up with such a prudish sense of self, I felt it was acceptable so long as it was someone else's words.  Whatever the case, I have been crooning along with the start of a southern twang for many, many years.

So the thing about Say Anything is that I kind of love Max Bemis.  There was so much that I could relate to him with growing up that I kind of think I did a lot of my personal writing with him in the background.  The band took a huge hiatus because of his collapsing mental state and when they came back, he owned up to what happened and didn't try to downplay it at all.  I guess I was always encouraged to be myself, but there was that expectation to be normal and fit in.  That created this huge hole in me.  I tried so hard to hide my social awkwardness by not trying at anything else at all.  Then I figured out how to hide it all inside.  But the thing about hiding huge secrets is that there is only so much room for them inside your head.  So I pushed out all the pointless other things and found that once you let me start, I couldn't shut up.

During the past few years I started having problems with word recall.  I know so much about the word, but I cannot tell you what it is.  It's so frustrating.  As an English major it made in class essays a bitch because I would forget names or adjectives and I would just stumble through the rest of the essay praying that describing it would bring the word back to me.

So I've become frustrated and kind of a pain to be around.  Listening to Say Anything is like revisiting a younger version of myself. I kind of just want to immerse myself in it.  In that loud happy state.  The kind that comes when you allow yourself to embrace the sad moments and then scream about it.  Mostly I want to write.

I'm still the optimist though it is hard when all you want to be is in a dream. 

I feel like I've had all these amazing dreams recently and I live more in the dreams then I do in reality.  Pretty much work is awesome and I love being there.  Then I leave to go home and nothing that follows is as fulfilling or wondrous as my dreams. Except Fitz, because you know, he's like the best cat ever born.

Labels: crooning, dreams, English Major, Fitz, inappropriate lyrics, Max Bemis, mental instability, Say Anything, word recall, writing