It has been 3 weeks since I've seen my grandma.  I had plans to go up next weekend, but now I don't know what for.  She's not eating and the doctors won't give her a feeding tube because of her DNR. My dad returned home tonight, but I'm not sure why.  I have to think it's because he doesn't want to see her physically die in front of him.  I'm sure he'll be back up in a day or two.  I think I might be with him.

My therapist didn't have another evening session available for two weeks, and I told her it would be fine because I thought by then I would have seen my grandmother and would still have time.  Now I'm wondering if I'll have to cancel for a funeral.  I feel guilty, confused, wrong.  I wanted to start before things got worse so that I could deal with it in a healthy way.  So that I could still manage the other parts of my life.  So that I could have more clarity in the other parts of my life before this happened.

This is why I threw myself into my work.  To prepare for the moment when emotion overtakes logic and I can't do my work, can't be around people without crying.  I just keep thinking I'm going to disappoint them.  They're good people, but I don't want to burden them with my work, with my groups.

This feels like another one of those posts that I want to delete later.  Replace it with "death was coming and I was sad. and not ready.  and  afraid."

Labels: death, emotions, family