Today I experienced one of the worst migraines I’ve had in months. Storm pressure. Lack of sleep from said storm system. It hit so fast I didn’t really see it coming. Like flipping a lighter open, pressing down on that wheel and click there’s a flame.

I took my medicine at the onslaught, but it was faster and I was nauseous for two hours. Threw up those pills with no desire to repeat that process.

Worse still The Voyager is stuck in my head. Not what I want there. Not today.

I spent 3 hours in bed and with no medicine my head did not get better. The cats only made it worse. But when I could sleep, my mind reached out for someone I have no right to anymore. It usually brings me a little sadness to wake from dreams of him. It happens often enough, as if the absence of each other has just amped up his dream presence. But today I’m leaning into it.

This person is the only person I’ve come across that I can stomach being around when I have a migraine. The only person who really brought me comfort without aggravating me. I feel awful about it, but I am extremely sensitive during a migraine and even the most caring people can scrape my ears with the persistent noise they unintentionally make. But he took care of me. Even if that was one of the worst things about being with me.

I miss that. All I can hope for is to find someone else that can comfort me on that level. And for cheaper, faster break throughs in medicine. And for my cats to have full tummies when a migraine hits.

Labels: migraine

Welcome to Thirty with Jenny - single, female, childless, hair a brighter shade of red.*

I had a migraine on my birthday for the first time and it was depressing.  It was thankfully not a very painful migraine, but it was consistent, and it consistently resisted my medicine. It's not going to be my last migraine, but hopefully it will be the only one I ever have on a birthday.  I wish I was more superstitious so I could believe it was a cleanse of all the negativity of my twenties. A fresh start for the next decade of my life, a channel for good luck to flow through.

My house hunt has been consuming - time, energy, and plenty of fuel.  I'm pausing for a short bit to get myself through a heavy work load week and a trip to Las Vegas for work.  This trip has been a career goal of mine for so long, but it's coming at such a bad time this year.  I felt like I couldn't pass up this opportunity, so I said yes.  It's definitely helped reinforce the idea that advancing your career isn't the most important or defining priority.

I'm hoping to make connections and attend a few classes that will help me improve my work life. I want to create ways to destress my work load, spend more time doing things that are therapeutic for me, and leave work at the office.  Unless I can get some work from home days.

I don't know what my thirties will hold.  I don't know if Jenny is the best role model for the whole decade, but that's okay.  She's given me a lot of anthems to belt out, hold tight, and dance it out to. To stay in the light,  I just need to look for the positive and let it flow through me.


*Except technically my summer hair is like a goldenized red - darker than strawberry blonde, but not quite orange or blonde.

Labels: I feel it everywhere even in my red hair, migraine

I don't get how I keep it together at work.  I think maybe it's the dead look I get that people confuse for stress and being tired.

The rain gave me a migraine and left me unable to take Tess to the dog park.  I went out for a strangely early dinner today and I felt so distanced from everyone and everything.  I can't make up my mind until I decide to do something and realize it's not what I want at all. I think I've been here too long and it's time to transition in to the next phase.

Speaking of transitions, I just realized that it is almost one of my sibling's birthday.  I read Cosmo's article about the lead singer of Against Me! and her journey as a transgendered person and I still can't believe this is an article that I can find so much familiarity in.  It's all so weird, but none of that is even what's really bothering me.

I feel backed in a corner.  This is how I should react.  This is something I should take on.  Even if it's in the opposite direction of where I'm heading.  It's everywhere - work, friendships, family, my friend's upcoming wedding, when I should move, when I should take Tess home, when a friendship is over.

I wish it would stop raining and the pollen would go away and I could just twirl around and around and around in the sun until I get too dizzy and need to lay down.

Labels: Against Me!, dogs, migraine, raining, Tess, transgender, transitions, We used to be friends.