I love this song. I've been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound like a movie. I'm all about making a mix to be the soundtrack to my life, so the desire to film what you can't find makes sense to me. But I've also been in love with love since I was a little girl. If my sister's life goal was to be a grown up, mine was to be in love. I didn't dream about the perfect wedding. I didn't even have an idea for the perfect guy. That wasn't as important as finding a love that would live up to my dreams of love. Growing old together. Traveling. You know, I don't know if I really spent too much time contemplating what we'd do. I just wanted to be happy and loved and I wanted one person to call my own that I could love with all my heart and mushy stuff like that.

Labels: family, in love with love, love, mixtapes

This last week was pretty shitty.  It felt like nothing but work.  I don't want to accept or sign off on another meeting or event with only two months of planning.  That is not a smart idea.  It's so exhausting mentally. 

The whole week wasn't a waste though and I had one really good night come from it.  I stopped by my sister's house on the way back from the library and caught up with my sister and snuggled with my niece.  (Quick aside, I absolutely love that I have to pass my sister's house when I go to the library, because I feel like it helps me stay more connected to her.  Even if I don't always stop by, I do think of her and sometimes call.  Plus you may have figured out by now that I go to the library like at least once a week.)  Well that wasn't very quick.

Anyhow, my brother-in-law was out so it was just us girls, kinda.  I got to see my nephew wiggle and move around in my sister's belly.  We talked about her plans for after he's born and they showed me his room and so of course I opened his closet and pawed through his little outfits. 

My niece had a bath while I was there and we played with her bath toys and worked on saying "splish, splash."  She wanted me to splash my hands in the water with her and I tried but still can't bend my wrist.  She is a little sponge and after watching my hands tried to splash the water awkwardly like me.  God, I love her.  Spending that kind of intimate time with her made me even more ready for physical therapy.  I want so badly to pick her up, twirl her, carry her until my back hurts, be more playful with her, just be a better aunt to her.  Some things just take time. 

I had more to say on recycling and my shampoo and the books I'm reading, but I'm too tired to focus any longer.  I was sad this week was so draining because I listened to Aziz Ansari's Modern Romance audiobook and had some really good take-aways.  Maybe something will trigger all that and I will come back and write about it later.  I am currently a month ahead on my reading challenge, so I actually have a lot to say about certain books.  Alas, sleep.

Labels: books, family, reading, reading challenge, sleepy

I watched this week's This Is Us episode and cried my eyes out as advertised. 

Meanwhile I tried to find pictures from my niece's birthday to share with the family and wow.  My first mistake was letting my dad take the pictures.  Half of them are blurry and my chest is level with my sister's face in the other half.  A woman might have recommended someone putting shoes on or having someone lean over or telling someone to rotate their boobs out of the center of the frame.  I mean, I'm not even the pregnant one! Damnnnnnnnn.

Little bit had a good time.  There were no other kids there, so it was mostly all eyes on her.  Oh sweet, sweet girl, that is the last time for that.  From now on she'll have a little brother tagging along to all her parties, playing with all her toys, stealing half of her auntie's kisses, trying to sneak the last cookie without her noticing.

Life goes by so fast.  The bad parts seem to take forever, and the times to savor seem to go by too fast.  It seems like once you hit a certain age there is a pull to look back at your youth.  Reflect on the good and the bad and what you regret the most.  I'm trying with all my might to just be present.  To enjoy and to love and to spread joy.

Labels: aunt life, be present, family

Coming home tonight, I received true smiles from both dogs.  I was told Tess moped by the front door but did not believe she missed me this much.  Following me from room to room, she casually looks over at me and smiles this open mouth, teethy, child's smile.  Like her eyes are pure love and they just say, I'm sleeping in the big bed tonight!

She's actually kind of nodding off.  I think she's exhausted from waiting up for me all these nights.

Quintus has tracked me down and made sure I rubbed his face ten times in a row. 

I would not be home without my pets.  They make me feel more like myself instantly.  They cheer me up and they love me like I'm worth a damn.

My grandmother passed on Monday afternoon.  She was a month and a day shy of 84.  She came from the kind of scary I could not dream up.  Always in danger of her mother, which usually put her in danger of a man.  She survived. She persisted.  She built a family that would never have to suffer for love or peace or a place to rest their head.

Her love was better than anything that could be taken from that house.  Except maybe her cooking.  Her cooking was love and heaven and strength all in one.

