I feel like I'm stuck in a time loop.  It's a strange déjà vu - in the hospital, breathing masks, intubation, all the family is coming; except this time it's happening here - in my state, in my town, with I guess what are also my potential country doctors.

The more it repeats the more I try to remember what I wanted to change about the first case.  What can I do?  What decisions can we make?

And damn, wouldn't you know it, I want to call my ex.  I have no idea why because I have no idea what I would say to him.  I just miss him. Then I think, this is why people fuck their exes, because they don't have to talk. I hate myself for thinking all these things.  

I think there is some point when the pain drills so far down inside of you that you try to tunnel back to the top and you're almost there, but it's such a long journey and it's so hard on you and you're not sure if you will make it back into the sunlight and you just want someone else to offer their hand to help.

I acknowledge that I am a hormonal mess.  My doctor did say that until we find the right level of medicine to balance my thyroid levels I will be more hormonal and tired.  Now the thought of losing another person I love is too scary to deal with. My face is a sticky mess of tear stains and make-up smudges.

Labels: diary entries, family, hospitals, thyroid

I've noticed a change in my weight and an increased sense of fatigue over the past few months that I have been struggling to resolve.  After a few months I realized my thyroid could be to blame and I simply needed to change the dosage of my thyroid medication.  Well an ultrasound, some blood work, and a lot of waiting later I found myself seeing an Endocrinologist this morning.

Here is what I learned.  Although I've suffered from hypothyroidism since the third grade, some where along the way I developed another disease, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.  Yes, it is named after a cool Japanese scientist.  Basically, there is a hormone in your brain that is supposed to coexist with your hormones from your thyroid, but the hormones from my brain are attacking my thyroid.  The normal level for these hormones are 35 or less.  I have 544.  Cool.

The disease has a lot of side effects and I have a history with seven of the sixteen symptoms.  One of the few I don't have is hair loss.  However, now my dad is convinced he has this too.  Doubtful, because it is 5 times more likely to occur in women.

The super cool thing though?  These awesome ladies also have it:

• Kim Cattrall
• Jillian Michaels
• Oprah Winfrey

There's nothing I can really do about all of this but stay positive.  It's not life threatening and I've already been living with the worst of these side effects.  The only scary one left on the list is infertility, but my family has absolutely no history of this so I'll just continue to pray that when the time comes I won't have to worry about this.

The more you know.

Labels: Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, hypothyroidism, thyroid