My fitbit goals were off the charts (for me) for most of last year between working at Nordstrom and working in the garden. I started off taking Tess on a lot of walks, but it was hard to drag her out of the yard after the fence was built.

There was this point after I had been in casts for over a month that I was like, "No fuck this, I can still work out my core & my legs and I'm not going to let this stupid cast hold me back!"  I cannot stress how hard it is not to move your arms when you move.* So then my whole body was heated up, and I couldn't really cool down my arm, and it was sweaty and trapped in a cast I was stuck with for another week.   That part was inconvenient, sure, but the smell!  Oh, the smell made my stomach turn.**

So when I get out of this wretched cast I am going to start my home workouts again. I still have both of my braces, so as soon as my doctor gives me the okay to go into the lighter one, I am going to start using the more structured one for my workouts.  I was so much healthier last year.  I even reached my weight goal.  I want to get back there.  It's impossible to weigh yourself with a cast and get an accurate reading, so I have no clear idea how far off I am.  I just want to be a healthier me.  All around.  Healthy, happy, doing what I love.

 *I actually had a nerve block in my arm for this surgery.  One of the worst decisions of my life.  When you start to regain feeling, it's not all at once and not all in the same area.+   It took quite a few hours for all of the feeling to come back to me, I want to say it was double the time that the Anesthesiologist had said.  I am still missing some feeling in my hand, which is hard to tell with the cast on and they do think I will feel more when it's off, BUT there is a little path up my pointer finger that just feels cold and I do not think the cast is causing that.  I think they nicked another nerve.  And I think that I would have realized all of this a lot faster if I had not gone with the nerve block.

+ Funny thing about getting a nerve block for your wrist is that they numb your whole arm from a nerve in your shoulder.  While it is numb, it is completely dead weight, and you have to carry it/support it with your other arm or it will dangle and hit things and that is a really easy way to injure something you just had operated on.  I also realized how heavy an arm is.  It's not as light as I thought it was.

**That's another difference with this surgery.  I have been so nauseous since then.  It was like 2 or 3 weeks after my surgery that I started getting car sickness and would get to work just in time to puke.  Sometimes in the morning I have to delay getting ready because continuous movement can make me nauseous.  Brushing my teeth/mouthwash, nauseous.  And my stomach turns now, over several things, not infrequently.  Feels like it's being wrung out.  And all of this started after I had finished all of the additional medication from the surgery.

Labels: be more positive, healthy decision making, new cast blues, stay in the light, surgery

There's been a lot on my mind lately.  Best way to start the new year is to take my own advice and get a mental health "check-up."  I went to my friend with the sunshine disposition and got the information for her therapist.  The practice offers evening hours that are perfect for going after work, so I don't have to miss work or go on my lunch hour.

I've been processing something these past few weeks that's been weighing on me, other than my grandmother's health struggles.  

After my accident and the first surgery, I felt so numb.  I had just lost my other grandmother.  I waked away from someone I really loved.  I left a job that I had come to hate.  I had money problems.  I was going to be an aunt.  -   I wasn't depressed in a way I could recognize.  All of my reactions were muted and discolored.  Then they all came flooding back and I was absolutely paralyzed in fear.  The anxiety was so bad that I had to leave my new job.  The job was not what I had expected, and there were several signs that I wouldn't want to stay there for too long.  But that wasn't my main reason for quitting.  All the colors and emotions came back to me and I could not hold them, could not hold myself together in front of those people, could not go a day without feeling the anxieties swell in my chest.

This time loop thing, I don't understand it.  Same surgery. I'm going to be an aunt again.  My grandmother is dying of cancer.  I don't have money problems, but most of my savings have been sucked into my surgery.  I just started a new job, and it does feel right for me and it makes me happy.  There is no correlation for the love part. I am just me right now.

My life surrounding these surgeries is so similar and so different.  I have this feeling now that's hard to explain.  It's not necessarily a "I feel so alive" feeling, but maybe a cousin of it.  It's more like, I am doing so much living right now.  I don't know if that makes sense.  That's where the "I am just me right now" comes in.  I would rather be in a relationship, sure, but that's not what I had been focusing on this past year.  I spent it finding my way back to happiness. I was happy with myself, with what I was doing and what I was creating.  Then I came out of the surgery and I was so lonely.

I don't want to be passive anymore.  I don't want to watch love pass me by.  I want love back in my life.

Love is the light I want to be in.  Be more positive.  Be the good.  Be the light for someone else. 

Labels: anxiety, be more positive, be the good, find the good, love, stay in the light, therapy, time loop

2018 is going to be a magical mystery tour year of my life, I can feel it. Not like the movie with the drugs and the weird shenanigans. This year is going to bring a lot of change for me. Loss of one of my favorite loved ones, birth of one of my new favorite loved ones, the final phase of my twenties, a year of firsts for my green initiative, and (God willing) a time for love to come back into my life.

I am writing small pieces for my new site, hoping to launch it later this month. I hate naming my writing. There is so much in a name - so much value, meaning, artistry. With Libby I pair my posts to the music that's playing, the song that replays in my heart and on my speakers. I don't like to do that with my poetry and fiction work though. So I'm going to struggle through it and make each piece, and then share my mood playlists separately.

I would not be surprised if a third of it included songs by The Beatles.

Labels: be more positive, be the good, find the good, new year, The Beatles, writing

This past week sucked.  Work kicked my ass.  I was in and out of "a mood."  Traffic was crazy.

I called my grandmother to talk and get prospective.  We're doing that thing where we ignore she's dying and it's totally normal to have hospice care.  I didn't realize she already needed hospice.  She's shared my post surgery tips with her hospice nurses already.  We're in such different places and yet we understand each other so well. 

She thinks that I seem more balanced, that I didn't need perspective from her, that I've been in such a good place since getting this job.  I'm more motivated.  I mostly believe her.  She doesn't know about Libby, but it is apparent I'm writing more, which is one of the things I factor in.

I told her about trying to find the good in my days.  I really need a big dose of good.  I need something to keep me in a good mood til the new year.  Not that I have anything planned for then.  I just feel like a need a big push of positivity and sunshine to get me there.

I've been writing more outside of Libby too.  Poetry twisted with all my confusing feelings. I'm trying to make something worth sharing, but I don't have any false ideas that it'll do anyone else any good.  My words don't seem to be as helpful for others anymore.  I wish they would.  I wish it was something I could be prouder of.

Labels: be more positive, family, i wish, writing

You may be expecting further reactions to last night's comments, but this isn't a gossip column.

IMPORTANT CELEBRATORY ANNOUNCEMENT: Despite all signs that I shouldn't be weighing myself this week, I continued the never ending science experiment of trying to be healthy.  I set a goal for myself at the beginning of 2016 and today I met it!!! I lost just over 25 lbs, not including all the times I lost weight to put it back on. I'm very happy about this and will have a follow up post later.

Labels: be more positive, take care of yourself