I hopefully won't be traveling anymore for a while.  I will have a chance instead to visit my best friend to belatedly celebrate her son's birthday and belatedly hug her until her boys have to pull me off of her because there's no other reason to separate. And a chance to visit my dear friend and her family and have baby time again.  And a chance to go shopping to find the perfect books a 2 year old needs to build the radest library. However, she did just receive If You Give A Cat A Cupcake and she immediately asked me to read it to her. Like brought it straight to me.  My heart melted when she sat in my lap and laid her head back on my chest and said "hiya!" when we read the karate page.

Family, and the friends that mean as much as family, that is how I plan to soften this loss. 

Labels: family

It has been 3 weeks since I've seen my grandma.  I had plans to go up next weekend, but now I don't know what for.  She's not eating and the doctors won't give her a feeding tube because of her DNR. My dad returned home tonight, but I'm not sure why.  I have to think it's because he doesn't want to see her physically die in front of him.  I'm sure he'll be back up in a day or two.  I think I might be with him.

My therapist didn't have another evening session available for two weeks, and I told her it would be fine because I thought by then I would have seen my grandmother and would still have time.  Now I'm wondering if I'll have to cancel for a funeral.  I feel guilty, confused, wrong.  I wanted to start before things got worse so that I could deal with it in a healthy way.  So that I could still manage the other parts of my life.  So that I could have more clarity in the other parts of my life before this happened.

This is why I threw myself into my work.  To prepare for the moment when emotion overtakes logic and I can't do my work, can't be around people without crying.  I just keep thinking I'm going to disappoint them.  They're good people, but I don't want to burden them with my work, with my groups.

This feels like another one of those posts that I want to delete later.  Replace it with "death was coming and I was sad. and not ready.  and  afraid."

Labels: death, emotions, family

My head is not in the right space this week.  I have two modes - workaholic and confused, hopeless romantic.

I kind of really need to be a workaholic this week though.  There is so much that needs to be done and I don't want to fall behind.  I get to balance that a little with a celebration of new life this weekend, i.e. a chance for me to oogle cute baby clothes and continue my search for boy baby clothes that embrace cats.  Yes, I am that kind of aunt.  Yes, the best kind of aunt.

It's so weird to think in two months I'll have another baby in my life.  I was actually excited for my neice to become a toddler so that she could talk and we could become best friends.  Maybe having a sibling will bond us faster.

I should be able to hold a cute little baby in April.  I mean, they are really tiny in the beginning so it should work out.

Be still my heart.  A new soul is coming.

Labels: aunt life, family, meeting planner, meetings, work

I was prepared to have those serious conversations this weekend, not for a trip to the hospital. There are two hospitals near Hendersonville, but people always say no one comes out of the one alive. So we made sure to go to the other. She's going to hospice tonight, so we can celebrate that. She broke some bones in her lower back, but it wasn't near her aorta, so she can decline surgery.

I just finished the book Stay With Me by Ayobami Adebayo in the Emergency Room. It is such a fitting book for this weekend. No tears, no pleas shouted to God.  Just acceptance, compassion, and love.

But what should we do? Where do we go?

And yet, I still feel so selfish. I still want more.

Rotimi.

Labels: all the feelings, book recommendations, family

This past week sucked.  Work kicked my ass.  I was in and out of "a mood."  Traffic was crazy.

I called my grandmother to talk and get prospective.  We're doing that thing where we ignore she's dying and it's totally normal to have hospice care.  I didn't realize she already needed hospice.  She's shared my post surgery tips with her hospice nurses already.  We're in such different places and yet we understand each other so well. 

She thinks that I seem more balanced, that I didn't need perspective from her, that I've been in such a good place since getting this job.  I'm more motivated.  I mostly believe her.  She doesn't know about Libby, but it is apparent I'm writing more, which is one of the things I factor in.

I told her about trying to find the good in my days.  I really need a big dose of good.  I need something to keep me in a good mood til the new year.  Not that I have anything planned for then.  I just feel like a need a big push of positivity and sunshine to get me there.

I've been writing more outside of Libby too.  Poetry twisted with all my confusing feelings. I'm trying to make something worth sharing, but I don't have any false ideas that it'll do anyone else any good.  My words don't seem to be as helpful for others anymore.  I wish they would.  I wish it was something I could be prouder of.

Labels: be more positive, family, i wish, writing

I tried to shut my head down, but there's too much on my mind. I want to spend more time with my grandma, to soak up as much of her as I can.  It's too late for chemo.  Stage 4.  Cancer everywhere.  It's not a genetic kind, so that's the one positive that she's grateful for.  They are giving her the really powerful pain medication instead.  The stuff that takes away your appetite and makes you really tired all of the time.

So I want to visit her as much as I can, but I know her health is going to deteriorate quickly and she might not be awake much or lucid much in the later months.  I want to be there for my PapPap too, so I don't mind showing up to clean and cook or popping in with groceries and new pictures of the family.

