I feel like I'm stuck in a time loop.  It's a strange déjà vu - in the hospital, breathing masks, intubation, all the family is coming; except this time it's happening here - in my state, in my town, with I guess what are also my potential country doctors.

The more it repeats the more I try to remember what I wanted to change about the first case.  What can I do?  What decisions can we make?

And damn, wouldn't you know it, I want to call my ex.  I have no idea why because I have no idea what I would say to him.  I just miss him. Then I think, this is why people fuck their exes, because they don't have to talk. I hate myself for thinking all these things.  

I think there is some point when the pain drills so far down inside of you that you try to tunnel back to the top and you're almost there, but it's such a long journey and it's so hard on you and you're not sure if you will make it back into the sunlight and you just want someone else to offer their hand to help.

I acknowledge that I am a hormonal mess.  My doctor did say that until we find the right level of medicine to balance my thyroid levels I will be more hormonal and tired.  Now the thought of losing another person I love is too scary to deal with. My face is a sticky mess of tear stains and make-up smudges.

Labels: diary entries, family, hospitals, thyroid