This is actually my favorite Death Cab song, it reminds me of riding the bus home alone, listening to it on my cd player sophomore year of high school. The song actually makes me think of the brown leather seats on the bus, complete with the smell and texture of it.

This past week has been extremely hard on me. I have so many anxieties about graduating in May and it is eating me up. I don't want May to come but I want a break from school but I don't want to move away. To top that off I have come to realize that I am constantly looking for him in crowds, at parties, on the road. It's gotten ridiculous. It feels like I'm just waiting for him. Crowds bring me so much anxiety now, I hate going out. I have no desire to do anything but come home after class.

I can't do this alone anymore. My depression has come back in almost all the same ways. I'm not "near-suicidal" but I'm not living my life anymore. I'm a ghost of a girl. Admitting my relapse wasn't as hard as the search for a new therapist will be, but I have a few really close friends and my family to support me while I'm searching. I didn't lose myself during my relationship. I lost myself in this break-up. I had a lot of help and support before but ultimately I chose to rebuild myself and that's what I have to do again.


I'm going to take up journal writing during therapy to make things more accessible and to keep my darkness off Libby. It's hard for me to stay quiet online but I have to tear down a few traits to rebuild myself. Kaitlyn told me it's my blog, I should say whatever I want to say. That's true, but I don't have any interests left to share and I don't feel like making mixtapes. I don't really feel like listening to music at all. I've basically reverted back to childhood cartoons and a steady stream of mindless consumption TV to stabilize what's left of me.

I won't be gone for good or for long. I may even be chatting about the women's rights movement soon if my Southern lit class indulges me. And if you see me crying in public, please don't bring attention to it, I'm working on that too.

Labels: We used to be friends.