For my grandmother, I am going to go back to writing her letters.  She's never owned a computer, doesn't keep up with anyone online, and she doesn't keep mementos or clutter, but she's kept all of her letters.  So I am going to tell her all about the good that is going to come and all that keeps my wheels turning at night.

I am going to write about my recovery process, my dream garden, my trip to St. Augustine, the perfect woods to camp in, the names of my future cats, my niece and new nephew, the new environmental awareness & recycling program at work that I get to grow, the funny shapes of my scars, my successes and failures with her recipes, the good I get to do with my job, the seed garden at the library, my problems growing soy beans, beehives and composting, my writing dreams, discovering Cuban food, and the plot lines to all of the crazy books I read.

Labels: be the good, cancer, family, stay in the light

I thought next year would be this year of better things.  No resolutions, fuck resolutions, but better energy, more hope, more kindness, more good.  I'm not a child anymore though, so I don't know why my dreams are made with the unstructured, come what may mentality of youth.  Next year is a year that will test my strength, my goodness, and my heart.

I'm in this time loop from two years ago.  New job, new baby, new surgery, new loss.  I was in such a broken place when I went through this the first time.  I have to pray that the good that's come will keep me in the light.

Four to six months is all we have left.  I have to plan and structure the next six months of my life to love and cherish and adore this woman who I owe so much to. I have to prepare for all of it - the good, the bad, the ugly, the loss.

My sister is due with her second child at the beginning of that time frame.  One goes out. One comes in.  I know better than to doubt God's plan, it's not for me to know.  I'm grateful for the gifts He gives to help us through.  A new soul to love and hold and shape.

The thing is, I have to be strong.  The woman who holds me up is weakened and I will not be the one that makes her sad or drains her strength.  I have to be strong enough to weaken her fears.  I'm not going to go so far as force love into my life and lead her to believe I've found the person to take her place.  She could very well haunt me if I lied to her sweet face.

I think one way to start this process is to identify who will hold my hand.  My good hand, mind you.  If I'm going to be strong at the end of this I need to stay in the light.

Labels: be the good, cancer, family, find the good, stay in the light, time loop

I feel like I'm stuck in a time loop.  It's a strange déjà vu - in the hospital, breathing masks, intubation, all the family is coming; except this time it's happening here - in my state, in my town, with I guess what are also my potential country doctors.

The more it repeats the more I try to remember what I wanted to change about the first case.  What can I do?  What decisions can we make?

And damn, wouldn't you know it, I want to call my ex.  I have no idea why because I have no idea what I would say to him.  I just miss him. Then I think, this is why people fuck their exes, because they don't have to talk. I hate myself for thinking all these things.  

I think there is some point when the pain drills so far down inside of you that you try to tunnel back to the top and you're almost there, but it's such a long journey and it's so hard on you and you're not sure if you will make it back into the sunlight and you just want someone else to offer their hand to help.

I acknowledge that I am a hormonal mess.  My doctor did say that until we find the right level of medicine to balance my thyroid levels I will be more hormonal and tired.  Now the thought of losing another person I love is too scary to deal with. My face is a sticky mess of tear stains and make-up smudges.

Labels: diary entries, family, hospitals, thyroid

Fell asleep at my parents house last night. I need to go home, take a shower, and prepare myself for this weekend. I need to peer pressure my sister into agreeing to carpool and spend Christmas eve sleeping in our own beds. My Aunt and her fiance (?) are flying up now that he's not feeling sick anymore, but that means they'll stay in my room. I know my mom is going to ask us to spend the night and share the bed in the basement. Last time we did that I didn't sleep much and our third bunk-mate kept changing from her dog to my cat.

I'm really unsure about this weekend. It's just so clear that my childhood is over, especially around the holidays, and times like these are when you should feel more of that childhood familiarity. I really want everyone to have a good time and enjoy the holiday but I don't want things to feel so forced and strange like Thanksgiving. Family shouldn't be strangers to each other.

Being able to sleep at normal times would be nice too.

Labels: Christmas, family, holidays

My life is still nothing like I expected it would be by now. I've been spending a lot of time with the serenity prayer lately. I got a gruesome migraine from all the neighborhood dogs having a barkfest and a lack of sleep, but I stayed up three extra hours after my sister came home to hear her out and be there for her. It's a very emotionally challenging time for her too and she's having her share of difficulties. She said she couldn't stop herself from crying a little at work today, but she said the little boy she was working with has Autism and was too happily consumed in his toys to notice. We both need a mental vacation. I've been searching for a mental out, somewhere to send all of my thoughts so I can just breathe.

Labels: family, migraines, Milton