I am not ready for this week or what it means to me. I'm really glad I'm doing Alternative Spring Break, it's a good thing that I'm proud to be a part of, but I am really afraid of emotionally combusting this week.

I really think I need this week to not talk to him. Talking has been going well. It's a bit confusing trying to stir friend emotions and friend responses because they don't always come naturally anymore. I really needed the month spent not communicating with him. It really helped me out but the longer the silence lasted these knots filled my stomach. All of my friend feelings that transformed or merged into romantic feelings felt iced over when they weren't allowed to be anymore. I had this overwhelming feeling that he hated me. I knew I was being unreasonable but all those left out feelings were on strike.

I have a whole year's perspective on how things began and still, after everything that's happened, I still wish this week was my spring break from last year. All I wanted to do today was drive to his house, knock on his door and enter into the adorable and exciting experience of last year. And that is exactly why I need this week of having no internet access. I don't want to ruin the remains of our friendship. Losing his friendship & feeling shunned was harder than the worst events of my sophomore year.