Sometimes people surprise you. Sometimes you surprise yourself.

I scrubbed and swiffered the bathroom clean. I vacuumed my room, hallway, and living room. I swiffered the kitchen. I fixed the couch. I put things on the wall. I finally found enough time for myself to watch Daria. I have the tingling sensation in my chest perfect for putting pen to paper. I might even finish reading The Nibelungenlied and finish the parts of The Aeneid I have left.

But I'm home all alone, and it's part choice and part effect of choice. Choice, my friend and foe, has me surrounded on all sides this month. I am genuinely happy most days, and content the rest. But I've been having slips in mood a lot lately. At work I manage to shake off all feelings of happiness until the contentment is gripping onto my wrists, afraid to fall off. Stephanie keeps catching me drifting off into my zombie states and I can't describe how it feels to be numb.

Parts of me keep trying to contract away from being happy. My total lack of responsibility hits overdrive whenever I start to feel comfortable. They ask if I mind being single. It's not that big of a deal. It's not that hard, to live in fear. How much do your fears drive you and how much do you drive yourself to ignore fear?

I think I'm always consumed by fear around my birthday. It's one day, and it comes and then it goes, just like all the rest. I just don't want to face them yet. I don't want to become the worst friend all over again, but I want to pull the covers over my head and listen to this playlist over and over again.

Labels: Birthdays, numb