There is so much on my mind tonight. I wanted to wait until tomorrow, until after my essay/close-reading was finished, but I can not stop this matter of the heart from consuming my thoughts. Instead I am writing a letter to my grandma.

Maybe it's the senioritis catching up on me, maybe it's priorities, maybe I really don't care about this assignment, but I can not find a way to focus on it and just be done with it. My grandma didn't care about school and although she's proud of me, was nothing more than a C student. She was also "difficult" and poor. She threw a typewriter out an open window once. I think she would understand my predicament about school and life quite well.

I want the murmurings of my heart to cease, to let my brain take over, finish this assignment and then just sleep and sleep. I would prefer to sleep for a few days before settling this matter of uncertainty? Fear mixed with excitement mixed with sorrow? If I sound oddly formal, you should read this letter. It's like I'm writing in 1864. And that just shows the cause and effect of spending a whole weekend reading a 400-something mid 19th century novel.