I tried to shut my head down, but there's too much on my mind. I want to spend more time with my grandma, to soak up as much of her as I can.  It's too late for chemo.  Stage 4.  Cancer everywhere.  It's not a genetic kind, so that's the one positive that she's grateful for.  They are giving her the really powerful pain medication instead.  The stuff that takes away your appetite and makes you really tired all of the time.

So I want to visit her as much as I can, but I know her health is going to deteriorate quickly and she might not be awake much or lucid much in the later months.  I want to be there for my PapPap too, so I don't mind showing up to clean and cook or popping in with groceries and new pictures of the family.

For my grandmother, I am going to go back to writing her letters.  She's never owned a computer, doesn't keep up with anyone online, and she doesn't keep mementos or clutter, but she's kept all of her letters.  So I am going to tell her all about the good that is going to come and all that keeps my wheels turning at night.

I am going to write about my recovery process, my dream garden, my trip to St. Augustine, the perfect woods to camp in, the names of my future cats, my niece and new nephew, the new environmental awareness & recycling program at work that I get to grow, the funny shapes of my scars, my successes and failures with her recipes, the good I get to do with my job, the seed garden at the library, my problems growing soy beans, beehives and composting, my writing dreams, discovering Cuban food, and the plot lines to all of the crazy books I read.

Labels: be the good, cancer, family, stay in the light