Today I fought to stay in the light and it continued to shine even after the sun went down.  I faced several anxieties - driving in Atlanta with one bad hand, going out by myself with no set plans to meet others, the possibility of running into my ex, talking to strangers (/befriending a stranger), driving at night with one bad hand, going into unruly crowds with my injured wrist - and I came out smiling.

I saw the band Bully tonight and they played an unbelievably awesome show.  I found their music  really helpful this past year, first with angst and then with trying to steady myself. I mean yeah, you can feel the anger start to build and intensify, but then you can just shake it off and fall into the steady drum beat and killer vocals.  I really don't know how she is able to tour and not lose her voice.  Maybe she does.  I am so thankful for that. 

I am also thankful for my health, the good and the bad, this strange mix I have.  My anxiety was so crippling last year.  It was very clearly present tonight, but I didn't have an anxiety attack, I didn't back down, and I continued to challenge myself with the good kind of scary.

I'm not perfect though.  Tonight I recognized how much I need to improve my communication.  I knew good and well there was a high chance that I could see my ex tonight and I did not tell a single person.  Yes, that's not really other people's business, but if I want an effective support team I have to use it. I didn't want to be talked out of going and I think now that is not what a good support team would try to do after all.  A good support team should push you to face your fears, to eliminate them, but with aid. I think.

Labels: anxiety, Bully, find the good, live shows, stay in the light, thankful