I've been so tired and have so much to do that I forgot to come back here and decompress. 

I have Colorectal Cancer, Stage 3, which means it has spread to a few surrounding lymph nodes.

Radiation will fry my ovaries so the past 2+ weeks I've been doing IVF treatments to freeze some of my eggs before the rest are decimated. 

They found 23 follicles at the start of this cycle, and so far 12 have matured enough to be collected as eggs. We're waiting to do the egg retrieval on Monday, and I have another ultrasound scheduled tomorrow to see how many more have matured. Due to my age, not all of the eggs retrieved will be viable, but hopefully at least 60% will be. 

The eggs have to be frozen for a minimum of two years, and then I can use them.  My doctors have all been so great and have sent me different links for financial assistance programs, but I'm still spending so much money to do this. So I'm not wasting this.  If I don't get the romantic partner I've been waiting for by then, that will just have to be fine and okay.  Because I'm not going to let this experience escape me.  

Meanwhile I've been waiting over two weeks for the results to my genetic testing. If I have any of the genetic mutations linked to colon cancer then my doctors will be adjusting my treatment plan based on previous studies of those mutations. 

The cats have been all over me, but Gemma is confused.  Animals can smell cancer, one new friend's horse started sniffing his butt before they found his tumor and then she started sniffing it again right before the found out the tumor was back.  Quintus has me on constant purr therapy, and Winston won't let me go to the bathroom alone.  Fitz has been purring more than normal, but he's mostly been my rock, wanting to be with me all the time, and sleeping in his crate when I'm not around.

Labels: cancer, cats, Fertility Treatment, purr therapy

I tried to shut my head down, but there's too much on my mind. I want to spend more time with my grandma, to soak up as much of her as I can.  It's too late for chemo.  Stage 4.  Cancer everywhere.  It's not a genetic kind, so that's the one positive that she's grateful for.  They are giving her the really powerful pain medication instead.  The stuff that takes away your appetite and makes you really tired all of the time.

So I want to visit her as much as I can, but I know her health is going to deteriorate quickly and she might not be awake much or lucid much in the later months.  I want to be there for my PapPap too, so I don't mind showing up to clean and cook or popping in with groceries and new pictures of the family.

For my grandmother, I am going to go back to writing her letters.  She's never owned a computer, doesn't keep up with anyone online, and she doesn't keep mementos or clutter, but she's kept all of her letters.  So I am going to tell her all about the good that is going to come and all that keeps my wheels turning at night.

I am going to write about my recovery process, my dream garden, my trip to St. Augustine, the perfect woods to camp in, the names of my future cats, my niece and new nephew, the new environmental awareness & recycling program at work that I get to grow, the funny shapes of my scars, my successes and failures with her recipes, the good I get to do with my job, the seed garden at the library, my problems growing soy beans, beehives and composting, my writing dreams, discovering Cuban food, and the plot lines to all of the crazy books I read.

Labels: be the good, cancer, family, stay in the light

I thought next year would be this year of better things.  No resolutions, fuck resolutions, but better energy, more hope, more kindness, more good.  I'm not a child anymore though, so I don't know why my dreams are made with the unstructured, come what may mentality of youth.  Next year is a year that will test my strength, my goodness, and my heart.

I'm in this time loop from two years ago.  New job, new baby, new surgery, new loss.  I was in such a broken place when I went through this the first time.  I have to pray that the good that's come will keep me in the light.

Four to six months is all we have left.  I have to plan and structure the next six months of my life to love and cherish and adore this woman who I owe so much to. I have to prepare for all of it - the good, the bad, the ugly, the loss.

My sister is due with her second child at the beginning of that time frame.  One goes out. One comes in.  I know better than to doubt God's plan, it's not for me to know.  I'm grateful for the gifts He gives to help us through.  A new soul to love and hold and shape.

The thing is, I have to be strong.  The woman who holds me up is weakened and I will not be the one that makes her sad or drains her strength.  I have to be strong enough to weaken her fears.  I'm not going to go so far as force love into my life and lead her to believe I've found the person to take her place.  She could very well haunt me if I lied to her sweet face.

I think one way to start this process is to identify who will hold my hand.  My good hand, mind you.  If I'm going to be strong at the end of this I need to stay in the light.

Labels: be the good, cancer, family, find the good, stay in the light, time loop