There's been a lot on my mind lately.  Best way to start the new year is to take my own advice and get a mental health "check-up."  I went to my friend with the sunshine disposition and got the information for her therapist.  The practice offers evening hours that are perfect for going after work, so I don't have to miss work or go on my lunch hour.

I've been processing something these past few weeks that's been weighing on me, other than my grandmother's health struggles.  

After my accident and the first surgery, I felt so numb.  I had just lost my other grandmother.  I waked away from someone I really loved.  I left a job that I had come to hate.  I had money problems.  I was going to be an aunt.  -   I wasn't depressed in a way I could recognize.  All of my reactions were muted and discolored.  Then they all came flooding back and I was absolutely paralyzed in fear.  The anxiety was so bad that I had to leave my new job.  The job was not what I had expected, and there were several signs that I wouldn't want to stay there for too long.  But that wasn't my main reason for quitting.  All the colors and emotions came back to me and I could not hold them, could not hold myself together in front of those people, could not go a day without feeling the anxieties swell in my chest.

This time loop thing, I don't understand it.  Same surgery. I'm going to be an aunt again.  My grandmother is dying of cancer.  I don't have money problems, but most of my savings have been sucked into my surgery.  I just started a new job, and it does feel right for me and it makes me happy.  There is no correlation for the love part. I am just me right now.

My life surrounding these surgeries is so similar and so different.  I have this feeling now that's hard to explain.  It's not necessarily a "I feel so alive" feeling, but maybe a cousin of it.  It's more like, I am doing so much living right now.  I don't know if that makes sense.  That's where the "I am just me right now" comes in.  I would rather be in a relationship, sure, but that's not what I had been focusing on this past year.  I spent it finding my way back to happiness. I was happy with myself, with what I was doing and what I was creating.  Then I came out of the surgery and I was so lonely.

I don't want to be passive anymore.  I don't want to watch love pass me by.  I want love back in my life.

Love is the light I want to be in.  Be more positive.  Be the good.  Be the light for someone else. 

Labels: anxiety, be more positive, be the good, find the good, love, stay in the light, therapy, time loop

I thought next year would be this year of better things.  No resolutions, fuck resolutions, but better energy, more hope, more kindness, more good.  I'm not a child anymore though, so I don't know why my dreams are made with the unstructured, come what may mentality of youth.  Next year is a year that will test my strength, my goodness, and my heart.

I'm in this time loop from two years ago.  New job, new baby, new surgery, new loss.  I was in such a broken place when I went through this the first time.  I have to pray that the good that's come will keep me in the light.

Four to six months is all we have left.  I have to plan and structure the next six months of my life to love and cherish and adore this woman who I owe so much to. I have to prepare for all of it - the good, the bad, the ugly, the loss.

My sister is due with her second child at the beginning of that time frame.  One goes out. One comes in.  I know better than to doubt God's plan, it's not for me to know.  I'm grateful for the gifts He gives to help us through.  A new soul to love and hold and shape.

The thing is, I have to be strong.  The woman who holds me up is weakened and I will not be the one that makes her sad or drains her strength.  I have to be strong enough to weaken her fears.  I'm not going to go so far as force love into my life and lead her to believe I've found the person to take her place.  She could very well haunt me if I lied to her sweet face.

I think one way to start this process is to identify who will hold my hand.  My good hand, mind you.  If I'm going to be strong at the end of this I need to stay in the light.

Labels: be the good, cancer, family, find the good, stay in the light, time loop